{"id":2792,"date":"2014-03-11T10:12:53","date_gmt":"2014-03-11T16:12:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2792"},"modified":"2014-03-11T10:12:53","modified_gmt":"2014-03-11T16:12:53","slug":"field-trippin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2792","title":{"rendered":"Field Trippin’"},"content":{"rendered":"

Field trips are a unique piece of performance art.\u00a0 Or as I fondly call them:\u00a0Freak Shows.\u00a0 Seriously, kids-on-field-trips give the exact appearance of people who have\u00a0completely lost their everlovin\u2019 marbles.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The whole thing starts with an email to me from my son’s\u00a0fourth grade teacher, \u201cWe’d love to have you join us for our upcoming fieldtrip blah blah blah.\u201d\u00a0 [In general, she makes it sound like being chosen to chaperone a field trip is my reward for a lifetime of good works.\u00a0 But I know different.\u00a0 WAY different.\u00a0 I don’t do good works.\u00a0 So this ain’t no reward.]<\/span><\/p>\n

I in turn respond with a complete and total lie, “I’d love to join you for the field trip.\u201d\u00a0 And\u00a0then set my mental-health\u00a0boundaries with, \u201cI will be assigned a group of mild-mannered girls, correct? \u00a0Ha, ha. \u00a0Kidding.\u00a0 (Kind of.)\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When I arrive at school the day of the field trip, I note that my group does actually consist of four, fairly calm girls.\u00a0 And two complete wackadoodles, also known as boys – one of which is my son.\u00a0 And here I\u2019d been secretly hoping he\u2019d be in the teacher\u2019s group and I could just wave to him from afar.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Speaking of the teacher\u2019s group\u2026you know what else I noted?\u00a0 That she only had FOUR kids in her group!\u00a0 What the WHAT?!\u00a0 Rude.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, since I had a bunch of squirmy bodies to keep track of before, during and after our bus trip\u00a0to the State Capitol, I suggested to same that we come up with a group name.\u00a0 I envisioned that I would have to quickly get their attention\u00a0when the building security guards started wrasslin\u2019 outliers\u00a0to the ground for\u00a0body cavity searches.\u00a0 At which point\u00a0I could\u00a0call their group name and they\u2019d all stand at attention, counting\u00a0off like good recruits.\u00a0 I was thinking of something\u00a0snappy and quick.\u00a0 I was thinking school mascot.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>I was thinking \u201cLions.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead, they came up with\u00a0Neon Pegasus Tortoise Fairy Rainbows.<\/span><\/p>\n

Oy. \u00a0[rolling eyes Heavenwards] <\/span><\/p>\n

We went on to spend a fun day learning about Cyber Bullying (a bill being discussed in the House, complete with “sexual orientation\u00a0non-conformity” descriptions.\u00a0 Cool.)\u00a0and taxi cab service in Greeley, CO (a bill under consideration in the Senate) as\u00a0the kids tried to see how many of their arms and legs they could force\u00a0through the Plexiglas partitions\u00a0in the Visitors\u2019 Gallery;\u00a0All while making as much noise as they could possibly make\u00a0without really making any noise.\u00a0 (Cough, cough, shuffle, whisper, whisper, rustle, rustle.\u00a0 Shhhh!<\/em>\u00a0 Pinch.\u00a0 Poke.\u00a0 Sigh.\u00a0\u00a0Giggle.\u00a0 SHHHHHHHHHHHH!<\/em>)\u00a0 The highlight of the Visitors\u2019 Gallery experience for me was explaining to the kids what all those shiny metal compartments were in the armrest of EVERY seat.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019re ashtrays.\u00a0 People used to be able to smoke everywhere, including public buildings.\u00a0 And those trays held the cigarette ashes.\u201d\u00a0 Judging by the shocked (yet intrigued) reaction I got, you would have thought I said, \u201cThat\u2019s where they used to stuff the dead bodies back when mayhem ruled and you could kill people in public buildings.\u00a0 Yep, those trays held the bodies.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m happy to mention\u00a0that I did come away from the day with body and mind (mostly)\u00a0intact.\u00a0 Although there was that one dicey moment as we were boarding the bus when someone was twirling around and ran into someone else\u2019s nose, thereby starting a bloody gusher\u00a0of massive proportions.\u00a0 This then necessitated that\u00a0ALL the teachers RUN, with full-blown BOXES of Kleenex, to the scene of the crime.\u00a0 At which point I surreptitiously looked left.\u00a0 Then\u00a0right.\u00a0 Uh-huh,\u00a0I was completely alone on the bus with forty inmates and no working taser.\u00a0 But it was fine\u00a0because – having\u00a0been informed earlier\u00a0in the day by one of the <\/span>Neon Pegasus Tortoise Fairy Rainbows\u00a0that the toilet on the bus actually dumped its contents into the STREET – the entire cast of Nut Jobs Go To The City\u00a0<\/span>was\u00a0clustered around\u00a0the\u00a0bathroom trying to prove the point through incessant flushing.<\/span><\/p>\n

The bright spot in all this? The teacher and I are homey’s now.\u00a0\u00a0She gave me her\u00a0personal cell phone number.\u00a0\u00a0After she told me not to give it to any of the kids (?!) and to only use it in an emergency. <\/span><\/p>\n

QUICK, Home Girl! \u00a0It’s an emergency!!\u00a0 The freak show\u00a0is over and we gotta go drinkin’!\u00a0\u00a0STAT!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Field trips are a unique piece of performance art.\u00a0 Or as I fondly call them:\u00a0Freak Shows.\u00a0 Seriously, kids-on-field-trips give the exact appearance of people who have\u00a0completely lost their everlovin\u2019 marbles.\u00a0 \u00a0 The whole thing starts with an email to me from my son’s\u00a0fourth grade teacher, \u201cWe’d love to have you join us for our upcoming […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2792"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2792"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2792\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2810,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2792\/revisions\/2810"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2792"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2792"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2792"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}