{"id":2340,"date":"2013-12-20T15:45:09","date_gmt":"2013-12-20T22:45:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2340"},"modified":"2013-12-20T15:45:09","modified_gmt":"2013-12-20T22:45:09","slug":"shelf-elf","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2340","title":{"rendered":"Shelf Elf"},"content":{"rendered":"

Do you know about this scam?\u00a0 This Christmas Scam where a weird elf dressed in red, with a startlingly cheery smile plastered on his plastic face shows up at your house on December 1<\/span>st<\/span><\/sup>.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Helllllooooo!\u00a0 <\/em>[That was a creepy hello.\u00a0 Said the same way the Shelf Elf would say it – in a high-pitched Creep Factor 100 voice.\u00a0 It was NOT a \u2018whoop, whoop, let\u2019s get the party started\u2019 hello.\u00a0 \u2018Cause it ain\u2019t no party when the Shelf Elf comes to roost.\u00a0 No party a\u2019tall.\u00a0 For ME at least.]\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The first time he shows up (with an expensive book in tow), the kids in the house get to name him.\u00a0 Ours is named Roberto.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ask.\u00a0 Don\u2019t EVEN ask.\u00a0 It\u2019s my theory that they actually meant to name him Sebastian (\u2018cause that\u2019s a BETTER name for an elf than Roberto?!?). <\/span><\/p>\n

But once Roberto shows up for the season, you then have to spend the next 24 days watching him squirrel around the house.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Surprise!\u00a0 Now he\u2019s sitting on the mantel in the family room.\u00a0 Where he can see the WHOLE family.\u00a0 All at once.\u00a0 And keep an EYE on EVERYONE.\u00a0 And in fact FOLLOW you with his eyes as you move around the room.\u00a0 Hellllloooooo.<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Surprise!\u00a0 Now he\u2019s in the Christmas tree, hidden amongst the ornaments.\u00a0 Oh, that Roberto!\u00a0 Isn\u2019t he a gas?!<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Surprise!!\u00a0 Now he\u2019s lying on your pillow, staring at you when you wake up.\u00a0 And sucking your soul out of your mouth.\u00a0 Hellllloooooo.<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, how much FUN we have figuring out where he\u2019s going to be tomorrow!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

And when I say \u2018fun\u2019 I mean it in a terrible burden, drag-your-spirits-down-into-your-winter-boots sort of way.\u00a0 In which you constantly have to have the Shelf Elf\u2019s next move in the back of your mind.\u00a0 Every Day.\u00a0 For TWENTY-FOUR DAYS.\u00a0\u00a0And then you wake up in a panic at 3 a.m. because for ONE SECOND the Shelf Elf slipped your mind and you forgot to move him to his next location before you went to bed.\u00a0 And if he doesn\u2019t show up in another impossible place come morning (hanging from the chandelier in the front hall?\u00a0 Roberto!\u00a0 How did you get up there, you rapscallion?!?<\/em>), the kids will be crushed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also?\u00a0 This ding-a-ling has extra CLOTHES you can now purchase for an exorbitant price.\u00a0 Will he be making cookies today while the kids are at school?!\u00a0 Then he should be wearing the Shelf Elf chef\u2019s hat and matching apron and have his adorable wooden rolling-pin in hand when they come home.\u00a0 With a darling little smudge of flour on his cheek.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jackass!!!!\u00a0 You frickin\u2019 JACKASS SHELF ELF!!!!!\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And really?\u00a0 REALLY??\u00a0 If your kids can\u2019t put two-and-two together\u2026hmmm, Mom AND Shelf Elf were home alone ALL DAY today, and Shelf Elf changed his clothes and MADE COOKIES, and Mom was none the wiser?!??<\/em>…and come up with Shelf-Elf-is-a-lie, then you should send them to live in a shoddily constructed house in the backyard.<\/span><\/p>\n

Better yet, YOU should go live out back.\u00a0 As punishment for making it really, REALLY hard for the rest of us to get through the Christmas season with our sanity intact.<\/span><\/p>\n

And whatever you do?\u00a0 Don\u2019t TOUCH the Shelf Elf!\u00a0 My mother \u2013 who didn\u2019t know the Shelf Elf rules \u2013 turned him around one time in front of the kids.\u00a0 Based on all of the weeping and wailing that ensued, you would have thought she told them to line up for dismemberment and to choose which hand or foot they wanted lopped off.<\/span><\/p>\n

But in her defense, she just wanted to stop seeing his smarmy smile and haunted house eyes following her around the room already.<\/span><\/p>\n

But a word to the wise.\u00a0 If you TOUCH the Shelf Elf, all of his magic runs out.\u00a0 And he can\u2019t get back to Santa by Christmas Eve to report on your sucky, sucky<\/span> behavior during the season.\u00a0 So DON\u2019T TOUCH THE *^%# SHELF ELF.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yes.\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m on to something here.\u00a0 Actually LEAVE the Elf on the shelf.\u00a0 Step away from the ELF!!!\u00a0 Let him grow old and wizened.\u00a0 With a long, white beard.\u00a0 Buy THAT outfit for whatever they\u2019re charging, no matter the cost.\u00a0 Oh, look kids.\u00a0 Shelf Elf has grown too old to go on.\u00a0 We should KICK HIS A$$ TO THE CURB AND SAY \u201cGOOD RIDDANCE!\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Who\u2019s with me?!\u00a0 Mothers Against Shelf Elves\u2026Unite!!!\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, please click the link to the right\u00a0to purchase your old-and-wizened Shelf Elf costume.\u00a0 Checks can be made payable to me and every costume\u00a0comes with a long white, elf-sized beard and arrives before Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you know about this scam?\u00a0 This Christmas Scam where a weird elf dressed in red, with a startlingly cheery smile plastered on his plastic face shows up at your house on December 1st.\u00a0 Helllllooooo!\u00a0 [That was a creepy hello.\u00a0 Said the same way the Shelf Elf would say it – in a high-pitched Creep […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2340"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2340"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2340\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2348,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2340\/revisions\/2348"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2340"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2340"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2340"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}