Over the Labor Day week-end, we went to see that new X-Men movie, Days of Future Past. This is the EXACT type of movie I hate. I don’t know ANY of the characters (not to mention they mostly all have English accents and/or are blue – as in the color blue – not “blue” in a sad sack, don’t-it-make-my-brown-eyes-blue sort of way; Although they have every right to be blue because their mutant race is on the verge of getting wiped out).
And? They travel back in time. Gaaah! I HATE time travel in movies-where-I-don’t-know-any-of-the-characters because it brings a level of math to the entertainment which makes the whole thing extremely unenjoyable. Not to mention that the characters are endlessly smiling smug smiles at eachother over their remembered past, future, past/future-but-not-right-now, future together. Annoying.
You know what else is annoying? The fact that my movie theater seat SMELLED! It smelled so BAD I spent most of the movie trying to figure out what it smelled like. Other theater goers may have gotten the impression I had a sniffing tic:
Sniff. SNIFF! Sniffsniffsniff.
Sniff. SNIFF! Sniffsniffsniff.
Good Lord! Could it be FEET?? Bad, bad FEET?!?
I leaned left to ask Sissy if HER chair smelled like feet. She replied, “No, my chair doesn’t smell like feet. Just your chair smells. In fact, you can pretty much assume it’s always, always just gonna be YOUR chair that smells.”
Then I leaned right, whereupon Hubby confirmed that no, no one else’s chair smelled like feet. Just mine. Then he added that my chair smelled because I’m a bad, bad girl. Who DESERVES to sit in a smelly chair. That smells like feet. In the Bad, Bad Feet Seat.
Well, ok then. In which case? I’m gonna tell you about the WHOLE movie without so much as a Spoiler Alert. So there!
It’s set in the future and the X-Men mutants are on the verge of being wiped out. I don’t know any of these future mutants’ names. Because, instead of introducing eachother to the audience, they spend the whole time avoiding complete annihilation which is being doled out by a bunch of robot-y fellers. But one mutant looks like the guy from that mid-90’s movie The Crow. And another looks like the main chick from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. One even looks like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and on the advice of an English accented gent from Star Trek, she helps Wolverine travel back in time to 1972. And let’s pause right here so that I can say, “Uh huh. Hugh Jackman? Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Nummy num num. We aren’t to the theee ay tuh yet, Hugh, but when we get there, don’t stop picking MY seat.”
There’s even this one part where Hugh Jackman as Wolverine has to show us FULL BACKAL NUDITY GGGGRRRROARRRR! track down Katniss Everdeen. It gets super confusing here so stick with me. Katniss is one of those blue people I was talking about earlier and for her part, she’s trying to track down Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.
Ultimately, that guy who drank the spit bucket in the wine tasting room in the movie Sideways saves the mutant population past, present and future by dressing up like an über homely Nixon and putting the kibosh on the robot-y fellers program (which would have destroyed all the mutants in the future unless the mutants had gone back in time E equals MC squared minus negative one).
Then? We’re back in the future where the half-fairy chick-with-the-gap-in-her-teeth from the True Blood series has a skunk stripe in her hair and says hi to Wolverine. Phew! There you have it, folks. The end.
Except for that part where I give Hugh Jackman a smug smile based on our completely non-existent past/future and say, “Hey Wolverine. Are those some adamantium claws in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?!”
Hmmm, maybe Hubby WAS right. Maybe I AM a bad, bad girl. ggggrrrroarrrrrr.