{"id":3764,"date":"2014-09-19T16:12:22","date_gmt":"2014-09-19T22:12:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3764"},"modified":"2014-10-21T10:01:15","modified_gmt":"2014-10-21T16:01:15","slug":"its-foolproof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3764","title":{"rendered":"It’s Foolproof!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Because I find it completely hilarious, and this is my blog,\u00a0I\u2019d like to take this opportunity to once again offer insightful comments and recommendations on the crochet patterns I just received in yesterday\u2019s crochet newsletter.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I know, I know.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>It\u2019s gonna be fun.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But shhh, shhhhh!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s starting, so quiet down.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And for those of you who are still wondering WHY I\u2019m receiving crochet patterns automatically in my email, you can just SHUT IT!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But thanks for stopping by and here we go\u2026 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

1. <\/span>Foolproof Infinity Scarf<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>This pattern name implies that there are a lot of fools in your life.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So many that you should proof against them with this scarf.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In fact, this scarf is to fools as garlic is to vampires.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It repels them.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Makes them stay away.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Wear it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>I dare you.
\n<\/span> 2. <\/span><\/span>Back to School Dress<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span>Heavens to Murgatroyd!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>This pattern involves crocheting AND sewing.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In addition, it will NOT help your child fit in the first day of school.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So please, no.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Absolutely no.<\/span><\/span>
\n3. <\/span>30 Minute Beanie<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span>This pattern is actually for a baby boy.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But since my family has fairly tiny heads, I\u2019m now having visions of making color-coordinated ones of these for the whole gang for our next skiing trip.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Oh.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Wait.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s right, we all <\/span><\/span>HATE skiing<\/span><\/a> and I don\u2019t think tiny homemade hats will make it any better.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>So I guess not.
\n<\/span> 4. <\/span><\/span>Pumpkin Spice Cowl<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span>Don\u2019t let the name fool you.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s only called \u201cPumpkin\u201d because that\u2019s the color of the yarn, not because that\u2019s the type of head you\u2019ll look like you have if you wear this cowl.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because it\u2019s not your HEAD that will look huge if you wear this cowl, it\u2019s your body.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You see, the cowl is actually a tiny poncho look-alike.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0So it either gives the impression that someone accidentally shrunk your once normally fitting poncho\u2026or you\u2019re HUGE.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But if you can pull off a Fat Man in a Little Poncho look, then go for it!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Also, there are pompoms.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just fyi on that.<\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span> 5. <\/span><\/span>Bubblegum Baby Leg Warmers<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>Because really?<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0The ONLY one who could \u201cdo\u201d bubblegum colored leg warmers would be a baby.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Who sleeps most of the time.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And can\u2019t talk (or walk) yet.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And while the instructions state that the pattern is easily customizable for adults, do not be fooled.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>If you can read words and dress yourself, you should not be wearing pink leg warmers.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>End of discussion.
\n<\/span> 6. <\/span><\/span>Jingle Bells Holiday Scarf<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>Ooooh, yes!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You won\u2019t have a fun holiday without this scarf.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Make several of them right now.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Even make one for each of your children\u2019s teachers for Christmas gifts instead of that boring yawn<\/em> money envelope.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0They\u2019ll thank you much more heartily for the love that goes into this scarf than they ever would for cold, hard cash.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Ha ha.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just kidding.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>They\u2019d actually cut your heart out and wrap it up in this red-and-green yarn clusterbomb.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So skip that whole plan.<\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span> 7. <\/span><\/span>Fashionable Poncho<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>If you click-through to the pattern, you will discover that this creation was originally named the \u201cFling Ponchini.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I personally would have named it \u201cLooks like a hairy squirrel died recently on your shoulders\u201d but I suppose Fling Ponchini will do.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Please note you can wear the dead squirrel two ways.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>How fun.
\n<\/span> 8. <\/span><\/span>Sexy Leg Warmers<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>If by \u201cSexy\u201d they meant \u201cBulky, Lace-up Lederhosen\u201d then yes.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, these are they.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Do it to it!<\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span> 9. <\/span><\/span>60 Minute Cowl<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>Did you see that expose on Cowls?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It was great.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>They used a black light for some of it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I think it was on 48 Hours.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Or maybe it was 60 Minutes?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Either way, this pattern isn\u2019t half bad.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It gives off a pretty cool Katniss vibe.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Not bloody, fighting-for-her-life Katniss, you understand, but more of a Katniss-hunts-prey-in-the-woods-to-feed-her-family Katniss.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>As a side note, this is TOTALLY what I would wear if I had to go hunting in the woods to feed my family.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Hey, Creep!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Of course I\u2019d wear a warm winter coat too and not JUST the cowl.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>Creep.
\n<\/span> 10. <\/span><\/span>Fall Fashion Leg Warmers<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>What\u2019s with all the leg warmers?!<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0Leg warmers better not be back in fashion!<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because, really, there are certain words that should never, EVER be combined with \u201cLeg Warmers.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cFashion\u201d being one of them.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>They are mutually exclusive.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In addition, Flashdance called and they want their total crap looking leg thingies back. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Up next?\u00a0 \u201c12 Church-Approved Crochet Patterns.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0That\u2019s EXACTLY what today\u2019s email title said.<\/span>\u00a0 God’s honest truth.\u00a0 heh, heh, heh<\/em><\/span><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0It seems mind-boggling to me that the church would get involved in approving crochet patterns, but I guess they must have.\u00a0 Maybe they penciled it in between the Saturday morning baptism and the afternoon wedding: approve crochet patterns.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Just you wait.\u00a0 Crochet in CHURCH??\u00a0 <\/span>By all that’s HOLE-y (that is a pun in more ways than one.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And that?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just rhymed!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>No applause please, just tens and twenties.), it\u2019s gonna be fun!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Because I find it completely hilarious, and this is my blog,\u00a0I\u2019d like to take this opportunity to once again offer insightful comments and recommendations on the crochet patterns I just received in yesterday\u2019s crochet newsletter. I know, I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna be fun.\u00a0 But shhh, shhhhh!\u00a0 It\u2019s starting, so quiet down.\u00a0 And for those of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3764"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3764"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3764\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3885,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3764\/revisions\/3885"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3764"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3764"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3764"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}