{"id":3214,"date":"2014-05-09T09:20:14","date_gmt":"2014-05-09T15:20:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3214"},"modified":"2014-05-09T09:21:28","modified_gmt":"2014-05-09T15:21:28","slug":"shirts-vs-skins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3214","title":{"rendered":"Shirts vs. Skins"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the scheme of things, the dermatologist appointment should be one of the easier doctor visits, right?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You don\u2019t have to wear make-up (in fact it\u2019s encouraged that you don\u2019t) and there\u2019s no particular gussying up of yer lady parts required.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

See?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s easy from top to bottom!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>heh, heh, heh<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Admittedly there might be a \u201cmatching bra and panties\u201d (or at least a \u201cwear clean underwear\u201d) component to the visit, especially if you\u2019re going to see Dr. Skin\u00a0for a quick game of \u201cI spy with my little eye.\u201d <\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In Colorado, that game is called an Annual Skin Check.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And trust me when I say that during this visit, Dr. Skin\u00a0will spy with his little eye whether or not you brought your A-Game Underwear. <\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s only after Dr. Skin’s militant, Germanic office manager has handed me two separate cover-ups \u2013 both the consistency of cheap paper napkins \u2013 that I know this is gonna go down harder than I originally thought.\u00a0\u00a0Game on.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

After Achtung Baby leaves, I try to remember<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>what she said about my new paper doll outfit.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Leave my underwear and bra on, with the paper top open backwards??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/em>And I briefly make myself giggle with the visual of me forgetting the instructions and wearing NO bra OR underwear.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Surprise, Doc!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Wucka, wucka!!!<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But S^^T!<\/span>\u00a0 During the giggling portion of the event,\u00a0<\/span>\u201csomeone\u201d\u00a0accidentally ripped the piece-of-cheap-crap top\u00a0as they were open-in-backing it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And now this is serious business.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>There are five extra inches of skin exposed at the neckline and the fault line is inching further south every time I move.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But more importantly, what about the paper skirt?!?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Nothing was said about THAT!!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>How is this measly thing supposed to cover my ass-ets??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>WTF?!??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Do only skinny people come to the dermatologist\u2019s office???<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Exactly\u00a0HOW should I be wearing this\u00a0charming paper skirt?!\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Would \u201copen in front\u201d be too forward?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>As in, \u201cI\u2019m mostly nekkid under here, Doc.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Peek-a-boo!\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But would \u201copen in back\u201d be too hard for the doctor to get to and therefore result in an embarrassing \u201cPlease lift your butt cheek so I can unwrap you\u201d approach?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So at first I put my paper skirt around my waist like you would a towel-after-swimming.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But when I sit down, it doesn\u2019t actually overlap\u2026or even CLOSE\u2026in the front like a REAL towel would.<\/span>\u00a0 I<\/span>nstead it gapes a good two inches from stem-to-stern.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So I quickly switch to more of an \u201cartful drape\u201d with the paper spread over my lap and tucked under my legs.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>During this process I succeeded in poking five thumb-sized holes in the #^*$ing thing.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And the rip in my top is now SEVEN inches long.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s at this point that the doctor knocks on the door and breezes in.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>[I love \u201cthe knock,\u201d don\u2019t you?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Like I would ever say, \u201cNot now!\u201d Or, \u201cI\u2019m busy, go away!\u201d when we BOTH know I\u2019ve been doing nothing ELSE for the last fifteen minutes but sitting there, sweating his arrival.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And speaking of SWEATING, my new outfit is now “sticking” in certain\u00a0places.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Super cute.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, yes!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Please come in and witness the glory.<\/span><\/em>]<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So Dr. Skin\u00a0comes in with a propane torch under his arm and acts like he\u2019s going to demonstrate his cr\u00e8me <\/span>br\u00fbl\u00e9e <\/span>recipe.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which he does\u2026ON MY FACE!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>There are some\u00a0spots that require flames and brown, bubbling flesh \u2013 two corresponding ones on\u00a0either temple.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>After the cr\u00e8me <\/span>br\u00fbl\u00e9e<\/span> demonstration, these accidental temple twins leave me looking like I\u2019m a calf with new horn buds, or an escapee from shock-therapy-gone-bad.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>How darling!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And the whole thing leaves me feeling like I\u2019ve been stabbed in the head and left to die.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But while I\u2019m breathing through the pain, Doc makes himself comfortable on his low, low stool, gazes up at me, and proceeds to give a dissertation on \u201crecommended skin care products\u201d all the while writing lists on the back of prescription pads.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And me?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>I\u2019m not even listening because I have a blazing headache and am engaged in a bizarre, crinkly Fan Dance.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>The front tear on my backwards weskit has become a full split-down-the-middle.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So now my paper top is in two separate pieces \u2013 a left one and a right one.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Which I constantly have to pull together, then up, then down, then back together again, right hand to heart\u2026holding, holding\u2026so that I don\u2019t accidentally display too many naughty bits.<\/span>\u00a0 Uh-huh.\u00a0 Uh-huh, Doc.\u00a0 Uh-huh.<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>And my left hand?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Same scenario down below because the holes in my paper skirt have joined forces.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Now it\u2019s MOSTLY holes\u00a0and my\u00a0pride is in tatters, j<\/span>ust like the\u00a0skirt.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Yeah, yeah, yeah.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Beat it already, Doc!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I gotta get DRESSED!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Into REAL clothes that don\u2019t disintegrate.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But wowzers \u2013 that game was loads of fun.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Count on me for another round next year. <\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the scheme of things, the dermatologist appointment should be one of the easier doctor visits, right?\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to wear make-up (in fact it\u2019s encouraged that you don\u2019t) and there\u2019s no particular gussying up of yer lady parts required.\u00a0 See?\u00a0 It\u2019s easy from top to bottom!\u00a0 heh, heh, heh Admittedly there might be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[36,38,35,37,34,39],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3214"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3214"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3214\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3228,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3214\/revisions\/3228"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}