{"id":2620,"date":"2014-02-12T15:21:25","date_gmt":"2014-02-12T22:21:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2620"},"modified":"2014-02-12T15:21:25","modified_gmt":"2014-02-12T22:21:25","slug":"curling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2620","title":{"rendered":"Curling"},"content":{"rendered":"

***Disclaimer \u2013 I have the utmost respect for athletes, particularly Olympic athletes.\u00a0 So if you\u2019re in the Olympics, you rock.\u00a0 No if, ands, or buts about it.\u00a0 I have never been, nor will ever be, in the Olympics.\u00a0 (Unless they create a Crochet category, which I highly doubt they will.\u00a0 And for the record \u2013 no, I did NOT crochet those sweaters the U.S. Team wore which made them all look like they were\u00a0going to a bad sweater party.\u00a0 Because I don\u2019t cry cute and I don\u2019t crochet tacky.)\u00a0 So, Olympic Athletes In Any Sport…go on wit’ yer bad selves!\u00a0 The world recognizes your incredible God-given talent, not to mention your dedication to\u00a0your sport-of-choice.\u00a0 No matter what your sport, you do not deserve mockery.\u00a0 And this blog is by no means mockery.\u00a0 It\u2019s just an insightful deconstruction of a totally inscrutable sport.\u00a0 I should know.\u00a0 I watched it for an hour yesterday.\u00a0 And so ends the disclaimer.***<\/span><\/p>\n

Is it just me or does it seem like all the curlers you know originally wanted to be something else?\u00a0 Their parents committed them to the Ministry of Sports for the\u00a0lifelong junior figure skating track, for example.\u00a0 Until there was an injury.\u00a0 At which point they became a curler.<\/span><\/p>\n

But once you\u2019ve made the big decision to become a curler, you have to get an outfit.\u00a0 What to wear, what to wear?\u00a0 \u00a0Find a bowling shirt.\u00a0 And maybe a matching jacket to go over top.\u00a0 ‘Cause it gets cold where you’re going.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

What will be harder about the outfit is finding the shoes.\u00a0 You\u2019ll need a pair of shoes, of course, but only one shoe in the pair should\u00a0be a Heelys.\u00a0 (Heelys are those shoes with a little roller skate\u00a0that POPS!<\/em> out when you call to it with your mind.\u00a0 But maybe in the case of curling, it’s actually\u00a0a\u00a0teeny tiny ice skate\u00a0rather than a wheel?\u00a0 This is unknown.)\u00a0 You need to look like you’re gliiiiiding<\/em> down the ice with your big rock-with-a-handle while maintaining some\u00a0semblance of control.\u00a0 TWO shoes-with-hidden-skates\u00a0might make you look totally\u00a0cartoon-y as\u00a0your feet skitter every which way\u00a0before you\u00a0bite dust…er…ice.\u00a0 So that’s why just ONE shoe-with-hidden-skates is recommended.\u00a0\u00a0Nordstrom\u2019s sells all sorts of mismatched shoes.\u00a0 So they might be a good bet.\u00a0 Check there first.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Then, you learn the international language of curling and use it only when channeling your inner Cinderella\u2019s Stepmother:\u00a0 SWEEP!\u00a0 HARD!!<\/em>\u00a0 SWEEP HARD, B**CHES!!!\u00a0 Kidding.\u00a0 Totally kidding about the b**ches part.\u00a0 Hubby & I spent an hour watching women\u2019s curling and we never heard anyone yell THAT.\u00a0 But that would have been fun.\u00a0 Right, B**ches?!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Be sure to wear your exhausting nights of hard partying and strategy discussion on your face like a university student with a too-full course load, or a mother-of-newborn-twins.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

No less important is learning the scoring system.\u00a0 Because what seems like a move that would earn points in the rest of the sports kingdom does not earn points in curling.\u00a0 What\u2019s particularly useful in this instance is to understand the physics of rowdy home crowds and how their shouting and body heat (I shudder to think of it) can possibly melt the ice of your shuffleboard.\u00a0 Be prepared for contingencies of this nature.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also?\u00a0 Look askance at every joke about \u201cgetting stoned\u201d or \u201cwritten in stone.\u201d\u00a0 Heh-heh-heh.<\/em>\u00a0 But consider buying a bumper sticker that says, \u201cCurl up and die.\u201d\u00a0 Copyright NSAHM 2014 (if that hasn\u2019t been copyrighted before, of course.)<\/span><\/p>\n

As a next-to-last\u00a0step, get sponsors.\u00a0 My suggestion would be Swiffer Sweepers and Heelys.\u00a0 And possibly Nordstrom\u2019s. <\/span><\/p>\n

Final\u00a0stop?\u00a0 Sochi!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

***Disclaimer \u2013 I have the utmost respect for athletes, particularly Olympic athletes.\u00a0 So if you\u2019re in the Olympics, you rock.\u00a0 No if, ands, or buts about it.\u00a0 I have never been, nor will ever be, in the Olympics.\u00a0 (Unless they create a Crochet category, which I highly doubt they will.\u00a0 And for the record \u2013 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2620"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2620"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2620\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2630,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2620\/revisions\/2630"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2620"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2620"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2620"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}