From: “Ryan Jensen” <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Tuesday, February 24, 2015 6:47:08 AM
Subject: Terrible Incident!!!
I really hope you get this quickly. I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu. we had to be in Manila, Philippines for Tour.. The program was successful, but our journey has turned sour. we misplaced our wallet and cell phone on our way back to the hotel we lodge in after we went for sight seeing. The wallet contained all the valuables we had. Now our passport is in custody of the hotel management pending when we make payment.
I am sorry if i am inconveniencing you, but i have only very few people to run to now. i will be indeed very grateful if i can get a short term loan from you ($2,950 USD). this will enable me sort our hotel bills and get my sorry self back home. I will really appreciate whatever you can afford in assisting me with. I promise to refund it in full as soon as soon as I return. let me know if you can be of any assistance. Please, let me know soonest.
Please let me know if you can help..
Did you get that urgent email from our ol’ pal, Ryan Jensen? The one titled “Terrible Incident!!!” (complete with three exclamation points)??
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
In which case, I think we can agree that Ryan is such a tool. We always did say that about him and this just confirms it.
If he had pretended he was a wealthy foreigner from Nigeria who needed help from L’il Ol’ Us to get his multi-millions out of the impound lot, we would have been more likely to help him, I think.
But no, Ryan’s up to his usual tricks – “we misplaced our wallet and cell phone on our way back to the hotel…”
“Misplaced” my big Aunt FANNY!
I guess you shoulduv kept WAAAAAY better track of that loose $2,950 you needed to get home, RyRy. And that soft-shoe business about how “the journey went sour” while you were sightseeing? That’s not helping. You probably shouldn’t mention that, because that’s not helping. That’s not gettin’ me on board with giving you $2,950 because A) Quite frankly, you always were a bit of a jerk and you are, in fact, “inconveniencing me” as you so politely put it with your money request and B) I didn’t have the $2,950 to GO sightseeing with you in the Philippines (not that you asked) – and I sure as shoot don’t have the $2,950 to give you now that you lost YOURS while YOU were sightseeing in the Philippines.
So…good luck to yer bad self. And next time you email, more caps please. The whole e.e. cummings vibe you’re giving off in your email just adds to the Annoying Factor.
But all of that aside, I am happy to meet you at the corner bar when you finally get your “sorry self back home.” You’re buying, right?