{"id":3041,"date":"2014-04-14T09:25:22","date_gmt":"2014-04-14T15:25:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3041"},"modified":"2014-04-14T09:25:22","modified_gmt":"2014-04-14T15:25:22","slug":"grand-canyon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=3041","title":{"rendered":"Grand Canyon"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cGrand\u201d is a misnomer.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cGrand\u201d makes me think Flappers are standing on some rocky ledge doin\u2019 the Charleston while dapper fellas in jaunty hats stand behind them belting down drinks named \u201chighball\u201d and \u201csidecar.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In general , everyone\u2019s havin\u2019 a GRAND time<\/span>.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Boop boop-ee doop!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

But that would be WRONG!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because when I was there a few weeks ago, there wasn\u2019t a Flapper in sight.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And that canyon is BIIIIIG.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And DEEP!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>With lots and lots of rocks!!!\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So perhaps it shoulduv been more aptly named<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cRocky\u201d Canyon?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Naw.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe \u201cBig and Deep\u201d Canyon??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Or how\u2019s about \u201cDeep and Wide\u201d Canyon?!?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>THAT has a nice ring to it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>THAT, I could get behind.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because a Canyon that\u2019s Deep and Wide would most likely have milk and honey on the other side.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In which case, I\u2019m in!<\/span><\/p>\n

But \u201cDeep and Wide\u201d still seems too kinder-and-gentler for what that canyon really is.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because what it really is?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Is just plain scary.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Scary as a sumbitch.<\/span><\/p>\n

Scary Canyon.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Yep.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>NOW I\u2019m in.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Scary Canyon where you too can have a frightening, nerve-racking time! <\/span><\/p>\n

And you thought I <\/span>hated skiing<\/span><\/a>\u2026but what I really hate is heights.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>(And spiders, but that\u2019s another show.)<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And the Scary Canyon has a LOT of heights.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>So many heights that you start to feel like you might \u201caccidentally\u201d fall right in.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>As a result of a good, hard shove\u2026or because of some unintended tripping\u2026or even due to an incident involving a combination of melon head\/gravity\/leaning-too-far.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And then you\u2019d <\/span>boing! boing!<\/span><\/em> bounce all the way down those rocky outcrops \u2018til there\u2019s cantaloupe splattered EVERYWHERE.<\/span><\/p>\n

And that trick I developed to gain some perspective when I\u2019m feeling too high up? <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>That trick of only looking as far as the tips of my skis instead of ALLLLLL the way down, down, down?!?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>That trick doesn\u2019t work at Scary Canyon.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because there are no skis there.<\/span><\/p>\n

You know what else they don\u2019t have at Scary Canyon??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Silence.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Particularly in my group.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because in my group, there was a lot of yelling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>By someone.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Directed at other someones who were getting too close to the edge.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Or WALKING BACKWARDS DOWN SOME STUPID TRAIL WAAAAAY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE<\/span>!!\u00a0 STOP IT NOW!!!\u00a0 GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE!!!\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/strong>YOU\u2019RE GONNA DIE!\u00a0 WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!<\/em><\/span><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

See what I mean?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>There was a LOT of yelling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>By someone.<\/span><\/p>\n

And creeping.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Or we could even use the word \u201csidling\u201d here.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because how many times in your life do you actually GET to use the word sidling?!?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Sidling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sidling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Did I spell that right?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sidling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Is it starting to sound weird to anyone else?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sidling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sidling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Does \u2018sidling\u2019 make anyone else think of \u2018foundling\u2019: a baby who doesn\u2019t have parents BECAUSE THEY FELL IN THE SCARY CANYON!!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Ok.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Pull back.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Deep breaths.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I was just simply noting that there is LOTS of sidling at the Scary Canyon.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Sidling along the OTHER side of the path; the side of the path FURTHEST away from the edge.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>With your head turned completely AWAY from viewing any possible milk and honey nonsense.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>And stay low.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Whatever you do, STAY LOW!!!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Bend yourself completely in half if you have to!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Duck walk.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Hold on to tall grasses and scrubby pines to anchor yourself as you inch along!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Whatever you gotta do because that incessant wind will most likely blow your light-as-a-feather a$$ right over the side if you don\u2019t <\/span>STAY LOW!!!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

To make matters worse, during my visit to the Scary Canyon, I had the GRANDEST zit on my chin.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It was sooo GRAND that Sonny kept saying, \u201cMom!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>What IS that on your chin??<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>EVERYONE\u2019S looking at it!!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Really?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>REALLY??!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Everyone here at SCARY CANYON was looking at my CHIN???<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Quite possibly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because that thing was HUGE.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It was almost like a second head, but slightly\u00a0smaller and redder, coming out of my chin.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>BOOM-boom-boom\u2026BOOM-boom-boom\u2026<\/span><\/em> [That was my panic.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Throbbing with every beat of my heart.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>In my chin.]<\/span><\/p>\n

So there you have it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Some friendly advice for when you go to the Scary Canyon.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Please leave the second-head-on-your-chin at home.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because it just attracts too much attention to all the sidling and yelling.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

In summation, it\u2019s best to view the Scary Canyon from the parking lot.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>A mile away.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>While lying flat on your belly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

But go if you can.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Because it\u2019s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It rocks!<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>hee hee hee.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>See what I did there?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>ROCKS?!?\u00a0 Boop boop-ee doop!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cGrand\u201d is a misnomer.\u00a0 \u201cGrand\u201d makes me think Flappers are standing on some rocky ledge doin\u2019 the Charleston while dapper fellas in jaunty hats stand behind them belting down drinks named \u201chighball\u201d and \u201csidecar.\u201d\u00a0 In general , everyone\u2019s havin\u2019 a GRAND time.\u00a0 Boop boop-ee doop! But that would be WRONG!\u00a0 Because when I was there […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3041"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3041"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3041\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3054,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3041\/revisions\/3054"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3041"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3041"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3041"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}