Hey!  You wanna know what the WORST Mother’s Day Celebration idea is that I’ve come across?!  Ever in the history of man-and-woman-kind??

The mothers vs. sons football game and cook-out we have planned with my son’s football team for this week-end.

See?  You agree, don’t you?!  Worst.  Idea.  Ever.

Not only do I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about football.  But it’s the LAST thing I want to be doing for Mother’s Day.  Rip my fingernails off?  Sure – count me in!  Poke my eyes out with sharp sticks?  Absolutely – wouldn’t miss it!

Football with monkeys?  As a special treat for ME?!?  To celebrate MY day???  And as added incentive I get to cook hotdogs outside for the monkeys afterwards AND bring TWO DOZEN CUPCAKES??  GAAAAAHHHH!!!!   Suckiest suckiness from sucktown ever to suck….SUCKITY, SUCK, SUCKS!!!

But on the bright side, it will be FLAG football.  Not full-on tackle or anything totally stupid like that.  But do they even make flag belts big enough for moms’ waists?  On a 9-year-old boy, the flag belts look like hula skirts with mange.  On me?  It’s gonna look like a demented loin cloth that doesn’t cover any loin.  At all.

And if we’re skipping the flag belts altogether and going straight to “touch” football??  I’m afraid.  Very afraid.  I’ve seen my son’s “touch” football and it strongly resembles everyone else’s “tackle” football.  AND he’s gonna be gunnin’ for me.

So a bit of motherly advice here: run fast, don’t look back, keep going even if you feel his fetid breath on your neck.  I’ll be at the corner bar when it’s all over – God willing.  Happy Mother’s Day to me!

AND…HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL; AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!