{"id":2035,"date":"2013-10-15T13:00:12","date_gmt":"2013-10-15T19:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2035"},"modified":"2013-10-15T13:00:12","modified_gmt":"2013-10-15T19:00:12","slug":"portal-to-hell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=2035","title":{"rendered":"Portal to Hell"},"content":{"rendered":"

I opened a portal to Hell the other day.\u00a0 This caused the dog to shoot out the open sliding glass door like a bullet.\u00a0 It was a full-bore, every-man-for-himself\u00a0cartoon move.\u00a0 He may have even galloped in place for a few seconds before he got enough traction to BLAST out the door with the\u00a0unspoken words spilling out of the air behind him: Get me OWDAAA heeeeeeeeere!!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, how exactly did I open this portal?!\u00a0 Well, truth be told \u2013 it wasn’t actually a portal; It was just the ironing board.\u00a0 This must have been the first time I used it since the dog came to live with us in March.\u00a0 [Hello?\u00a0 You know I can see you through the computer, right?!\u00a0 \u00a0And you know I can see you counting the months on your fingers.\u00a0 So I\u2019ll just go ahead and do it for you: March, April, May, June, July, August, September, and October.\u00a0 Yep.\u00a0 That’s 8 months.\u00a0 Is that unusual that I haven’t gotten the ironing board out in 8 months?\u00a0 In my own defense, all I can say is that I had a roommate in college who ironed her SHEETS and I’ve been rebelling ever since.<\/em>]<\/em><\/p>\n

You know who else went all cartoon-y on my a$$ with the “8 months since I’ve gotten out the ironing board” shtick?\u00a0 The kids with their,\u00a0“Where did you get THAT?\u00a0 Where did that COME FROM?!”<\/p>\n

Really?\u00a0 REALLY??\u00a0 They\u2019re gonna claim THEY\u2019VE never seen it EITHER?\u00a0 Come on!\u00a0 That\u2019s just ridiculous!!\u00a0\u00a0I KNOW the kids\u00a0have seen the ironing board before.\u00a0 Who\u00a0CARES if they last saw it before they had memories, right?\u00a0 In fact, it’s totally\u00a0justifiable that\u00a0my “It’s an IRONING board…and it’s been in the laundry room the ENTIRE time we’ve LIVED here!” response was a bit sharp.<\/p>\n

But because it\u2019s been cooped up for (at least) 8 months, it was especially\u2026 squeeeEEEEEEEAAAKKKKKKkkyyyyyyyy.\u00a0 Total Haunted House squeeeEEEEEEEAAAKKKKKKkkyyyyyyyy.\u00a0 So you can see how it was mistaken as a portal to Hell.\u00a0 Especially when you don’t spare a backward glance at where the squeak is coming from as you’re shooting out of your scaredy-cat cannon.<\/p>\n

Now, if you asked the scaredy-cat…er…dog, he’d tell you I’ve opened up many, many portals to Hell.\u00a0 If you asked me, I’d tell you I use the mixer, vacuum cleaner and hairdryer\u00a0much more frequently than the ironing board.\u00a0 So you think he would have gotten over it and grown up already.\u00a0 Get used to the Hell portals whydoncha?!?<\/p>\n

But no.\u00a0 All the portals have\u00a0the same effect.\u00a0 They require that the dog thoroughly saturate the immediate vicinity with pee, then get doggone for 2 or 3 hours –\u00a0skulking around the backyard (rustle, rustle, rustle\u2026.nope, I can still see you behind that tree\u2026<\/em>rustle, rustle, rustle…Nope, I can still see you behind that bush<\/em>) and\u00a0gradually creeping\u00a0closer and closer to the house\u00a0to determine when\/if the coast is clear.\u00a0 Side note: a\u00a0treat usually helps him gain clarity on\u00a0clear coast time.<\/p>\n

Except?\u00a0 Except\u00a0lately, the dog\u00a0hasn’t been spraying pee everywhere before he shoots out of his cannon.<\/p>\n

Maybe he IS\u00a0growing up after all?!?\u00a0 Better bladder control is ALWAYS a sign of maturity, right?\u00a0 Well…until it peaks and then you find yourself on the DOWNSLOPE\u00a0of bladder control.\u00a0 But that’s a whole ‘nother show, Folks.\u00a0\u00a0For a whole ‘nother day.\u00a0 In the meantime, thanks for stoppin’ by.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I opened a portal to Hell the other day.\u00a0 This caused the dog to shoot out the open sliding glass door like a bullet.\u00a0 It was a full-bore, every-man-for-himself\u00a0cartoon move.\u00a0 He may have even galloped in place for a few seconds before he got enough traction to BLAST out the door with the\u00a0unspoken words spilling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2035"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2035"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2035\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2049,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2035\/revisions\/2049"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2035"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2035"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2035"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}