{"id":2095,"date":"2013-10-25T14:03:08","date_gmt":"2013-10-25T20:03:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2095"},"modified":"2013-10-25T14:03:08","modified_gmt":"2013-10-25T20:03:08","slug":"graphing-mammos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2095","title":{"rendered":"Graphing Mammos"},"content":{"rendered":"

You know what today is?\u00a0 National Mammography Day!\u00a0 Well, actually, nope.\u00a0 That was LAST Friday.\u00a0 (It\u2019s always the 3rd<\/sup> Friday in October, doncha know?)\u00a0 Today was PERSONAL Mammography Day.\u00a0 For me.<\/p>\n

Why is\u00a0it always sooooo hushed when you walk into the Mammography\u00a0Center?\u00a0 Is it because we all know what we\u2019re there for?\u00a0 Everything has\u00a0already been said…so now, no one needs to say\u00a0ANYTHING??<\/p>\n

Not wanting to disturb the peace,\u00a0I just sidle in and give the front desk my name, whereupon they\u00a0hand me my paperwork. \u00a0Which I review, only to find they have me down for 23 live births.<\/p>\n

Uhm…no thank you?<\/em><\/p>\n

But since there\u2019s no talking, I just cross it out and put the correct number down and find myself thinking that perhaps someone needs to tell the man-to-my-left-on-the-phone that there\u2019s no talking.\u00a0 The one man in the whole waiting room, God bless him, and even though he\u2019s\u00a0hiding his mouth behind his hand,\u00a0we can still hear him.\u00a0 Because\u2026no one else is talking.\u00a0 But him.\u00a0 Talking.<\/p>\n

And to my right?\u00a0 They\u2019re churning through the check-in process pretty quickly,\u00a0with Chair # 2 gettin\u2019 a good deal of biz.<\/p>\n

Eventually they call my name. \u00a0Winner, winner, chicken dinner – Chair #2! \u00a0 \u00a0And I sit in my prison-visiting-hours-window and explain to the in-take counselor that \u201csomeone\u201d spilled coffee on my mammography paperwork yesterday, but here it is anyway.\u00a0 We have ourselves a chuckle about that AND the 23 kids.\u00a0 (Nope.\u00a0 Just 2.\u00a0 But it DOES seems like 23 sometimes, heh-heh-heh<\/em>.)<\/p>\n

All is in order, and my in-take counselor invites me to go through \u201cthe double doors”\u00a0at the end of the hall where all the magic happens.\u00a0 (She says “double doors”\u00a0like it’s a\u00a0totally inappropriate euphemism for\u00a0Double-D’s, but that might just be my interpretation.)\u00a0\u00a0Shelly\u2019s waiting for me on the other side and POPS OUT to ask if I\u2019m wearing deodorant.\u00a0 \u201cWell, hello to you too, Shelly.\u00a0 And No, no I don’t have deodorant on and I’m startin\u2019 to skunk up the joint so let’s get this party started.\u201d<\/p>\n

‘Gettin the party started’ entails me going into a voting-booth-with-a-door to dress for success,\u00a0after which I join the rest of my\u00a0waiting room sisters to form a Star Trek commune-from-the-future whose directive is\u00a0to re-populate the world wearing totally normal clothes from the waist-down and the neck up, bifurcated\u00a0by a pink, waist-length\u00a0hospital gown (open in the front, please!).<\/p>\n

In this get-up, I don\u2019t think anyone\u2019s gonna take us up on our \u201cplanet is dying and we need to make a new race of people\u201d offer\u00a0because we all look like we’ve got Super Droopy Syndrome going on.\u00a0 I’m one of those with a moderate-to-severe case o’ the droops, so I’m not commenting here\u00a0– other than to say that having 23 kids takes its toll on your body!<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s soooo quiet in HERE too, as we all glide about performing our commune duties in total silence.\u00a0 My duty is to make coffee for myself.\u00a0 French Vanilla!\u00a0 Num, num, num.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll stay ALLLLL day and drink my way even as the water trickles endlessly somewhere and the fish swim round and round in the big tank.\u00a0 The music is on so low that I can barely hear it.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s just a memory of the music of Quincy Jones from before I joined the\u00a0commune?\u00a0 Love her, love her, love her, one hundred ways, yeah.\u00a0 You better love her today.\u00a0 Find one hundred ways\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Catherine finally comes for me\u00a0and as I dutifully follow –\u00a0wearing jeans tucked into jaunty two-tone riding boots, a\u00a0pink shortie-kimono (size double-wide and extra-droopy, thankyouverymuch) topped off with a cute, chunky necklace\u00a0(Hey! Hey! Eyes up here!!) – another memory of the music from my pre-commune\u00a0days starts up…But for now, we\u2019ll go on living separate lives!<\/em>\u00a0 (Phil?\u00a0 Mr. Collins?\u00a0 Is that you?!\u00a0 Remember all the fun we had together?\u00a0 When we were both young and\u2026perky??\u00a0 Those were good times, weren\u2019t they?!)<\/p>\n

Catherine and I\u00a0chat for a bit and get the requisite 23-kids-joke out of the way.\u00a0\u00a0By the time we get down to business, I haven\u2019t\u00a0quite finished my\u00a0cup of coffee,\u00a0and I find I\u2019m vaguely disappointed about that.<\/p>\n

You know what else I\u2019m disappointed about? \u00a0That I didn\u2019t take Hubby up on his offer this morning to give me a \u2018pre-screening\u2019 (wink, wink, nudge, nudge<\/em>).\u00a0 At least HIS\u00a0hands were warm.\u00a0 Catherine\u2019s hands are\u00a0FREEZING as she\u2019s touching me all over the private bits I keep under my pink double-wide.\u00a0 But all\u00a0those years as a Poseable Barbie have paid off and I\u2019m finally, FINALLY\u00a0standing in just the right way, according to Catherine (no, no, feet FACING the machine, but head to the side).\u00a0 I’m\u00a0barely breathing and\u00a0can only see what\u2019s going on \u2018down there\u2019 out of the corner of my eye.\u00a0 And what I CAN see?\u00a0 Looks like a startlingly white puddle of spilled milk that’s spreading out further and further underneath the plexiglass the more Catherine turns her dial.\u00a0 Good thing they give you that hand-grip-thingie on the side of the machine!\u00a0\u00a0It must be the modern medical equivalent to biting on a bullet for the pain!!<\/p>\n

I’m in the middle of wondering why someone with cold hands would wanna spend all day graphing mammos when Catherine asks if I’m going back to work after this.<\/p>\n

Really? \u00a0Really?!? \u00a0Even HERE I’m not safe from that dreaded question??\u00a0 “No.\u00a0 I’m a stay at home mom.\u00a0 Having 23 kids makes it hard to hold down a job.\u00a0 Heh, heh, heh.\u00a0 But thanks for bringing it up!” stink eye, stink eye<\/em><\/p>\n

As I’m getting changed afterwards I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. \u00a0It looks like I’ve been beaten\u00a0about the neck and chest. \u00a0Which in a way, I have been.\u00a0 Those red marks are from all that\u00a0pinchin’,\u00a0squishin’\u2026Lovin\u2019, touchin\u2019, SQUEEZIN\u2019 eachother\u2026<\/em>\u00a0 Whaaaat?\u00a0 Steve Perry and Journey??\u00a0 You\u2019re here TOO??!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You know what today is?\u00a0 National Mammography Day!\u00a0 Well, actually, nope.\u00a0 That was LAST Friday.\u00a0 (It\u2019s always the 3rd Friday in October, doncha know?)\u00a0 Today was PERSONAL Mammography Day.\u00a0 For me. Why is\u00a0it always sooooo hushed when you walk into the Mammography\u00a0Center?\u00a0 Is it because we all know what we\u2019re there for?\u00a0 Everything has\u00a0already been […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2095"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2095"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2095\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2108,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2095\/revisions\/2108"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2095"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2095"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2095"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}