{"id":1822,"date":"2013-09-12T10:56:00","date_gmt":"2013-09-12T16:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1822"},"modified":"2013-09-12T10:59:18","modified_gmt":"2013-09-12T16:59:18","slug":"of-ikea-and-amusment-park-rides","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1822","title":{"rendered":"Of Ikea and Amusment Park Rides"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

In addition to sounding like an overly aggressive karate-chop noise, Ikea ranks in my personal “Top 3 Stores I Love AND Hate.”\u00a0 [Kohl’s, don’t get all cocky.\u00a0 I got my eye on you too.\u00a0 But for different reasons<\/em>.]<\/p>\n

Before I go into the whole Ikea thing though,\u00a0I wanted to ask if anyone else remembers going to the amusement park and riding on that “Antique Car” ride when they were younger?\u00a0 Remember the first time you did it all-by-yourself?\u00a0 You’re waiting in line, almost\u00a0giddy with excitement.\u00a0 You can’t believe the “people in charge” are going to let you DRIVE!\u00a0 All-by-YOURSELF!!\u00a0 You don’t even have a LICENSE!\u00a0 And they’re gonna let you DRIVE!\u00a0 All-by-YOURSELF!!!!<\/p>\n

Then you get on, wrap\u00a0yourself with that smelly strap.\u00a0\u00a0YOU’RE OFF!!!\u00a0\u00a0And?!?!\u00a0\u00a0wah-wah-wah<\/em> (insert game show “I’ve been let down by my own stupidity” noise here).<\/p>\n

There’s a TRACK!\u00a0 Why did you\u00a0never notice that blasted TRACK before?!?\u00a0 You’re\u00a0not really steering;\u00a0You’re\u00a0just following the TRACK!\u00a0\u00a0In fact, you\u00a0can take your\u00a0hands off the wheel altogether and casually place them behind your\u00a0head,\u00a0kick your\u00a0feet up on the dashboard and you’ll STILL make it back to the start.\u00a0 And\u00a0you\u00a0thought\u00a0YOU <\/em>were\u00a0going to be in charge.<\/p>\n

Well….Ikea is like that.\u00a0 You think, “This is gonna be GREAT!\u00a0 This is gonna be so much FUN!!”\u00a0 But as you begin to bump down the road,\u00a0you realize “steering wheel” is a misnomer because there’s no steering involved.\u00a0 On your part, at least.\u00a0 You’ll go where THEY tell you to go.<\/p>\n

You see, Ikea makes you go ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE STORE in order to get out the other end.\u00a0 Even if you just run in for something that can be found at the entrance of the store…you still have to go ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE STORE to get out alive.<\/p>\n

Trust me.\u00a0 I know.<\/p>\n

Sissy and I were just there this past week-end.\u00a0 We ran in before church to “quickly” look at Ikea’s selection of stoppered bottles.\u00a0 (It’s a Christmas project.\u00a0 Don’t ask.)\u00a0 The glassware department\u00a0is right beside the weird Euro cafeteria where the meatballs are selling like hotcakes even though it’s only\u00a010 in the morning.\u00a0\u00a0I know exactly how we came in.\u00a0 I can re-trace the path in my head.\u00a0 The plan is that\u00a0once we get down the stairs, we\u00a0can\u00a0just…walk back up and out.\u00a0 Right??<\/p>\n

But like some sort of haunted house, while we were downstairs for\u00a05 minutes, all the doors have shifted.\u00a0\u00a0The pictures have grown taller and creepier.\u00a0 An evil laugh\u00a0booms over the loudspeaker\u00a0MWA HA ha ha haaaaaa<\/em>.\u00a0 And even though we walk back upstairs, there’s no way to get out the way we came in.\u00a0 (“Last thing I remember, I was runnin’ for the door.\u00a0 I had to find that passage back to the place I was before.\u00a0 “Relax,” said the night man, “we are programmed to receive.\u00a0 You can check out anytime.\u00a0 But you can NEVER LEAVE<\/em>!!!!”)<\/p>\n

We\u00a0spy an elevator marked “Exit, this way.”<\/p>\n

Hey Willy Wonka!\u00a0 What happens if we get in this elevator?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

So we try it.\u00a0 There’s a hope in my mind that the elevator will\u00a0either 1)\u00a0blast out of the top of the shaft\u00a0and we’ll soar through the air until we can get our bearings – or 2) will\u00a0shoot sideways and we’ll wind up back in the parking garage where our ride is waiting [hey! it’s Ikea.\u00a0 It could happen through the use of rickety Scandinavian technology.]<\/p>\n

And?\u00a0 The elevator\u00a0takes us to the bottom of the stairs\u00a0again.<\/p>\n

Whaaaaaa?!?\u00a0\u00a0How the EFF do you get out of here?!?!?<\/p>\n

Since\u00a0I’ve heard about a store “shortcut” that only the most seasoned Ikea-goers know about,\u00a0I start\u00a0keeping my eagle eye out for top-secret shortcut\u00a0signs.\u00a0 As I’m doing that,\u00a0Sissy begins to tell me about her dream\u00a0from the previous night.\u00a0 She’s on a merry-go-round with a bunch of\u00a0babies.\u00a0 The merry-go-round starts going faster and faster.\u00a0 The babies\u00a0fly off one-by-one.\u00a0\u00a0She tries to grab them as they\u00a0sail\u00a0past,\u00a0but she’s ineffective.\u00a0 She can’t let go, otherwise she’ll go flying off too.\u00a0 Eventually\u00a0she’s the only one left.\u00a0\u00a0She’s holding on for dear life with both hands while her legs flap out behind her\u00a0like pants-on-a-clothesline-in-the-wind.<\/p>\n

Hmmm…\u00a0 Sissy?\u00a0 Why does\u00a0what we’re doing HERE at IKEA remind you of your dream?!?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Merry-go-round?\u00a0 Haunted House?!\u00a0 Antique Cars??\u00a0\u00a0Either way –\u00a0stop the Ikea\u00a0ride.\u00a0 I wanna get OFF!!!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In addition to sounding like an overly aggressive karate-chop noise, Ikea ranks in my personal “Top 3 Stores I Love AND Hate.”\u00a0 [Kohl’s, don’t get all cocky.\u00a0 I got my eye on you too.\u00a0 But for different reasons.] Before I go into the whole Ikea thing though,\u00a0I wanted to ask if anyone else remembers going […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1822"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1822"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1822\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1829,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1822\/revisions\/1829"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1822"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1822"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1822"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}