{"id":963,"date":"2013-03-07T07:25:26","date_gmt":"2013-03-07T14:25:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=963"},"modified":"2013-03-07T07:25:26","modified_gmt":"2013-03-07T14:25:26","slug":"teddy-bear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=963","title":{"rendered":"Teddy Bear"},"content":{"rendered":"

We have\u00a0a new puppy dog!\u00a0 Or as I like to call him – a poopy dog.\u00a0 Get it?\u00a0 Ha ha ha.\u00a0 POOPY??!<\/p>\n

That’s because he poops ALL the time.\u00a0 In ALL the wrong places.\u00a0 Turns out not so ha ha ha.\u00a0 I mean…it’s a LOT of poop.\u00a0 How does all that poop fit in there?!\u00a0 Is it just\u00a0our luck to get a dog with a malfunctioning poop device??<\/p>\n

The Eightball says:\u00a0 Signs point to yes!<\/p>\n

The dog’s\u00a0name is Teddy Bear, we’re on Day\u00a03 of his life with us, and\u00a0I had forgotten\u00a0how much work puppies are.\u00a0\u00a0But I remember now!\u00a0 No…now!\u00a0 NOW!!!\u00a0 And it’s a good thing I don’t have a job so I can spend all day hovering over him and anxiously letting him out every three seconds only to find I should have let him out two seconds ago!\u00a0 Gaaaaahhhhh!!!<\/p>\n

Anyway, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, I’m sending him an open\u00a0letter\u00a0about the rules of this house…<\/p>\n

Dear Teddy Bear,<\/p>\n

You\u00a0are as cute as the stuffed animal you’re named after, but cute is only gonna get you\u00a0so far.\u00a0 Trust me.\u00a0 I know what I’m talking about.\u00a0 So here are some rules you need to remember:<\/p>\n

1. Don’t eat the rabbit poop in the back yard.<\/p>\n

2. Ditto your OWN poop (grody to the max!!) [No grody is NOT just limited to the 80’s or things that gag you with a spoon.\u00a0 It’s appropriate for all decades.\u00a0 It never goes out of style – especially when combined with “to the max.”\u00a0 And it totally applies here.]<\/em><\/p>\n

3. The rose bush has prickers on it.\u00a0 You WILL get stuck.\u00a0 I’d understand the confusion the first few times.\u00a0 But we’re up to a dozen plus times now.\u00a0 Clue in.<\/p>\n

4. And stop acting like I’m doing something mean to you in the backyard.\u00a0 It’s the ROSEBUSH!\u00a0\u00a0See comment above.<\/p>\n

5. That switch that changes you from sleepy puppy into racing-around-the-house-freakshow-on-wheels?\u00a0 We gotta locate that switch and permanently turn it OFF!<\/p>\n

6. The bird whistling in the back yard is not your new father calling for you from the computer room.\u00a0 So you can look through the glass doors of that room all you want.\u00a0 But he STILL won’t be there.\u00a0 BECAUSE IT’S A BIRD!!<\/p>\n

7. I’ll file all those needle teeth down if I have to.\u00a0 I’ll do it.\u00a0 I’m not joking.\u00a0 (ok, I’m seriously, SERIOUSLY tempted.\u00a0 But I’m only joking.\u00a0 So those of you who can actually read this, please don’t call the animal cops, ‘k?\u00a0 I know who you are.\u00a0 YOU\u00a0know who you are.\u00a0 I’m looking right at ya.\u00a0 Can you see me?\u00a0 I can see you.\u00a0 Get your hand off the phone.)<\/p>\n

8. Stop all the itching.\u00a0 You don’t think it has anything to do with that first bath I gave you, does it??\u00a0 Btw – sorry about that.\u00a0 I still feel bad about sending\u00a0you out to play in the snow afterwards.\u00a0 HEY-I SAID I WAS SORRY!\u00a0 Now please stop itching.<\/p>\n

9. All boots, mittens, hats, socks, Legos,\u00a0American Girl dolls, feathers and….uh…HUMAN FINGERS…are OFF LIMITS!!!\u00a0\u00a0In fact, anything that’s not in your food bowl – or is not a sanctioned toy – is off limits.<\/p>\n

10. We don’t have to re-enact the After School Special titled “Puppy Finds\u00a0Girl After Long Separation”\u00a0EVERY time\u00a0I go to the bathroom, do we?!\u00a0 (Hey!\u00a0 I drink a LOT of coffee.\u00a0 So sue me!!).\u00a0 It makes me feel loved and all, but you know what would REALLY\u00a0make me feel loved?!?\u00a0 IS IF YOU FOLLOWED ALL THE RULES AND STOPPED POOPING EVERYWHERE!!!!<\/p>\n

Love & kisses,<\/p>\n

(Mean) Mommy<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We have\u00a0a new puppy dog!\u00a0 Or as I like to call him – a poopy dog.\u00a0 Get it?\u00a0 Ha ha ha.\u00a0 POOPY??! That’s because he poops ALL the time.\u00a0 In ALL the wrong places.\u00a0 Turns out not so ha ha ha.\u00a0 I mean…it’s a LOT of poop.\u00a0 How does all that poop fit in there?!\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/963"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=963"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/963\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":983,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/963\/revisions\/983"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=963"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=963"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=963"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}