{"id":2661,"date":"2014-02-19T07:56:20","date_gmt":"2014-02-19T14:56:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2661"},"modified":"2014-02-19T07:56:20","modified_gmt":"2014-02-19T14:56:20","slug":"zombies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2661","title":{"rendered":"Zombies"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hey!\u00a0 Speaking of zombies….you know who has a love\/hate relationship with\u00a0them?!?\u00a0 My son.\u00a0 He hates them.\u00a0 Hates everything about them.\u00a0 But is also secretly titillated by them.\u00a0 And for their part, they love to POP!<\/em> into his head at the most inopportune times.\u00a0 POP!<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The other day he was relating to me a dream he had.\u00a0 In the dream we were at the airport.\u00a0 Trying to create a trap for the zombies.\u00a0 Side note: I don\u2019t think the zombies are going to fly into Denver to take over.\u00a0 This\u00a0approach would draw too much\u00a0negative attention.\u00a0 Instead, I think they\u2019d probably just shamble over the mountains from California, because – as we all know – California is the epicenter of zombies.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t mention this to Sonny because it was his dream.\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 And also?\u00a0 Zombies don\u2019t exist.<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We had to blow them all up at the airport before they made their way out of the terminal.\u00a0 So we were creating a trap for the blowing up portion of the dream.\u00a0 Sissy is cheerfully shouting off-screen, \u201cHang on!\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna work!\u00a0 Just hang on!!\u201d while first one zombie, then another, got ahold of Sonny\u2019s feet and were gnawing big, bloody holes in them.\u00a0 Nummy, num, num.\u00a0 <\/em>So now Sonny is screaming that he REALLY NEEDS HELP, which prompts Sissy to haul him up to the top of a super-tall car that I\u2019m driving.\u00a0 Phew!\u00a0 Glad I brought my super-tall car to the airport to pick everyone up!<\/em>\u00a0 Eventually we\u2019re successful blah, blah, blah.\u00a0 It just descends into impressions of good vs. bad as dreams do.<\/span><\/p>\n

The point here is that this kid is really scared about zombies.\u00a0 He’s even\u00a0turning run-of-the-mill growing pains into bloody zombie bites in his dreams.\u00a0 It’s at this point we always cheerfully remind him that\u00a0zombies are nothing to worry about.\u00a0 The trick is to\u00a0run faster than the person you\u2019re with when the zombies come.\u00a0 Because they always CATCH!<\/em> the slowest person*.\u00a0 Ha ha ha.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t we funny parents?!<\/em>\u00a0 Then we advise him not to look behind him but to come closer to us.\u00a0 Whereupon we pull him into a hug while pretending we\u2019re fending off zombies from behind him.\u00a0 Ha ha ha.\u00a0 Still funny!<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So.\u00a0 Where\u2019s all this leading?\u00a0 We left him home by himself post-zombie-dream\u00a0while Hubby and I went to Sissy\u2019s back-to-back basketball games.\u00a0 Sonny insisted he was old enough to do this and that he wouldn\u2019t cook anything and wouldn\u2019t play with fire (his eyes lit up at the mention of playing with fire, like he didn\u2019t know that was an option but\u00a0was glad we\u00a0brought it up). <\/span><\/p>\n

But almost as soon as we get to the first game, Sonny starts calling Hubby\u2019s phone because he heard something in the garage.\u00a0 \u201cReally, Sonny.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure there\u2019s nothing in the garage.\u00a0 The dog will scratch on the door if there are zombies in the garage.\u00a0 What\u2019s the dog doing now?\u00a0 Really?!?\u00a0 Scratching on the door??\u00a0 That\u2019s weird.\u00a0 But why would the zombies come NOW?\u00a0 Do you think they were watching the house?\u00a0 And waiting until we left you\u2026ALONE<\/em>?!?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

By now the kid is sh**ing his pants and we\u2019re clearly the funniest parents in the world, so Hubby assures Sonny that no, no, there aren\u2019t any zombies.\u00a0 And they aren\u2019t in our garage.\u00a0 The dog probably just smells a chicken carcass we threw out the other day and that\u2019s why he\u2019s scratching at the door.\u00a0 But to be on the safe side, lock all the doors and close the blinds.\u00a0 And?\u00a0 STILL funny.\u00a0<\/em> <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Shortly after, I follow up with a text to make sure Sonny is ok, \u201cR U ok??\u00a0 R the garage zombies in the house yet??\u00a0 Ha ha.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

See?\u00a0 Funny, right?!?\u00a0 What\u2019s not to love\u2026hate\u2026love about zombies?!?\u00a0 They’re sooooo funny.\u00a0 UntiltheyCATCH<\/em>ya!\u00a0 Run!\u00a0 RUN!!!<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

*This\u00a0methodology of “running faster than the person you’re\u00a0with” also holds true when faced with a rabid groundhog.\u00a0 Right Li’l Sis?\u00a0 Part B of these instructions might read: Avoid throwing dirt clods at insentient creatures.\u00a0\u00a0They are already really, really angry and dirt thrown at\u00a0high-velocities\u00a0towards them just brings the anger out.\u00a0\u00a0Run!!\u00a0 RUN!!!\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hey!\u00a0 Speaking of zombies….you know who has a love\/hate relationship with\u00a0them?!?\u00a0 My son.\u00a0 He hates them.\u00a0 Hates everything about them.\u00a0 But is also secretly titillated by them.\u00a0 And for their part, they love to POP! into his head at the most inopportune times.\u00a0 POP!\u00a0 The other day he was relating to me a dream he […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2661"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2661"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2661\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2675,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2661\/revisions\/2675"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}