{"id":1796,"date":"2013-09-06T17:03:16","date_gmt":"2013-09-06T23:03:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1796"},"modified":"2013-09-06T17:03:16","modified_gmt":"2013-09-06T23:03:16","slug":"about-face","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1796","title":{"rendered":"About Face!"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

I joined some girlfriends for a facial at the day spa yesterday.\u00a0 (They had\u00a0gift cards which they offered to share with me, so keep your smarmy “Gosh, for an unemployed stay at home mom, you sure do\u00a0live\u00a0it up!” comments to yourself.)<\/p>\n

And?\u00a0 And while it’s always fun to spend time with these dear friends who-share-their-spa-giftcards-with-me, I’ve decided\u00a0facials aren’t really my thing.<\/p>\n

Here’s\u00a0why…<\/p>\n

First off, I shouldn’t have had\u00a0the\u00a0Del Taco bean burrito with green sauce before I headed\u00a0over to the spa.\u00a0 Why??\u00a0 Because my\u00a0stomach rumbled\u00a0alarmingly through the entire treatment and I spent\u00a0the whole\u00a0time wondering if Kimberly, my sweet-as-pie aesthetician,\u00a0could\u00a0hear it\u00a0over the annoying pan flute music being piped into the room.\u00a0 (As a side note: Do spas actually think\u00a0Zamfir doin’ his\u00a0pan flute ‘thang’ is RELAXING?!\u00a0 ‘Cause it’s not.)<\/p>\n

Next, there’s a serious\u00a0decision I need to make\u00a0about my bra.\u00a0 On?\u00a0\u00a0Or\u00a0off??\u00a0\u00a0After Kimberly\u00a0gives me the rundown on how to use my assigned\u00a0wrap-top, she\u00a0floats\u00a0like an angel out of the room, discreetly giving me time to change.\u00a0\u00a0It’s only after I make\u00a0my\u00a0bra decision (off)\u00a0and put on the wrap-top, that it occurs to me\u00a0the whole scenario\u00a0now seems\u00a0WAY too\u00a0much like\u00a0an\u00a0OB\/GYN visit,\u00a0so I quickly have\u00a0to take the wrap OFF and put the bra back ON!\u00a0\u00a0The whole time I’m\u00a0doing my\u00a0panicked\u00a0fumble-fingers schtick, I’m\u00a0worried Kimberly will\u00a0POP!<\/em> back in unexpectedly and catch me in some sort of\u00a0inadvertent seduction mode.<\/p>\n

So\u00a0I’m\u00a0happy to be lying down on the table (bra ON but straps\u00a0pushed down to my elbows with the wrap covering the entire\u00a0glamor-don’t)\u00a0by the time Kimberly returns.\u00a0\u00a0Phew!\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0I just hope the\u00a0erratic breathing resulting from the bra clusterbomb doesn’t make Kimberly think\u00a0I was doing anything…er…inappropriate to celebrate the kick-off of my\u00a0facial.<\/p>\n

[“Morning in the springtime\u00a0meadow” with piano AND pan flutes starts up in the background…]<\/em>\u00a0and Kimberly asks me if there’s any skin issue I’m worried about.\u00a0 Yeah!\u00a0 Someone replaced my dewy 20-year-old, East coast skin with that\u00a0of a\u00a045-year-old from Colorado!\u00a0 Can ya help me,\u00a0doc?!\u00a0 Yuck – yuck – yuck!!\u00a0 <\/em>“Oh, no.\u00a0\u00a0Just here\u00a0for the fun of a facial.\u00a0 But I did have this nose zit last week<\/a> that was so painful.\u00a0 Right there on my nose.\u00a0 But on the inside.\u00a0 But now it’s kinda outside.\u00a0 So…well, just wanted to mention that”\u00a0 [trailing off into silence<\/em>….]<\/p>\n

And so it begins.\u00a0 I’m\u00a0all cozy in my hospital bed covered by a warmed sheet\u00a0and she begins to work her magic.\u00a0 I note that we have a\u00a0citrus scent theme going.\u00a0 First it’s oranges.\u00a0 Snnniiiiifff!\u00a0 Ahhhh, refreshing!<\/p>\n

Then it’s lime.\u00a0 YUmmmmmm.\u00a0 But I don’t think the around-the-eyes…SMOOSH in…around-the-eyes….SMOOOOOOSH in thing\u00a0she’s doing (oddly in time to the Morning Meadow music)\u00a0is helping the wrinkles.\u00a0 Should I say something?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 She’s the pro.\u00a0 I’ll let her work her magic.<\/em><\/p>\n

After the lime-y scented product, comes…MEN’S AFTERSHAVE FLAVOR?!?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0gaaaAAACK!<\/em>\u00a0 Why\u00a0did she have to choose THIS flavor to rub all over my shoulders and\u00a0back TOO?!\u00a0 Surely there are more citrus fruits we could’ve explored?!?\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0While I’m grossing myself out about the lotion flavor,\u00a0Kimberly begins to pinch my nose shut, one nostril at a time, under the guise of working on my black-heads.\u00a0 Turns out this is the “self discovery” portion of the event where I discover that\u00a0I can only breathe out of ONE NOSTRIL!\u00a0 How did I not<\/span> know this until\u00a0JUST NOW?!??\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>This discovery forces me to discreetly\u00a0prop\u00a0my mouth open for the remainder of my time here so that I can…uh…BREATHE!!!\u00a0\u00a0But propped open just a little bit so that I can still live but so that I don’t get aftershave\u00a0in my mouth!\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

[“Sad summer day in\u00a0July” begins to play.\u00a0\u00a0ONLY\u00a0piano this time;\u00a0Thank Heaven we ditched the pan flute!…]\u00a0<\/em> Kimberly has put some sort of steamer thing on my face so it actually DOES feel like a summer day.\u00a0 In July.\u00a0 In North Carolina where\u00a0you SWEAT like a\u00a0sumbitch.\u00a0 In fact, the steamer\u00a0is almost panic-inducingly oppressive with all the\u00a0heat and humidity blasting out of it.<\/p>\n

And wait!\u00a0 What??\u00a0 What’s going on now?!?\u00a0\u00a0Why is she taking my ARMS out of the sheet?\u00a0 Am I being molested??\u00a0 If she touches ANYTHING under my\u00a0wrap,\u00a0I’m gonna shout, “Stranger Danger!” and run.\u00a0\u00a0Ok.\u00a0\u00a0Settle down.\u00a0 She’s just massaging my arms,\u00a0dirty bird.\u00a0<\/em> This is an upscale\u00a0spa.\u00a0 No molesting going on here.<\/em>\u00a0 But now I’m\u00a0worried that somehow she’ll get arm-massage-cream on my bra straps because\u00a0I pushed them down\u00a0EXTRA far so I wouldn’t get\u00a0aftershave scented face-neck-and-chest cream on them.\u00a0 But now maybe I pushed them down TOO far?!?\u00a0 G*&^%MN BRA!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

[“Evening comes to the shady glen”,\u00a0complete with crickets chirping and thrumming cicada noises, plays softly…] <\/em>After Kimberly\u00a0slips both my hands into plastic bags and then into heating-pad-hand-warmer devices, we bring the\u00a0“I’m going to die in this hot, locked car because it’s 100 degrees out” feeling full circle.\u00a0 At which point\u00a0she begins to\u00a0rub\u00a0thick grass-scented\u00a0stuff all over my face with a bristly brush.\u00a0 Turns out\u00a0grass actually isn’t bad in terms of a spa flavor.\u00a0 And it’s really refreshing after being locked in that hot car.\u00a0 But by the time I realize this, Kimberly has put wet cotton pads\u00a0on my eyes, turned off the lights and slipped out of the room.\u00a0 A nightlight has come on and I can see it out of the corner of my eye.\u00a0 Yep, it’s still there.\u00a0 Yep.\u00a0 Still there.\u00a0 Why do I keep looking at it?<\/em>\u00a0 It’s till there.\u00a0 Stop looking at it.\u00a0 It’s not gonna be relaxing if you keep looking at it.<\/em>\u00a0 It’s still there.<\/p>\n

[“The noble rebel valiantly\u00a0marches to his doom but in slow motion” is now playing.\u00a0 Oh joy.\u00a0 This time it’s\u00a0piano AND\u00a0violin…<\/em>.]\u00a0 And I decide I’m going to press the cotton pad\u00a0down so I can relax and not focus on the wack nightlight.\u00a0 But when I lift my\u00a0right hand-encased-in-a-heating-pad, my other hand comes with it because…my hands are\u00a0TETHERED TOGETHER!!\u00a0 WHY ARE MY HANDS TETHERED TOGETHER?!?\u00a0 Ok.\u00a0 Think about this.\u00a0 It must be the heating pads.\u00a0 They must be connected.\u00a0 You can do this.\u00a0 Just move BOTH HANDS at the same time.\u00a0 You have an MBA.\u00a0\u00a0FIGURE IT OUT!<\/em><\/p>\n

By the time the Cotton Pad\u00a0Mission is accomplished, the\u00a0weird zit on my nose which I previously\u00a0overdiscussed with Kimberly\u00a0starts to itch\u00a0like a mother\u00a0and I’ve gotta do the locked-in-handcuffs routine\u00a0AGAIN to itch it.\u00a0 At that point something clatters to the floor.<\/p>\n

$h*t!\u00a0 $H*T<\/em>!!!\u00a0 Now she’s gonna know I was squirming around in here and not relaxing.\u00a0\u00a0$H*T!!!<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Then I get a weird feeling that maybe she already KNOWS I’m squirming around and not relaxing because she’s WATCHING ME ON A CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION IN THE BREAK ROOM!\u00a0\u00a0And she’s pointing me out and laughing with all of her colleagues as they see how I react after I realize\u00a0that my hands are\u00a0tied together and that she’s STRAPPED ME DOWN TO THE TABLE!!<\/em><\/p>\n

STRAPPED TO THE TABLE?!??\u00a0 No.\u00a0 NO!\u00a0 STOP IT!!!\u00a0 You are NOT strapped to the table.\u00a0 That’s silly.\u00a0 That’s a total violation of fire code, A.\u00a0 They wouldn’t strap clients to the facial\u00a0table, B.\u00a0\u00a0WOULD THEY?!?\u00a0\u00a0If they did, ’48 Hours’ would have busted\u00a0this scam wide open already, right?\u00a0 So that’s C.\u00a0\u00a0And the bed might seem like a hospital bed, but I’m not IN the hospital – or a danger to myself – or a violent MENTAL PATIENT!!\u00a0 So we’re up to reason\u00a0D\u00a0as to\u00a0why I would NOT be strapped to the table.\u00a0\u00a0But…what if I’M STRAPPED TO THE TABLE?!??\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Unidentified crap has already fallen on the floor.\u00a0 In for a penny, in for a pound.\u00a0 So\u00a0I start bucking around to confirm or deny that I am\/am not strapped to the table.<\/p>\n

Phew!\u00a0 Not strapped.\u00a0 <\/em>[BIG SIGH through my partially opened mouth<\/em>]\u00a0 <\/em>I was kinda panicking there, wasn’t I?\u00a0\u00a0But I’m glad I confirmed that I’m NOT strapped to the table without actually having to take OFF my hand-cuffs.\u00a0 I just\u00a0hope Kimberly had her back turned\u00a0to get\u00a0something out of the microwave\u00a0while I was lurching\u00a0around\u00a0and therefore missed\u00a0that particular\u00a0video feed from the spy camera in my treatment room.<\/p>\n

[A single harpist is now playing what I call “Fairies descend from the heavens to guide the dead hero into the nightlands”…]<\/em> and speaking of DEAD, I wish that nightlight would DIE ALREADY!\u00a0<\/em> All the bucking and heaving has dislodged my cotton pad\u00a0and I’m all focused on the nightlight again.\u00a0 And also?\u00a0 I may have to pee.\u00a0\u00a0The large-sized soda that went with the bean burrito now seems like a bad idea…BAD, BAD idea.\u00a0 Because I really might have to PEE!<\/em><\/p>\n

But before I can downward spiral AGAIN, Kimberly’s back.\u00a0 She’s lost her floaty\u00a0angel persona\u00a0and instead is in brisk nurse mode.<\/p>\n

She clicks on the light.\u00a0 Cleans the grass off my face.\u00a0\u00a0Spreads pineapple scented lotion on (I KNEW there were more citrus flavors<\/em>!).\u00a0 Provides\u00a0some product advice.\u00a0 Tells me to change.\u00a0 Indicates that she’ll meet me outside.\u00a0 And she’s off again!\u00a0\u00a0Hmmmm…maybe she DID see me on the camera and doesn’t want to be alone with me?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

As I do my quick change routine which is awfully reminiscent of my\u00a0after-highschool-gym-class-locker-room-scramble, I\u00a0head out the door.\u00a0 Happy to be done.\u00a0 ESPECIALLY since those humpbacked\u00a0Kokopeli flute dudes\u00a0have taken up where Zamfir left off.<\/p>\n

And?\u00a0\u00a0It’s confirmed.\u00a0 I gotta PEE!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I joined some girlfriends for a facial at the day spa yesterday.\u00a0 (They had\u00a0gift cards which they offered to share with me, so keep your smarmy “Gosh, for an unemployed stay at home mom, you sure do\u00a0live\u00a0it up!” comments to yourself.) And?\u00a0 And while it’s always fun to spend time with these dear friends who-share-their-spa-giftcards-with-me, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1796"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1796"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1796\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1809,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1796\/revisions\/1809"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}