{"id":3137,"date":"2014-04-25T09:07:32","date_gmt":"2014-04-25T15:07:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3137"},"modified":"2014-04-25T13:14:27","modified_gmt":"2014-04-25T19:14:27","slug":"shows-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3137","title":{"rendered":"Show’s on!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sonny has my old P90X pull-up bar installed in his room.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>The difference between the two of us is that he can actually DO pull-ups on it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I never could.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Ratbastard P90X, if I EVER see you again, it\u2019ll be too soon!!! <\/span><\/em>[She said with a hate-filled voice, dripping venom.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And diamonds.]<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So when I went upstairs last night, it came as no surprise that he had just been using it, \u201cHey Mom.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Look at my abs!\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYep, sweetie.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Good job.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>What pull-ups have to do with abs, I don\u2019t know.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And speaking of abs, there were none present, just really more strategic “lines” that give the odd resemblance to abs when viewed in low-light.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Sonny and I both knew what was what, so then he says, \u201cWhen I hit puberty, will I get real abs?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Like\u2026all-of-a-sudden, a six-pack is gonna sprout on his stomach overnight.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, abs are something you have to work really hard at, whether you\u2019ve hit puberty or not.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But now my spidey-senses are tingling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Puberty?!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Let\u2019s discuss\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

And because I\u2019m a good mother, filled with wisdom and a stellar sense of timing, I launch into a speech\u00a0on \u201cHow your body will REALLY change once you hit puberty.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This conversation is akin to a plane completely stalling out, then plummeting towards the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I pause to take a breath from the \u201chair\u201d portion of the presentation, Sonny says, \u201cWait a second.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So hair will grow OUT of my belly button?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Pull. UP.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>PULL! UP!!!<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span>\u201cWell\u2026not exactly.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So then I\u2019m forced to clarify what I just said, because admittedly, it was totally confusing.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And as I\u2019m \u201cclarifying,\u201d I can tell it\u2019s not going any better than the original explanation\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

OH.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>MY.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>SWEET. LORD!!!!! <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>This is awful.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>This is truly AWFUL!!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m the one SAYING it and I just want it to stop.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And let\u2019s pause right here and come to a consensus that small words like \u201con\u201d and \u201caround\u201d really do make all the difference when discussing hair, don\u2019t they?<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve misspoken one of those words, and I can tell Sonny is now picturing himself \u2013 once he hits puberty \u2013 having to go WITH the dog to the groomer to get all of the hair completely COVERING his penis trimmed.<\/span><\/p>\n

The plane has\u00a0crashed into the ground at this point.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>There are no survivors.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Another big pause\u2026processing, processing\u2026then Sonny says, \u201cSometimes when we have to sit criss-cross applesauce in class, you can see Charlie\u2019s butt crack.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, thank you!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>ThankyouTHANKYOU!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019d MUCH rather talk about Charlie\u2019s butt crack when he sits criss-cross applesauce!!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>YES, LET\u2019S DO IT!!!<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

And so we leave our happy mother-son couple, chatting about Charlie\u2019s butt crack\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

And this has been another presentation of \u201cHow to talk to your pre-pubescent son in a completely irrelevant yet confusing and most likely mentally scarring way.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks for tuning in.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sonny has my old P90X pull-up bar installed in his room.\u00a0 The difference between the two of us is that he can actually DO pull-ups on it.\u00a0 I never could.\u00a0 Ratbastard P90X, if I EVER see you again, it\u2019ll be too soon!!! [She said with a hate-filled voice, dripping venom.\u00a0 And diamonds.] So when I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3137"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3137"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3137\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3149,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3137\/revisions\/3149"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}