{"id":4608,"date":"2018-10-19T17:14:09","date_gmt":"2018-10-19T23:14:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=4608"},"modified":"2018-10-19T17:14:09","modified_gmt":"2018-10-19T23:14:09","slug":"hot-pretzels","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=4608","title":{"rendered":"Hot Pretzels"},"content":{"rendered":"

My husband and kids love hot pretzels. In fact, they keep a bucket of frozen ones in the outside freezer for heating up at a moment\u2019s notice.\u00a0 Afterschool snacks, unhealthy dinner-in-a-pinch, weirdo breakfast.\u00a0 You name the occasion; they\u2019ll eat the hot pretzels for it.<\/p>\n

Me? Thanks for asking, but no, I don\u2019t like hot pretzels.\u00a0 Shockingly enough, there is a carbo load I WON\u2019T eat, and its name is Hot Pretzel.\u00a0 They remind me too much of a cold, overcast day in New York City.\u00a0 It’s\u00a0freezing and\u00a0my shoes are too tight.\u00a0 Too much of a naked glimpse into my psyche?\u00a0 Naw, not a\u2019tall!\u00a0 But besides all that, I always wish they tasted better.\u00a0 With salt.\u00a0 Without salt.\u00a0 Mustard.\u00a0 Cinnamon sugar.\u00a0 Nope, nope, nope, nope.\u00a0 Blaach!\u00a0 So I don\u2019t eat them.\u00a0 Ever.\u00a0 Because really, what\u2019s the point of eating something you don\u2019t…quite\u2026like, especially if they make you feel like\u00a0your shoes are too tight!?\u00a0 Also now \u2013 after Sissy\u2019s recent incident with them \u2013 it\u2019s a definite no, absofrickinlutely not.<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

You see, Sonny was cooking some hot pretzels in the toaster oven after school the other day. Sissy wanted some too, but first she had to remove Sonny\u2019s cooked ones.\u00a0 However, what\u2019s a girl\u00a0to do when the burning hot pretzel she\u2019s trying to barely touch and mostly flick from the toaster and onto the counter, instead starts falling to the floor?\u00a0 Why she should wear her shorty shorts, naturally.\u00a0 Then, using the amazing hand, eye, leg coordination of a three-sport highschool athlete, she should catch the\u00a0hot pretzel\u00a0on her bare thigh.\u00a0 And tightly clutch the pretzel with the other bare thigh, effectively sandwiching the upper loop (above the twist)\u00a0between her legs to keep the whole thing\u00a0off the ground.\u00a0 Finally, when the second-degree hot pretzel burn causes an involuntary unclenching of the thighs, the whole plan fails miserably and the pretzel falls\u00a0anyway.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s\u00a0her\u00a0subsequent open mouth wailing that brings me into the kitchen to see what\u2019s going on.\u00a0Sonny is picking up a hot pretzel from the floor.\u00a0 He calmly dusts it off on his pants and starts eating it while we both gaze\u00a0confusedly at Sissy who is crying loudly while simultaneously\u00a0demonstrating some sort of complicated running-in-place drill.\u00a0 Her inner thighs look like she just got kicked by a tiny horse who took exception to its tail braid, or possibly like she’s been bitten\u00a0on both legs by a leprechaun\u00a0wearing a worn out mouth guard.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Thus another life lesson has been learned in our house. Let the hot pretzel fall.\u00a0 Always let the hot pretzel fall.\u00a0 Especially if you\u2019re wearing your shorty shorts.\u00a0 Better yet, make your brother take\u00a0his own bleepin’ hot pretzels out of the toaster oven.<\/p>\n

I bet YOU don\u2019t like hot pretzels now, do you? They remind you too much of the smell of burnt human flesh, don\u2019t they!?\u00a0 You\u2019re welcome.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t need the calories anyway.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My husband and kids love hot pretzels. In fact, they keep a bucket of frozen ones in the outside freezer for heating up at a moment\u2019s notice.\u00a0 Afterschool snacks, unhealthy dinner-in-a-pinch, weirdo breakfast.\u00a0 You name the occasion; they\u2019ll eat the hot pretzels for it. Me? Thanks for asking, but no, I don\u2019t like hot pretzels.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4608"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4608"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4608\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4615,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4608\/revisions\/4615"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4608"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4608"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4608"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}