{"id":3514,"date":"2014-07-21T17:25:37","date_gmt":"2014-07-21T23:25:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3514"},"modified":"2014-07-21T17:25:37","modified_gmt":"2014-07-21T23:25:37","slug":"wackjob-party-of-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3514","title":{"rendered":"Wackjob, Party of One"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh, silly me!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You know what I forgot to do when I was talking about the <\/span><\/span>10-and-under tennis matches my son plays in<\/span><\/a>?!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I completely forgot to mention how WACK the moms-of-the-opposing-team can get.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So to correct that error, I\u2019m gonna tell you ALLllllll about it now.<\/span><\/p>\n

And just so we\u2019re clear, I\u2019m not talking about ALL the mothers.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because, for the most part, the mothers are very nice and make polite small-talk for the hour our kids play tennis against eachother.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But today?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Today an opponent\u2019s mother brought her Crazytown A-Game.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And even though I know her real name, to protect the guilty I\u2019ll fondly refer to her as Crazy McGee.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The singles match starts between Cray-Cray\u2019s daughter and my son.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Cray-Cray\u2019s daughter serves and my son calls her serve out.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Cray-Cray (who had JUST screeched up to the court) says in a loud voice to herself, \u201cThat was in!\u201d and then louder across the court, \u201c<\/span>That was in!<\/span><\/em>\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Her daughter darts an anxious look over our way but plays on while C-C turns to me and says, \u201cIs that your son?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You should teach him not to CHEAT!\u201d (I\u2019m pretty sure spit flew out of her mouth on the <\/span>CHEAT!<\/span><\/em> part.)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ok, B*^#H.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Them\u2019s fightin\u2019 words.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span>But instead of saying what I really wanted to say, I access my inner reserve of calm, cool and collected and say, \u201cThat\u2019s language is unnecessary.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t see where the ball landed so I\u2019ll just have to trust my son\u2019s calls.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Crick, crick, crick.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/em><– T<\/span><\/span>hat\u2019s the sound of me ratcheting her up because then I say, \u201cAnd there\u2019s no coaching from the sidelines so you\u2019ll have to be quiet.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

All the while I\u2019m thinking: you just got here and you didn\u2019t even see the warm up which consisted of your daughter missing every one of her serves.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Also?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You were behind a chin-level bush, under a shady tree, on the complete OPPOSITE and CATTY-CORNERED side of the court from where the ball landed.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>My son was watching the ball land.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And therefore had his back turned to us, standing between us and the ball that was landing.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So unless you\u2019re using the power of your mind to see THROUGH humans, you could not POSSIBLY have seen where that ball landed.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>My suggestion at this point would be to climb back onto your big ol\u2019 That\u2019s the Truth\u2026Ptttthhhhttt! Ruth Buzzi rocking chair and stay there.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u2018Cause next time you come down off that rocker?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m gonna go medieval on you\u2019re a$$.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

But nopey, nopers.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>C-C didn\u2019t clue in and continues to grumble and rabble rouse, especially after my son asks her daughter if she\u2019s \u201csure\u201d that HIS ball was out.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I take the opportunity to state that any worthwhile tennis player <\/span>crick, crick, crick<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>who has an ounce of tennis etiquette knows that it\u2019s appropriate to say, in a nice tone-of-voice, \u201cAre you sure?\u201d if the opponent called your ball \u2018out\u2019 when you think your ball might actually have been \u2018in.\u2019<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Tennis etiquette, schmennis etiquette.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>C-C flips her lid again, spouting nonsense about how my son is so rude to ask questions like that.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Who does he think he is questioning her L\u2019il Angel?!?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ok, so none of this is real, right?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>These kids are not playing with real balls, real rackets or even real lines.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m pretty darn sure that none of what happens here today will go in their college transcripts.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>[Well, other than that part where C-C\u2019s daughter\u2019s transcript will say in red, bold letters that her mom is a <\/span>FULL-ON WACKADOODLE<\/span><\/strong>.]<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So even though none of this really matters, all I can think is, \u201cOh no you di-int.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Now it\u2019s on like Donkey Kong!\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

So to prove my point, I seek clarification from C-C\u2019s daughter\u2019s tennis coach about whether or not it\u2019s \u201cpolite tennis\u201d to simply confirm that the shot was out.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He verifies that it is, that it ABSOLUTELY is ok to ask what my son asked.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

At the tennis coach\u2019s response, C-C says, \u201cI\u2019ve never seen that man before in my life.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t believe what he\u2019s saying.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve never seen him before in my life.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019s not OUR coach.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ok. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>But just so you know, that guy I was talking to?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just now??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He was here starting the match and going over the rules.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>After that he started conducting drills for the older kids on the court behind us.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m pretty sure someone doing all that would be a\u2026ohhh, what\u2019s the word I\u2019m looking for…COACH??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And when he was doing all that coaching stuff, <\/span><\/em>I <\/span><\/span>saw him.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So I\u2019m sorry that YOU didn\u2019t see him.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But then again, you must not be able to see many people from OUTERSPACE!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Where you apparently LIVE!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which means that you must have missed that part where we moms-on-earth got together and agreed to act normally during a 10-and-under tennis match.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>We were probably covering that right about the time you were orbiting past the dark side of the moon and maintaining radio silence\u00a0\u2013 so yeah, you musta missed that discussion.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But now I\u2019ve taken it as my personal mission to clue you in to everything you musta missed.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So hang on to yer hat, here goes\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

But before I can go all \u2018shock and awe\u2019 on her, she tells ME that I just have to be quiet, \u201cBe quiet already!\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Whaaaaa?!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Whaaaa the fuhhhhh???<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

So I say, \u201cOh.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Ok.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So glad you asked nicely.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Will do.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But everyone here knows that I\u2019m not the one being antagonistic.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Crick, crick, crick.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Then?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>She snaps.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>She takes affront to the word \u2018antagonistic\u2019 and says, \u201cI don\u2019t know what that word means. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>I don\u2019t even know what that word means.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve never heard that word before IN MY LIFE!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

At which point she stomps off.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just grabs her bag and walks away while her daughter on the court watches her go.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Gee.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Seems like lots of stuff is happening in your life that you don\u2019t know about.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which means you have to repeat it twice?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Repeat it twice?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>First you\u2019ve never seen your daughter\u2019s tennis coach.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Now you\u2019ve never heard a word that I\u2019m sure has been used DAILY to describe you.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In fact, I\u2019m 100% sure people say that word to you \u2013 and about you \u2013 all.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>the.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>time.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Take me for example: I\u2019ve spent fifteen minutes with you so far and I said it to you at least once.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Out loud.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

After C-C has stomped off, the club\u2019s head tennis pro comes over and profusely apologizes.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Huh.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Seems like this must happen\u2026a LOT.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Soon enough, though, C-C\u2019s back.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Yay!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Turns out the creepy stalker view of the court she excused herself to (also known as \u201cstanding outside the courts, looking in through a rip in the windscreen\u201d) didn\u2019t afford her an adequate view of her daughter\u2019s Olympic tennis team try-outs.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So she\u2019s back.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And better than ever.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

You have GOT to settle down, Sparky.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Despite what the voices in your head tell you, C-C, these kids are NOT going to the Olympics next year.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Not even in TWO years.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But hang in there because I can see that it\u2019s clearly your entire retirement plan to have your daughter get a scholarship to Wimbledon.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And we\u2019re in luck!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because by then, her 10-and-under tennis team results will have been expunged from her permanent record and we can all act like this was just a dream.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Lucky us.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Lucky, lucky, lucky.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The kids-on-the-court switch sides.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>C-C opens the gate and starts walking towards her daughter.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I say, \u201cI\u2019m going to have to ask that you not coach your child while she\u2019s on the court.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Crick, crick, crick.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

C-C tries it again, this time during a set break.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I politely remind her that the children only have a 90 second changeover break during a game and 120 seconds between sets.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And they\u2019ve already run over due to her illegally coaching her daughter on the court.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Surprise, surprise she\u2019s never heard of the time limits.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Crick, crick, crick.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The Wackjob, Party of One Extravaganza went on and on.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In fact?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It may still be going on.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But Sonny lost the match and we left.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So I don\u2019t really know if it is or not.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t really know if it is or not.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

P.S.<\/span>\u00a0 Mrs. McGee?\u00a0 Cray-Cray??\u00a0 B<\/span>y the way, just wanted to let you know that your L\u2019il Angel foot-faulted on EVERY ONE of her serves.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>How \u2018bout THAT?<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>You ever heard of THAT??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Ever heard of THAT??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Your head tennis pro saw it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>The coach saw it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I<\/span><\/em> saw it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>My son, her opponent, saw it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And as such, he coulda dinged her for points every time she did it\u2026because she shouldn\u2019t have been doin\u2019 it!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>My son coulda won the match in about twenty minutes if someone had said something.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But instead, no one said a peep.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>[See note above about NO COACHING FROM THE SIDELINES, YOU WINGNUT!]<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>We just watched my son play tennis like a gentleman and give your daughter a few friendly warnings instead of pulling points.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It may not get him a college scholarship, I may not retire on his fame and glory, but he will have a reputation for playing nice, polite tennis.\u00a0 And maybe he’ll become a better person in the process.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Crick, crick, crick.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oh, silly me!\u00a0 You know what I forgot to do when I was talking about the 10-and-under tennis matches my son plays in?!\u00a0 I completely forgot to mention how WACK the moms-of-the-opposing-team can get. So to correct that error, I\u2019m gonna tell you ALLllllll about it now. And just so we\u2019re clear, I\u2019m not talking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3514"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3514"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3514\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3516,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3514\/revisions\/3516"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3514"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3514"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3514"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}