{"id":3501,"date":"2014-07-15T16:24:13","date_gmt":"2014-07-15T22:24:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3501"},"modified":"2014-07-15T16:24:13","modified_gmt":"2014-07-15T22:24:13","slug":"sucktown-u-s-a","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3501","title":{"rendered":"Sucktown, U.S.A."},"content":{"rendered":"

My car has this nifty feature that I wanted to tell you about.<\/span><\/p>\n

To activate it, first you must go shopping at Walmart for a few groceries.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And then, since you\u2019re quickly running out of time before you need to pick the kids up at tennis practice,\u00a0cave and buy all of the icecream-the-kids-have-been-begging-for-all-summer long.<\/span>\u00a0 Think to yourself: w<\/em><\/span>o<\/em>n\u2019t I win allllllll of the nice mom points when I come skidding up to the tennis court in my twelve-year-old Honda Odyssey minivan, loaded down with frosty treats?!?<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Next,\u00a0place\u00a0your temperature-sensitive purchases into\u00a0the passenger side of your car because that\u2019s the side in the shade and the temperature is 90 degrees.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Oh, and don\u2019t forget to place\u00a0your purse, your phone and your keys into the front seat while you\u2019re at it.<\/span>\u00a0 We’ll call that\u00a0<\/span>the \u201csecret sauce\u201d of\u00a0nifty feature activation.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It’s\u00a0right about the time you\u2019re playing Good Citizen and walking your cart to the cart corral\u00a0that the nifty\u00a0feature ACTIVATES!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Lock.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Lock, lock, lock.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>LOCK!!!<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

There.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>All of the doors of the car are now locked.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a \u201ctimeout\u201d lock.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>If the car has been unlocked – but the driver\u2019s side hasn\u2019t been accessed after a certain period of time – the car locks itself up again.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ISN\u2019T THAT THE NIFTIEST FRICKIN\u2019 FEATURE YOU EVER HEARD OF?!??!??!!!!\u00a0 EVER?!???!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Welllllllcome to Sucktown, U.S.A.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Population?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>One.\u00a0 Me.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

What.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>The.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>HellamIsupposedtodonow?!??\u00a0 I could call someone if my PHONE WASN’T LOCKED IN THE CAR!\u00a0 I could unlock the car to get my phone IF MY KEYS WEREN’T LOCKED IN THE CAR!\u00a0 I could ignore the whole mess and go shopping some more IF MY PURSE WASN’T LOCKED IN THE CAR!!!!<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

^&%$#*&^#!!!!!!!!!!!!<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

So I hot foot it back into Walmart and up to the Customer Service Counter.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I did originally consider begging a cellphone off of someone in the parking lot.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But that seemed weird.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I seemed weird.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Also, there\u2019s always the possibility of getting cold sores with that approach.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Once I was at the counter, I had to explain what happened.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And ask if I could use their phone to call my husband.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But first, could I use their internet and a computer because I\u2019m a total a$$ and have NO IDEA what my husband\u2019s cell or work number is since it\u2019s programmed into my phone\u2026but I could look up his work website and get the phone number that way.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m smart like that.\u00a0 And no, no kids or pets in the hot, locked car.\u00a0 Just a bunch of melty ice-cream.\u00a0\u00a0But thanks for asking.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Problem Numero Uno with that approach was that they didn\u2019t have a public computer or internet access available.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Problem Number Dos was that the public access phone was already being used by a customer who was trying to get someone on the horn who habla\u2019d Espa\u00f1ol.\u00a0 It seemed\u00a0like it was gonna take a while.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So the lovely, lovely customer service rep I had been speaking with let me borrow her personal cell phone to do my research and make my call. <\/span><\/p>\n

THANK YOU LOVELY WALMART CUSTOMER SERVICE REP!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

And when I finally got Hubby on the line, I started to explain the whole mess and realized that the ice-cream\u00a0was melting even faster as I did that.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So I closed with speedtalking, \u201cI\u2019m at the Walmart by home.T<\/span>he kids need to be picked up from tennis.<\/span>The ice-cream is melting.<\/span>I\u2019m locked out of the car.<\/span>JUST COME GET ME <\/span>COME GET ME <\/span>NOW<\/span><\/em>!!!!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I thanked the lovely Walmart Customer service rep again as I handed back her phone.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I walked out of the store and realized I hadn\u2019t given Hubby a triangulation point.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Crap.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Knowing hoping<\/em>\u00a0Hubby is as clever as I am and would know to check outside the front entrance of the store for me, I settled down on a pallet of Miracle Gro potting soil to wait. <\/span><\/p>\n

While I won\u2019t go into further detail here, lemme just say\u00a0that there is some crazy s**t that goes down in a Walmart parking lot.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I gotta get a job at Walmart because the 20-items-or-less cashier I always see there in the morning drove away from her shift in a LEXUS!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>WTF???<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

By the time Hubby FINALLY pulled up (he said ten minutes on the phone; it was actually TWENTY! not clever enough, I’m afraid) I had convinced myself that people thought I was the saddest, most cut-rate ho EVER;\u00a0<\/span>Havin\u2019 to hook her wares from \u201chome base\u201d on a pallet of\u00a0potting soil.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So when I saw his car come \u2018round the corner, I hiked up my shorts,\u00a0crooked\u00a0my leg\u00a0and got into character.\u00a0 The whole scene actually\u00a0gave off more of a “gotta hinkle off to\u00a0the bathroom now”\u00a0rather than an “I’m lookin’ for my next John” vibe.\u00a0 But now’s not the time to critique my acting ability.\u00a0<\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

I said nothing, just hopped in as he slowed down.\u00a0 I\u00a0pointed at\u00a0a lane in the parking lot and h<\/span>e drove me to my car and unlocked it using his set of keys.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Then drove away shouting, \u201cFuggedaboutit!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t even mention it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>YOU\u2019RE WELCOME!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Isn’t he funny?!\u00a0 He\u2019s sooooooo funny!<\/span><\/p>\n

But you know what\u2019s NOT funny?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sucktown, U.S.A.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It SUCKS!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t go there.\u00a0 So beware of\u00a0nifty locking features on your car.\u00a0 BEWARE!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My car has this nifty feature that I wanted to tell you about. To activate it, first you must go shopping at Walmart for a few groceries.\u00a0 And then, since you\u2019re quickly running out of time before you need to pick the kids up at tennis practice,\u00a0cave and buy all of the icecream-the-kids-have-been-begging-for-all-summer long.\u00a0 Think […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[153,152,150,149,151],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3501"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3501"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3501\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3513,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3501\/revisions\/3513"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3501"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3501"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3501"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}