{"id":2892,"date":"2014-03-24T09:29:12","date_gmt":"2014-03-24T15:29:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2892"},"modified":"2014-03-24T09:29:12","modified_gmt":"2014-03-24T15:29:12","slug":"sling-blade","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2892","title":{"rendered":"Sling Blade"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ok\u2026despite all the completely off-my-rocker talk about the dog\u2019s three distinct voices\u00a0 yep, still sounds pretty wackadoodle with a capital WACK if I do saysomyself<\/em>\u00a0 I am<\/span>\u00a0mentally stable.\u00a0 To prove it, here’s what I\u00a0REALLY wanted to say about my dog: He\u2019s actually an intelligent, brown-eyed ape.\u00a0 Wrapped in dog fur.\u00a0 With the heart of a lily-livered chicken.\u00a0 Totally sane-sounding,\u00a0right?\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But enough about me.\u00a0 Back to the lily-livered chicken.\u00a0 If I\u2019m getting a jar of pickles out of the fridge?\u00a0 That\u2019s the dog\u2019s cue to creep under the kitchen table.<\/span><\/p>\n

Making some toast??\u00a0 He slowly creeps backwards into the family room like a dog in an afterschool special who\u2019s trying to avoid the kidnappers as they plot in the kitchen.<\/span><\/p>\n

If I\u2019m heading for the pantry?!? (Where we keep all the machines that go \u201cwhir\u201d and are therefore the most fearsome things on the planet.)\u00a0 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

And because I\u2019m the Meanest Mom Dog in the world?\u00a0 Sometimes I come shooting out of the pantry making whirring noises.\u00a0 Mwa-ha-ha!!!<\/em>\u00a0 But the joke\u2019s on me.\u00a0 Because that nonsense causes the dog\u00a0to pee\u00a0his pants.\u00a0 Hardy har har indeed. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The dog remains absolutely silent during these tribulations.\u00a0 Not a ruff or woof to be had.\u00a0 Because the dog only barks for exactly one reason: if there\u2019s a fox in the backyard. Or so I thought.\u00a0 Until the other morning.\u00a0 Duhn-duhn-duhnnnnn!\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The other morning, the dog was barking like a full-blown freakshow at something off-screen. \u00a0Initially I assumed it was a fox\u2026but then the dog continued to bark long after a fox would have jumped the fence and run off.\u00a0 This ongoing barking naturally meant that Billy Bob Thornton, under the guise of Karl Childers, had crept into our backyard and was lurking around the side of the garage, nattering on about how some folks call it a Kaiser blade\u2026some folks call it a sling blade\u2026I call it a Kaiser blade.\u00a0 Uh-HUH!<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So I \u2013 wearing the saggy, snow-flake-patterned longjohns I call pajamas \u2013 went out to see if I could offer him some biscuits and mustard.\u00a0 The rest of the family, playing the oddly incongruent role of \u201cthose meddling kids\u201d from the Mystery Machine, trailed out behind me.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I want to mention here is that the whole gang was fully clothed.\u00a0 But were stacked up behind ME who was wearing my unmentionables.\u00a0 So I was confused about why I<\/em> was leading the charge into the face of death.\u00a0 Now\u00a0admittedly, Karl Childers\u00a0isn\u2019t necessarily the face-of-death.\u00a0 Some might consider him more of a hero,\u00a0really.\u00a0\u00a0Unless that someone has\u00a0dun somthin\u2019 wrawng, thayt is.\u00a0 And I dun plenty wrawng \u2013 see Meanest Mom Dog above.\u00a0 But more importantly, why wasn\u2019t anyone who was wearing REAL clothes leading this charge?!\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hero.\u00a0 Murderer.\u00a0 No matter WHAT was around that corner,\u00a0if he was\u00a0wielding ANY PART of\u00a0a\u00a0lawn mower, my plan was\u00a0to outrun Rooby, Rooby Roo\u2019s sorry a$$.\u00a0\u00a0But the way everyone was underfoot had me concerned that I\u2019d trip over someone despite my best \u201crun faster than the slowest person there\u201d plan.\u00a0 In which case, I hoped\u00a0that Fred or Velma \u00a0(I\u2019M<\/em> Daphne, ya dope!) would have enough sense to change me into a cute outfit;\u00a0something way less\u2026droopy\u2026before they called the paramedics to tend the cut in my body parts.\u00a0 And fix my hair a lil’ bit.<\/span><\/p>\n

So with this in mind, I round the corner of the garage and\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

THERE HE IS!!!\u00a0 I KNEW IT!\u00a0 I KNEW IT!! <\/em>And he has the CRAZIEST grin on his face!!!\u00a0 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!\u00a0 RUNNNNN!<\/em>\u00a0 RUFF!\u00a0 RUFFFFFF!!!!<\/em>\u00a0 WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

Wait.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s just one of those yellow, smiley-faced helium balloons caught on the fence by the garage.\u00a0 Billy-Bobbing up and down and lookin\u2019 purty\u00a0happy with hisself while scaring the PEE out of me.<\/span><\/p>\n

No cause for alarm, folks-who-call-it-slingblades.\u00a0 Whoopsie.\u00a0 Tee-hee-hee. [insert embarrassed laughter here]\u00a0 Don\u2019t I feel foolish?!?\u00a0 And was that ME barking??\u00a0 Weird.\u00a0 But now I know how the dog feels.\u00a0 Geesh, that was HORRIBLE.\u00a0 AND I gotta go change my jammi pants.\u00a0 Into something less\u2026wet.\u00a0 Yep, hardy har har indeed.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ok\u2026despite all the completely off-my-rocker talk about the dog\u2019s three distinct voices\u00a0 yep, still sounds pretty wackadoodle with a capital WACK if I do saysomyself\u00a0 I am\u00a0mentally stable.\u00a0 To prove it, here’s what I\u00a0REALLY wanted to say about my dog: He\u2019s actually an intelligent, brown-eyed ape.\u00a0 Wrapped in dog fur.\u00a0 With the heart of a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2892"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2892"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2892\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2913,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2892\/revisions\/2913"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2892"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2892"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2892"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}