Home Mom

What follows is a deconstruction of a conversation I had with my 10-year-old daughter this a.m.  Please note that my responses were all in my head:

HER: Hey Mom, now that you’re a home mom…

[ME: Home Mom?  Is that like a Home Boy??  What’up, what’up?!?]

HER:  you could stay in your pajamas all day

[ME: I could but then what would carpool lady think of my lazy a$$ and how would I run all of my expensive errands?!]

HER: and watch t.v.

[ME: This WHOLE time while I’ve been trying to figure out what to do, watching t.v. never occurred to me.  Maybe because I worry that once I start, I won’t stop and I’ll discover a show that becomes “mine” (or more likely shows plural).  As in “Yeah, I watch those.  Those are my shows!  I love them!!”  Also, watching t.v. midday reminds me too much of what Mrs. J (our next-door neighbor when we were growing up) used to do.  My mom had 5 kids, Mrs. J. had 2.  My mom never watched t.v. – unless it was the Electric Company but I suspect that was more for my benefit than hers – but Mrs. J. watched what I mistakenly thought were called Soap Boppers.  They were kindof dark and filled with minimal scenery.  Everyone seemed to be in black and white and talking in a square, bare room.  Maybe everyone was just wearing black and white?  But I remember a lot of potted plants, and I don’t remember them being green so maybe the boppers were in black and white??  Or maybe they were in color but the t.v.’s were black and white???  Also, there was always lots of angst and unhappiness.  And they made me feel vaguely queasy for some reason.  Would the actors have been smoking in the boppers back in the 70’s?  Perhaps.  Maybe that’s why they made me feel queasy.  Who’s to say.]

HER: You could eat chips

[ME: Hmmm…have we now veared into a description of what YOU would do on a day off, Sweetie?]

HER: and drink coffee

[ME: Ok, maybe it was your idea of a good-time-during-a-day-off right up until the coffee thing, but I will give you that: I do drink a lot of coffee.  Originally it was a habit started back when you were a weaned infant, My Dear, but still up all night; when I had to go and put in a full day of work the next day, suddenly coffee became my best friend. Lots and lots of coffee.  Besties.  BFF’s.]

HER: and make laundry!

[ME: Wait!  MAKE laundry?  You think I MAKE laundry??  Do you picture me going up and rolling around in your bed in my sweaty workout clothes just so I’ll have some sheets to change?!  Beautiful Girl, it’s not I who makes all the laundry around here.  I do the laundry, but you got the wrong gal if you’re looking for the person who makes the laundry!]

ME: (out loud) Yeah – that sounds like fun.  I could do that.  If I weren’t so busy doing other things.

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