Our dog came from the factory pre-programmed with a couple of suh-weet features.
The first feature is something we like to call the “scare the crap out of the family” feature. This feature is usually only activated when Hubby is out of town on business. It works a little something like this: it’s nighttime and I’m in the computer room when I hear the dog barking in a weird way upstairs. Thinking the kids are teasing him, I call up to them and ask them to stop. (Ok, it might be a little more yell-y than I’m implying here. Sue me.)
At which point both kids – all big eyed – come in from the family room which is right beside the computer room. The dog is by himself upstairs in master bathroom barking his fool head off.
This can only mean one thing…that all the bad guys and burglars who Sonny suspects mill around our yard waiting for nightfall have somehow gained access to the house. They are now, naturally, all in the master bathroom, crammed into the shower clown-car style, waiting, waiting to POP! out at me when I get all nakey.
But we’re on to them! No nakey this time because our fierce and loyal dog has tipped us off to the danger that lurks above. Thank heaven for the dog! WHAT A GOOD BOY!!!
So the kids and I, armed with Hubby’s antique baseball bat collectible, head upstairs. There we find the dog standing in the middle of the bathroom, growling at a black shirt and pair of shorts Hubby left draped over the far side of the bathtub. Oy vey.
As for the second feature, we call it the “scare the crap out of himself” feature and it only activates when the dog is on a walk. He freaks out every time we come to a storm drain. And unless we’re quick enough and pick him up once the freak out starts, he’ll slip his collar and be halfway down the block, headed the other way before we even realize what’s going on. And if he happens to be wearing an un-slippable harness because we’ve finally gotten hip to his jive? Then he’ll lay flat on his belly while we drag him along, just like Duke the dead dog from In Living Color. (Kidding, kidding, we don’t pull him around and road rash his belly. That gets us dirty looks from passersby. Instead we just whisper furiously into his ear about what a wingnut he is while attempting to pick up his floppy, dead weight. And the Oscar goes to….TEDDY! For his heart-warming portrayal of a road-kill victim.)
But this second feature? We’ve come to realize that this second feature is actually a safety feature. Because as everyone who has ever read a Stephen King novel knows, the storm sewer is where that clown-that-kills-townspeople lives. So the dog is really just saving us from the clown, from looking into the clown’s deadlights, every time we walk past.
Thank heaven for the dog! WHAT A GOOD BOY!!!