Hey! Speaking of zombies….you know who has a love/hate relationship with them?!? My son. He hates them. Hates everything about them. But is also secretly titillated by them. And for their part, they love to POP! into his head at the most inopportune times. POP!
The other day he was relating to me a dream he had. In the dream we were at the airport. Trying to create a trap for the zombies. Side note: I don’t think the zombies are going to fly into Denver to take over. This approach would draw too much negative attention. Instead, I think they’d probably just shamble over the mountains from California, because – as we all know – California is the epicenter of zombies. But I didn’t mention this to Sonny because it was his dream. Oh! And also? Zombies don’t exist.
We had to blow them all up at the airport before they made their way out of the terminal. So we were creating a trap for the blowing up portion of the dream. Sissy is cheerfully shouting off-screen, “Hang on! It’s gonna work! Just hang on!!” while first one zombie, then another, got ahold of Sonny’s feet and were gnawing big, bloody holes in them. Nummy, num, num. So now Sonny is screaming that he REALLY NEEDS HELP, which prompts Sissy to haul him up to the top of a super-tall car that I’m driving. Phew! Glad I brought my super-tall car to the airport to pick everyone up! Eventually we’re successful blah, blah, blah. It just descends into impressions of good vs. bad as dreams do.
The point here is that this kid is really scared about zombies. He’s even turning run-of-the-mill growing pains into bloody zombie bites in his dreams. It’s at this point we always cheerfully remind him that zombies are nothing to worry about. The trick is to run faster than the person you’re with when the zombies come. Because they always CATCH! the slowest person*. Ha ha ha. Aren’t we funny parents?! Then we advise him not to look behind him but to come closer to us. Whereupon we pull him into a hug while pretending we’re fending off zombies from behind him. Ha ha ha. Still funny!
So. Where’s all this leading? We left him home by himself post-zombie-dream while Hubby and I went to Sissy’s back-to-back basketball games. Sonny insisted he was old enough to do this and that he wouldn’t cook anything and wouldn’t play with fire (his eyes lit up at the mention of playing with fire, like he didn’t know that was an option but was glad we brought it up).
But almost as soon as we get to the first game, Sonny starts calling Hubby’s phone because he heard something in the garage. “Really, Sonny. I’m sure there’s nothing in the garage. The dog will scratch on the door if there are zombies in the garage. What’s the dog doing now? Really?!? Scratching on the door?? That’s weird. But why would the zombies come NOW? Do you think they were watching the house? And waiting until we left you…ALONE?!?”
By now the kid is sh**ing his pants and we’re clearly the funniest parents in the world, so Hubby assures Sonny that no, no, there aren’t any zombies. And they aren’t in our garage. The dog probably just smells a chicken carcass we threw out the other day and that’s why he’s scratching at the door. But to be on the safe side, lock all the doors and close the blinds. And? STILL funny.
Shortly after, I follow up with a text to make sure Sonny is ok, “R U ok?? R the garage zombies in the house yet?? Ha ha.”
See? Funny, right?!? What’s not to love…hate…love about zombies?!? They’re sooooo funny. UntiltheyCATCHya! Run! RUN!!!
*This methodology of “running faster than the person you’re with” also holds true when faced with a rabid groundhog. Right Li’l Sis? Part B of these instructions might read: Avoid throwing dirt clods at insentient creatures. They are already really, really angry and dirt thrown at high-velocities towards them just brings the anger out. Run!! RUN!!!