There’s this “thanks, but no thanks” letter I get from companies I’ve applied to.
These letters accomplish two things: 1) They convey in clear and concise language that I…uh…didn’t get the job. [Yeah. No sh%#, Sherlock! If I HAD gotten the job, you wouldn’t have sent a rinkydink letter. You would have sent a welcome team armed with flowers and balloons!] And 2) They get the voices chattering in my head. Despite the tinfoil hat I wear to block said voices, they still seem to come through loud and clear, particularly when one of these letters arrives.
[As a side note: Screw the tinfoil! SCREW IT! It doesn’t work. But I really wish it did.]
So without further ado…I bring you the letter I
frequently makes me sound like a loser, let’s just say I sometimes get from companies I apply to:
Dear You, [DEAR?? Let’s not pretend I’m “dear” anything to you.]
Thank you for expressing an interest in the XYZ position. [uh…you’re…welcome? But I have a bad feeling that I won’t be “welcoming” you much longer.] We regret to inform you that [WHAT?!? That someone’s DIED?? Give it to me straight, I can take it] after reviewing your application, we believe your skills and experiences [which skills and experiences would those be?! My two bachelor’s degrees? My MBA?? My 25 YEARS of progressive work experience complete with a dozen plus promotions, various awards and certifications?? THOSE SKILLS AND EXPERIENCES?!??] do not meet the job requirements. [WHAT??! Are you KIDDING me?!? Are. You. KIDDING ME??? ‘Cause I kinda thought THEY DID! THAT’S WHY I APPLIED FOR YOUR STUPID JOB!!!]
Again, thank you for taking the time to pursue this opportunity. [Which I’m now TOTALLY glad I didn’t get because I can tell that it would have been horrible to work for you. HORRIBLE! You can just take your self-important death notice letter and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!]
We encourage you to visit our website where we have more jobs to explore within our company [Oh? MORE jobs?? Ones that would be perfect for UNEMPLOYED BLOGGERS, perhaps?!? If I applied to THOSE jobs, would I still get a total crap letter from you? Maybe you just LIKE sending crap letters, is that it? Maybe you’ve made your whole CAREER outa sending crap letters, you crappity crap crapper!]
We wish you the very best in your career endeavors [Yeah, yeah. Puh-lease! I’ve heard it all before. You can just ZIP IT with your wishes ’cause there ain’t no one wishing harder than me! That’s for DARN sure!!]
ABC Recruitment Team [Don’t you actually mean “Recruitment Team for JOB HOBOS from WHACKADOODLE TOWN”?!?? Isn’t that what you REALLY mean? ISN’T IT?!??! So just say it already. SAY IT!!!! SAY! IT!!!]
So….do you see why I really, really, REALLY wish the tinfoil hat worked? These letters [VOICES] are exhausting.