{"id":2075,"date":"2013-10-22T13:27:03","date_gmt":"2013-10-22T19:27:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2075"},"modified":"2013-10-22T13:27:03","modified_gmt":"2013-10-22T19:27:03","slug":"i-wanna-see-you-dance-varmint","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2075","title":{"rendered":"I wanna see you DANCE, Varmint!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I feel like there\u2019s always a grizzled backwoodsman in my life.\u00a0 He\u2019s off-screen, but\u00a0constantly saying to me, \u201cOk, Varmint, I wanna see you DANCE!\u201d as he shoots his olde tyme revolver at my feet.\u00a0 Pew! Pew!<\/em>\u00a0 Tappity, tap, tap.\u00a0 [That\u2019s me dancing a frantic jig to avoid his bullets.]<\/p>\n

Why do I feel this way?\u00a0 I present to you Exhibit A:\u00a0Exactly one, single, solitary hour of my morning today.\u00a0 From 7 a.m. to 8 a.m.\u00a0 One.\u00a0 Single.\u00a0 Hour.<\/p>\n

Sonny and I had just gotten back from his cat-sitting duty.\u00a0 He\u2019s allergic to cats by the way.\u00a0 So I ONLY let him take this job because Sissy was going to be doing most of it.\u00a0 \u2018Cept Sissy is sick with some extremely painful 3-day stomach bug (which I <\/em>will VERY SOON be getting<\/a>.\u00a0 Lookin\u2019 forward to it.)\u00a0 So, since Sissy is out of the picture, I <\/em>now have cat sitting duty and Sonny just comes along as the \u201cfamiliar face\u201d so the cat doesn\u2019t hiss at me. \u00a0\u00a0All I can say about that is: I\u2019m not getting paid NEARLY enough to deal with nasty cat food while Sonny looks on.\u00a0 But please, please, please don\u2019t tell the Unemployment Office any of this.\u00a0 Pew!\u00a0 Pew!<\/em>\u00a0 Tappity, tap, tap.<\/p>\n

So Sonny is sitting at the kitchen table, I\u2019ve made him breakfast and just packed his lunch.\u00a0 (Pew!\u00a0 Pew!<\/em>)\u00a0 I\u2019ve also packed a lunch for Sissy who, I realize, will not actually be eating\u00a0again today.\u00a0 Instead, she\u2019s sitting slumped in a chair with her puke bucket.\u00a0 She\u2019s taken to carrying it around on her hip like an\u00a0in-need-of-constant-attention baby.<\/p>\n

Nor will she be going to school, which means I\u2019ll have to teach her more math-that-she\u2019s-missing.\u00a0 (And you KNOW how I feel about math.\u00a0 Tappity, tap, tap<\/em>.)<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m showing the kids a video of the dog that I took at\u00a01:30 this morning.\u00a0 He\u2019d been acting like HE had the stomach bug, mewling and groaning, until I let him out of his cage.\u00a0 At which point he SHOT out the back door like I had just opened the ironing board<\/a> behind him.\u00a0 And he proceeded to RIP out mouthfuls of grass, chew them frantically and swallow them.\u00a0 (What?\u00a0 It\u2019s 1:30 in the morning!\u00a0 This is soooo crazy I have to take a video.\u00a0 And don\u2019t tell me YOU\u2019RE getting the stomach bug too, Teddy, in some sort of reverse swine-flu-for-dogs-which-you-caught-from-your-human.)\u00a0 Pew, pew!<\/em>\u00a0 Tappity, tap, tap.<\/p>\n

Teddy was so set on grazing that he alluded capture for a full 15 minutes until I tricked him into the house with the complete lie of going for a ride in the car. \u00a0It\u2019s 2 a.m.!\u00a0 Of course we\u2019re not going for a ride in the car!\u00a0<\/em> But I did catch it all on tape so I had to show the kiddies what I\u2019d been up to while they slept.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s at this point in the re-telling of my midnight adventure\u00a0that I hear the sprinklers start up.<\/p>\n

Whaaaat?\u00a0 That CAN\u2019T be the sprinklers because I personally turned them OFF when we had all that rain last month<\/a>.\u00a0 And they never got turned on again.\u00a0 Pew!\u00a0 Pew! <\/em>\u00a0But just in case we\u2019re now starring in a show where the house turns\u2026 against us, I checked anyway.\u00a0 Sure enough, OFF.\u00a0 Like I say,\u00a0they\u2019ve been OFF for over\u00a04 weeks.\u00a0 So how did they just now turn ON?!?\u00a0 I frantically call Hubby (who\u2019s on a business trip, natch, to ask what to do.\u00a0 Uh\u2026turn them off.<\/em>\u00a0 \u00a0I did that, I did that already!!!\u00a0 Uh\u2026unplug them.<\/em>\u00a0 Oh, ok.)\u00a0 Tappity. Tap. Tap.<\/em><\/p>\n

The possessed sprinkler then made us late,\u00a0so Sonny and I SHOT out the door to school like someone just opened an ironing board behind us.\u00a0 Pew!\u00a0 Pew!\u00a0 <\/em>\u00a0Before we\u2019re even out of the driveway, I start getting video messages from Sissy asking when I\u2019m gonna be back because her stomach is KILLING her.\u00a0 (I wanna see you DANCE, Varmint!<\/em>)<\/p>\n

20 minutes and 3 videos later, I burst back through the door and she\u2019s sitting on the couch watching t.v.\u00a0 Huh?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOk, Sweetheart!\u00a0 We\u2019re gonna get this under control already!\u00a0 I\u2019m pretty sure your stomach is hurting because you don\u2019t have anything in it.\u00a0 How about a banana?\u00a0 Even if you just force yourself to eat half, that would help.\u201d<\/p>\n

So she quietly submits to the plan and nibbles on\u00a0\u00bd a banana.\u00a0 When she’s done, she\u00a0leans over her fussy baby and throws up ALLLL of the banana she\u2019s just eaten.\u00a0 She remarks, \u201cYeah, Mom.\u00a0 That banana really helped.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, it did, didn\u2019t it?\u00a0In fact, Barkeep: Bananas for ALLLLL my friends!\u00a0 Especially the grizzled backwoodsman with the firearm.\u00a0 Pew!\u00a0 Pew!<\/em> \u00a0Tappity, tap, tap\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I feel like there\u2019s always a grizzled backwoodsman in my life.\u00a0 He\u2019s off-screen, but\u00a0constantly saying to me, \u201cOk, Varmint, I wanna see you DANCE!\u201d as he shoots his olde tyme revolver at my feet.\u00a0 Pew! Pew!\u00a0 Tappity, tap, tap.\u00a0 [That\u2019s me dancing a frantic jig to avoid his bullets.] Why do I feel this way?\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2075"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2075"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2075\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2084,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2075\/revisions\/2084"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2075"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2075"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2075"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}