I was just in New Orleans, Louisiana. That place is fun.\u00a0 Pretty wild, in fact.\u00a0 And also exhausting. Especially that part where you have to walk down Bourbon Street with a plastic cup as tall as\u00a0a yardstick, filled with pi\u00f1a colada.<\/p>\n
So it’s a good thing that the airport in NOLA\u00a0is an international one and you can fly back to the United States when you’re done with the pi\u00f1a colada.<\/p>\n
But first you have to go through security at the airport. It looks and feels (and smells?) just like every other security, but the difference with the NOLA security is that it’s all just a big setup to get in a pretty girl’s pants.<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
This is the exact truth.<\/p>\n
Let me explain.<\/p>\n
There I am, standing spread eagle in the security screening thingie that’s reminiscent of a revolving door, I\u2019ve got my arms crossed in surrender above my head \u2013 just like in the helpful picture they post for you to stare at.<\/p>\n
When I come out of the revolving door, the TSA agent asks me to step to the side. As I’m doing so, I look back over my shoulder to the screen that shows your big, round head, and all your supposed metal bits highlighted in yellow.\u00a0 There on the screen is a yellow splotch the size of a softball.\u00a0 At the top of my pants. In the back.<\/p>\n
Wait! WHAT?!?\u00a0 No, no, no!!!\u00a0 There’s no metal in my pants RIGHT THERE!\u00a0 Waitwaitwait.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 I swear to you, there’s no metal in my pants AT ALL!!\u00a0 The yellow splotcher mcbob is broken.\u00a0 Please, PLEASE, who would smuggle metal through airport security in the back of their pants?!? Not me!\u00a0 NOT ME!!!<\/em><\/p>\n But because stuff that happens in New Orleans always seems like it\u2019s one click away from going mediaeval on your a$$, I’m afraid to protest and cause a scene. Also?\u00a0 It WILL seem like I’m trying to smuggle metal through security in the back of my pants in a \u201cmethinks she doth protest too much\u201d sort of way.<\/p>\n …and then I’ll use the backs of my hands to smooth down and over that area. So shall we begin?…<\/strong><\/p>\n While I’ve been flipping out in my head about my metal filled pants (that aren’t really filled with metal), the TSA agent has been describing how my strip search is gonna go down.<\/p>\n …it\u2019s your right to a security screening in private if you prefer…<\/strong><\/p>\n Actually? I prefer no screening.\u00a0 NO SCREENING ATALL!!!\u00a0 Can we arrange that?!<\/em><\/p>\n …if you decline that, I’ll need you to face away from me and open the waistband of your pants…<\/strong><\/p>\n Ok, now we\u2019ve veered into some weird \u201cpoopy diaper check\u201d version of a cavity search and I decide that it\u2019s not gonna happen this way without me piping up, “Listen. I want you to know that there’s no metal in my pants so I’m not sure why it showed up on the screen that way; I really, really think your screen is broken.”<\/p>\n …very good, Ma’am, now your waistband… <\/strong><\/p>\n Wow. How many times has this TSA agent heard the “I don’t have metal in my pants” shtick?!\u00a0 Not even a flicker of emotion.\u00a0 Robot much?!<\/p>\n Resigning myself to the fact that there\u2019s no fighting against automatons\u00a0who want a sneak peek at the magic, I open my waistband before God and country. While standing in the security line.\u00a0 At the New Orleans airport.<\/p>\n \u2026Not your underwear, Ma\u2019am. Just your jeans\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n Ok. Can I please go away and die now?\u00a0 Please??<\/em><\/p>\n But first, I have to submit to a full bum smoosh \u2026with the backs of my hands, Ma\u2019am\u2026 <\/strong>before being given the all clear and sent off to curl up and die\/cry in a corner somewhere.<\/p>\n Tried to tell ya there wasn\u2019t anything of YOUR concern in MY pants.\u00a0 Showed ya too.<\/em><\/p>\n My amazing parting shot? \u201cSee!\u00a0 I told you your screen was broken!\u00a0 I really think you need to check into that.\u201d<\/p>\n As I\u2019m walking away, I hear the TSA agent say to the woman behind me, \u201cMa\u2019am, please step to the side\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Thank HEAVEN you can fly back to the United States from New Orleans when you’re done\u00a0\u2013 because that place is exhausting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was just in New Orleans, Louisiana. That place is fun.\u00a0 Pretty wild, in fact.\u00a0 And also exhausting. Especially that part where you have to walk down Bourbon Street with a plastic cup as tall as\u00a0a yardstick, filled with pi\u00f1a colada. So it’s a good thing that the airport in NOLA\u00a0is an international one and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4491"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4491"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4494,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4491\/revisions\/4494"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}