{"id":2853,"date":"2014-03-18T12:23:56","date_gmt":"2014-03-18T18:23:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2853"},"modified":"2014-03-18T12:23:56","modified_gmt":"2014-03-18T18:23:56","slug":"skiing-hatred-unvailed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2853","title":{"rendered":"Skiing: Hatred UnVAILed"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cI don’t usually look over the edge because it scares THE JUICE\u00a0outta\u00a0me!<\/em><\/strong>\u201d \u2013 My Son, this past week-end\u00a0in Vail, Colorado.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Yeah.\u00a0 What HE said.\u00a0 And as I ponder his\u00a0statement, I realize two things: 1) I don\u2019t windburn \u201ccute\u201d and 2) I HATE SKIING! \u00a0Thanks fer nothin\u2019, Vail*.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now – I\u00a0realize them’s fightin werds – especially here in the\u00a0Rocky Mountain State.\u00a0 But I can no longer live a lie.\u00a0 Not after this week-end’s\u00a0ski trip to Vail.\u00a0 Because Vail, with its clusterbomb of Green Circle ski runs, made up my mind about something I’d been on-the-border of detesting anyway.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

This loathing\u00a0goes\u00a0beyond the usual annoyances of frozen\u00a0fingers, cramped calf muscles and hobbled dashes to the bathroom wearing\u00a0skiboots and snowpants.\u00a0\u00a0It even goes\u00a0beyond the\u00a0twenty HOURS of prep work for every ten MINUTES of time spent on the mountain actually skiing.\u00a0 Although that IS the worst ratio\u00a0on the planet, no?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

My total abhorrence results from the\u00a0whole process of\u00a0just trying to GET to the skiing.\u00a0 Because Vail has conveniently placed its\u00a0slow boat Green Circle ski runs\u00a0in a\u00a0\u201cbowl\u201d at the TOP\u00a0of the mountain.\u00a0 Brilliant!<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I mean, other than having a sick sense of humor, why would Vail Mountain Authorities\u00a0make the least proficient skiers\u00a0in the world (me!) take SEVERAL\u00a0chair lifts just to get TO the skiing??\u00a0 All while making these same\u00a0poor saps\u00a0(me!) cross\u00a0death-defying Blue Square ski trails in the process?!\u00a0\u00a0(WARNING:\u00a0 You are now crossing a really steep, bowel-loosening, mogul ski trail.\u00a0 Look UP before crossing!\u00a0 Or the REAL skiers on this trail\u00a0will totally TAKE YOU OUT!\u00a0 Ski faster, Varmint!\u00a0 I wanna see yew\u00a0ski!!! ping, ping<\/em>).\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

After all that drama?\u00a0 You’re still not there yet.\u00a0 You\u00a0still have to go down, down, down something called the\u00a0\u201cGame Trail\u201d\u00a0to\u00a0get into the mythical bowl for Dumb-Dumb Skiers.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>THAT IS TOTAL\u00a0B.S.!!!\u00a0\u00a0I will frickin’ CUT YOU\u00a0if I ever get ahold of you, Vail Mountain Authorities.<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This\u00a0Game Trail is a true gauntlet in every sense of the word.\u00a0\u00a0Iroquois are on one side, beating you bloody with war clubs.\u00a0 But that’s not the worst part.\u00a0 On the OTHER side of the Game Trail\u00a0is a total plummet-to-your-death-just-waiting-to-happen.\u00a0 There is absolutely NOTHING between you and the Other Side of the Mountain.\u00a0 Not even\u00a0that measly Police Line\u00a0Do Not Cross tape.\u00a0\u00a0They may as well post a huge sign written-in-blood at\u00a0the beginning of the Game Trail: ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!\u00a0 \u2018Cause you just KNOW that come Spring Thaw, down at the bottom of that death-drop,\u00a0they find all the Green Circle skiers who went missing.\u00a0 They’ve\u00a0been turned into\u00a0a bunch of\u00a0skeletons,\u00a0clackin’ their teeth and clutching gold doubloons in their bony hands.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And while I’m contemplating what my teeth would look like devoid of…MY FACE!…the panic that’s been lurking\u00a0ROARS!<\/em> into life.\u00a0 And that “juice” referenced in the quote at the beginning of the blog?\u00a0 It gets\u00a0scared right out of me.\u00a0 Juice Squirters activated and fully engaged, Captain!\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0I’m squirting\u00a0juice\u00a0EVERYWHERE and\u00a0trailing huge PLUMES of it behind me\u00a0as I head into the gauntlet.\u00a0 Hey!\u00a0 Does anyone else have those black dots dancing in front of their eyes?\u00a0 No??\u00a0 How about breathing?!?\u00a0 Is anyone else finding it hard to breathe???\u00a0 ‘Cause\u00a0my\u00a0<\/em>heart\u00a0is in my throat, beating double-time against my balaclava and I think it’s cutting off my air-supply!!\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Oh!\u00a0 And by the way…where\u2019s the fresh pow-pow everyone\u2019s raving\u00a0about??\u00a0 Because it sure as SH** ain\u2019t here!\u00a0 Because HERE?\u00a0\u00a0On the Game Trail??\u00a0\u00a0There\u2019s nothing but crusty ICE, ya mo-fos!\u00a0 This SUCKS!\u00a0 This SUCKS the most SUCKINESS from SUCK TOWN that has ever SUCKED!!!!!\u00a0 SUCK times SUCK equals SUCK SQUARED!\u00a0\u00a0Screw\u00a0SUCK SQUARED!!\u00a0\u00a0It’s SUCK TIMES\u00a0INFINITY…<\/span>PLUS ONE!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

When I\u00a0finally shoot out the end of the Game Trail and enter the bowl, I’m\u00a0greeted by\u00a0a zero-visibility blizzard.\u00a0 Awww…mystery solved.\u00a0 HERE’S the fresh pow-pow!\u00a0 IN YO’\u00a0FACE!!<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I<\/span>n this fun little play called SKIING SUCKS AND I HATE IT!<\/em> the lead actress knows\u00a0that\u00a0– unless\u00a0she’s\u00a0willing to live the rest of her\u00a0life\u00a0there\u00a0in that bowl\u00a0(she considered it,\u00a0she really, really considered it; but then discarded the notion) – she needs to catch one more lift to the top.\u00a0 And SKI\u00a0out.\u00a0\u00a0Ha ha ha!\u00a0 That is sooo flippin’ funny I almost forgot to laugh.\u00a0 And that part about FINALLY\u00a0getting to ski…but\u00a0not wanting to anymore?!?\u00a0 What a GAS!<\/em>\u00a0 If that\u2019s not a cosmic kick in the snowpants, I don\u2019t know what is.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

So,\u00a0in what I\u2019ve come to think of as my LEAST proud motherhood moment, I adopt an \u201cevery man for himself\u201d attitude and\u00a0completely ignore the\u00a0fallen bodies of my children, as first one, then the other, bite dust\u00a0behind me.\u00a0\u00a0I leave them there\u00a0good luck and God bless, you’re my greatest triumph! <\/em>as I head for that final lift, barely hanging on to my sanity.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am a terrible\u00a0mother.\u00a0 Just awful.\u00a0\u00a0But I did wait for them to join me (in all their\u00a0bawling, snot-nosed glory)\u00a0before boarding the final chopper out of Saigon.\u00a0 So there is that.<\/span><\/p>\n

When we\u00a0finally\u00a0disembark,\u00a0we’re at the top of the Eagle’s Nest Green Circle ski run.\u00a0 It seems like it’s\u00a0taken\u00a0our entire lives to get there.\u00a0 We’re all exhausted.\u00a0\u00a0And in about one more second, we will become\u00a0separated again\u00a0because Terrible Mother has caused the earth to turn on its axis, thereby triggering\u00a0Marine OPPOSITE\u00a0Day where\u00a0EVERY man will be left behind.\u00a0 So\u00a0I\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span>instruct the kids to remember: no matter what happens,\u00a0follow EAGLE’S NEST GREEN CIRCLE!\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/em>And in some bizarre rallying cry, I then\u00a0<\/span>shout my long-ago birthing mantra at them. \u00a0\u201cThere\u2019s no way out but THROUGH!\u201d\u00a0 I hope it’s\u00a0helping them.\u00a0 ‘Cause it’s not really\u00a0helping ME, that\u2019s for d^^m sure!\u00a0<\/em> But again, for good measure, \u201cTHERE’S NO WAY OUT BUT THROUGH!\u201d\u00a0 hee-hee, hoo-hoo, hee-hee, hoo-hoo<\/em> \u00a0[Yes.\u00a0 That\u00a0was Lamaze breathing.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Did you think that was insane laughter??\u00a0 ‘Cause it wasn’t.\u00a0 Don’t be a hater just because YOU’RE\u00a0not into that new age crap intended to stave off panic and pain.]<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Then I\u00a0switch\u00a0my Juice Phasers\u00a0from \u201cStun\u201d to \u201cOVERLOAD!\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And\u00a0take off down the mountain.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Yep. \u00a0Hate skiing. \u00a0Thanks, Vail*.<\/span><\/p>\n

*Now don\u2019t get me wrong: Vail is an incredibly beautiful place.\u00a0 It’s loaded with\u00a0gorgeous Alpine architecture.\u00a0\u00a0The locals are incredibly friendly AND\u00a0they love dogs, specifically our dog (ding, ding, ding, bonus points!<\/em>).\u00a0 Admittedly, the town is a bit top-heavy with fur stores.\u00a0 And artisan jewelry shops.\u00a0 But they just got theirselves an UGG store.\u00a0 So that breaks up the monotony a bit.\u00a0 In summation, Vail is\u00a0a really\u00a0lovely town peopled with lovely people and stored with lovely stores.\u00a0 But some A$$HOLE\u00a0designed their Green Circle ski runs.\u00a0 So peace out!\u00a0 Thank you and goodnight!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI don’t usually look over the edge because it scares THE JUICE\u00a0outta\u00a0me!\u201d \u2013 My Son, this past week-end\u00a0in Vail, Colorado. Yeah.\u00a0 What HE said.\u00a0 And as I ponder his\u00a0statement, I realize two things: 1) I don\u2019t windburn \u201ccute\u201d and 2) I HATE SKIING! \u00a0Thanks fer nothin\u2019, Vail*. Now – I\u00a0realize them’s fightin werds – especially […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2853"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2853"}],"version-history":[{"count":37,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2853\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2890,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2853\/revisions\/2890"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2853"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2853"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2853"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}