{"id":3481,"date":"2014-07-11T13:16:00","date_gmt":"2014-07-11T19:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3481"},"modified":"2014-07-11T13:16:00","modified_gmt":"2014-07-11T19:16:00","slug":"what-skinny-people-eat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3481","title":{"rendered":"What Skinny People Eat"},"content":{"rendered":"

I saw this intriguingly titled article recently and assumed it would provide me with all the skinny secrets of the world.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Then, eventually I would become skinny too!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Right?!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But guess what?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>BULLS**T!<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>[Insert coughing noise that sounds suspiciously like <\/span>BULLS**T!<\/span><\/em> here.]<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Because artichokes?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Really?!?<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Preparing artichokes is like preparing tree bark for consumption.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s so tedious and time-consuming and the return is minimal.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And that\u2019s why people don\u2019t eat tree bark.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Nor should they eat artichokes.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Scraping a quarter-inch of \u201cgood stuff\u201d off with your bottom teeth?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>See coughing noises above.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Plus, by the time you\u2019ve gnawed your way through the nonsense, night has fallen and you just wanna go sleepies.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The list has started out poorly and number one on said list leaves you thinking that skinny a$$holes only eat mind-numbing, nap-producing crap, right?<\/span><\/p>\n

But no!<\/span><\/p>\n

Because number two on the list is \u201cPlain \u2018Ol Water.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Which assures you that not only are skinny people skinny, they are also moronic.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because \u2013 news flash, slow boats \u2013 you don\u2019t EAT water!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And if the secret to skinny success is nummy, num, num waawaa for snackypoo, then I suggest you keep your \u201cFeelin\u2019 Fancy\u201d fruit-infused water (AND your $25\u00a0Fruit Infusion Pitcher) and shove it in your piehole.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Give me some PIE for my piehole at snackypoo time and we\u2019ll call it even.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Next up?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Chocolate.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Anyone who has eaten melted, re-congealed Rolos off the wrapper knows this is not an adequate foodgroup.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Skinny people are liars now too.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Fourth on the list is almond butter.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Hmmmm.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>But then the article shows a teensy bit smeared on that annoying brown bread.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>That kinda bread leaves me feeling like I just worked my way through a sack o\u2019 oats.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Hate it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Movin\u2019 on\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Fifth is cottage cheese.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Oy.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>It only tastes good if you add canned-pineapple-in-heavy-syrup to it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which I think defeats the whole purpose and that could be why the pineapple trick isn\u2019t mentioned once in the article.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So\u2026no go.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Avocados.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>NOW we\u2019re cooking with oil!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which isn\u2019t recommended by skinny people.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>They recommend the non-fat cooking spray. <\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span>But oddly enough, nowhere does it mention that you should mash up the avocados and consume them with half a bag of tortilla chips.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Either it\u2019s an error of omission.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Or the skinny people are now sending me subliminal signals of the \u201cfly, be free!\u201d variety.\u00a0 I sense the skinny people want others to be happy, so I’m going with the signals theory.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Raspberries.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Uhhhhhh\u2026ok.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>If we HAVE to.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>But those seed things jack up my back teeth.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which might be part of the plan.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>To make the eating process so painful that you stop eating?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Fool\u2019s errand, my skinny friend.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I tend to eat THROUGH the pain.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Number eight is eggs.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Snooze.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>And for anyone who ever did Atkins, snooze AND barf!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Can I get an Amen on that?!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because about a week into Adkins (and, funny enough, for the rest of your life), the smell of eggs makes you wanna gag.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Plus?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>While on Adkins, you\u2019d KILL for an apple.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But you know what you\u2019d NEVER kill for?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Spinach, number nine.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because why you would aspire to be a\u00a0one-good-eye\u00a0sailor who smokes and has\u00a0oversized forearms is beyond me.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Popeye much?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Guh-guh-guh-guh-guh.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

TEN?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Pickles.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>If served atop a bacon cheeseburger, yes.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>By themselves?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>A plate full of pickles?!?<\/em><\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Completely wack.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>This proves the \u201cThese People are Insane\u201d theory and I suspect they may have a sodium overdose\u00a0issue.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ok.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Well \u2013 that was an interesting list.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u00a0<\/span>only took me four snickerdoodles to get through, and\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I\u2019ve come to the conclusion that\u00a0skinny people can keep their skinny.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Clearly their\u00a0parties are boring.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

At my parties, our lime-infused \u201cwater\u201d tastes suspiciously like margaritas.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And we serve our avocados guacamole-style.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>With\u2026<\/span>gasp!<\/span><\/em>…chips.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Signals received.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I may not be skinny.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But I am FUN!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I saw this intriguingly titled article recently and assumed it would provide me with all the skinny secrets of the world.\u00a0 Then, eventually I would become skinny too!\u00a0 Right?! But guess what?\u00a0 BULLS**T!\u00a0 [Insert coughing noise that sounds suspiciously like BULLS**T! here.] Because artichokes?\u00a0 Really?!? Preparing artichokes is like preparing tree bark for consumption.\u00a0 It\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[145],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3481"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3481"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3481\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3489,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3481\/revisions\/3489"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3481"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3481"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3481"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}