Remember that part in yesterday’s blog about pre-employment tests? And remember how I said there were TWO tests – but then only told you about ONE of them? Well today, Boys & Girls, we’ll discuss Test Number 2. Officially it was called a “Criteria Cognitive Aptitude Test” but I fondly refer to it as “OMG! Why do I suck so much at math?!?”
It starts off with all sorts of dire warnings: You will have 15 minutes to complete this test. There are 50 questions. IT IS UNLIKELY YOU’LL FINISH BEFORE TIME EXPIRES. But do your best.
Naaaaawwwww, that warning doesn’t raise my stress level one bit now, does it?
At this point, I can feel my heart beating in my throat and my stomach has gotten queasy. I am clearly going to bite dust here. And I know it. But being the brave soul I am, I click “Next” anyway.
No calculators are allowed. Please use only pen and scratch paper. THE QUESTIONS WILL BECOME MORE DIFFICULT AS YOU GO ON.
Will you frickin’ stop already?!? Your instructions SUCK! AND ARE NOT HELPFUL!!!!
Now I’ve gone into full-blown heart palpitations. And I’m chumming in my mouth.
But I click another “Next” and am transported back in time to highschool where I am once again taking the SAT test. There is no other way to describe the crap I am being subjected to, other than to say it feels eerily similar to taking the SAT. And just like the SAT, I’m spending the first 10 minutes of the test trying to figure out what the grading scale is, “Should I just guess? Am I PENALIZED for guessing?? Do I get some points for at least ANSWERING the question even if it’s the WRONG answer?!?”
By the time I come out of that nosedive, we’ve gotten some “pattern” questions out-of-the-way. First there’s the “letter pattern” questions: badg, dbdf, fcde…what comes next in this pattern? Hmmm…wait! Wait. a, B, c, D, e, F…I might be on to something! The answer is 2. hddd . Woo-hoo!
Then there are the “shape pattern” questions: Which one is not like the other? Which one just doesn’t belong? Which one is not like the other? Can you figure it out before I finish this Sesame Street song?!? The pattern they display on the screen is a triangle, a circle, a square. As answer choices, they offer: a rhombus, a parallelogram with a triangle for-a-head, a rectangle, and a circle. THE CIRCLE! CHOOSE THE CIRCLE!!
And while I’m riding my I-can-pick-out-the-pattern-anywhere-anytime high, I get slammed upside the head with this doozie: A plane loaded with cargo travels 2000 miles at an average speed of 400 miles per hour. On the return trip on the same route it travels at an average speed of 480 miles per hour. How much quicker was the return trip?
4:03 MINUTES LEFT ON THE BIG, BLACK COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHTHAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN
Aaaack, what happened to the time?!? Ok. Ok. You move the invisible decimal over one in the 400 miles per hour and that gives you 40. That tells you that 40 is 10% of 400. If you double that, you get 80. So 80 is 20% of 400. They added 80 to 400 to come up with 480. So look for the answer that has something to do with 20% quicker. Let’s see, what are the options…
1) 10 minutes
2) 32 minutes
3) 50 minutes
4) 70 minutes
5) 90 minutes
What?!? These answers are all in MINUTES. I was hoping for a percentage!! But I can do this. Let’s see – you start with 60 minutes in an hour and move the invisible decimal over one. That gives you 6 minutes or 10% of 60 minutes, but we’re looking for 20% of 60 minutes so you double the 6 and come up with 12 minutes. But there is NO flippin’ 12 minutes for an answer! And I’ve completely left out that part about traveling 2000 miles. But I can’t even figure OUT how to incorporate that. I SUCK AT MATH!!!!! Ok, well. Let’s just go with 2) 32 minutes, because that’s the only one with a “2” in it.
3:41 MINUTES LEFT ON THE BIG, BLACK COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHTHAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN
Choose the word that is most nearly OPPOSITE to the word in capital letters: OSTENTATIOUS.
3) Modest??? Or Refined??? Is ostentatious ‘loud and obnoxious’ or just ‘overly gaudy’?!? CRAP!!! Now my bad math skills are infecting my good English skills. Just choose something! Ok, modest.
2:38 MINUTES LEFT ON THE BIG, BLACK COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHTHAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN
PARTITION is to SEPARATE as…
1) GUN is to ABDUCT
2) REFRIGERATOR is to COOL
3) CAGE is to FEED
4) DOOR is to CLOSE
5) FIELD is to WANDER
4) DOOR is to CLOSE??? But a partition separates, a door closes, a refrigerator cools. Crap! CRAP!!! No. 4. Stick with 4.
1:35 MINUTES LEFT ON THE BIG, BLACK COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHTHAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN
After selecting 180 of its employees to form a new division, a company discovers that engineers outnumber analysts by a 3:1 ratio in the division. Only analysts and engineers work in the new division. How many more analysts must the company add to the division if it wants to have a 1:1 ratio of engineers to analysts at the new division?
Screw the engineers AND the analysts. SCREW ‘EM! But if they want a 1:1 ratio, then there needs to be 180 of each, right? Which means they already have 180 and they need to add 180 MORE. How is this helping me? 3 goes into 180, 60 times. So right now there are only 60 analysts. They want 180 analysts. So they need to hire 120 more analysts. WHY IS THERE NO ‘120 ANALYSTS’ ANSWER?!?? Maybe some will get fired while we’re figuring this out so we should round-up to 135.
00:24 SECONDS LEFT ON THE BIG, BLACK COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHTHAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN
Kelly, Lisa, Mark and Ned are friends. One is a painter, another a doctor, another a lawyer, and another a salesperson. Each has a hobby: their hobbies are tennis, jogging, poker, and gardening.
- Lisa is the lawyer.
- Mark is the doctor and his hobby is jogging.
- The painter’s hobby is jogging.
- Kelly’s hobby is tennis.
Even if we did not know that Kelly’s hobby is tennis, which of the following statements could we deduce to be true?
A-Kelly is either the painter or the salesperson
B-Nancy’s hobby is gardening
C-Mark’s hobby is either poker or tennis
1) 1 only
2) 2 only
3) 3 only
4) 1 and 2
5) 1 and 3
WHAT. THE. HELL??? I HATE Kelly, Lisa, Mark and Ned. They have friends. They have hobbies. And? THEY ALSO HAVE JOBS. WHICH I WILL NEVER, EVER HAVE IF I KEEP TAKING TESTS LIKE THIS. CHOOSE AN ANSWER! CHOOSE AN ANSWER!!! YOU’RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME!!!!!!!
Your test has concluded. We will contact you shortly if you are a candidate for employment.