{"id":1788,"date":"2013-09-04T07:15:50","date_gmt":"2013-09-04T13:15:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1788"},"modified":"2013-09-04T07:15:50","modified_gmt":"2013-09-04T13:15:50","slug":"crocheter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1788","title":{"rendered":"Crocheter"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Somehow the Crochet Gods found out I put “Crocheter” on my business card<\/a>, and they’ve begun sending me a daily email entitled “Hooked on Crochet.”\u00a0 (hardy har har)<\/p>\n

This email has single-handedly made\u00a0me realize that I DON’T actually want “Crocheter” on my business card because them crochet chicks is wack.<\/p>\n

Here is a selection of\u00a0“much-loved crochet patterns” from my\u00a0latest email.\u00a0\u00a0Beside the\u00a0name of each pattern, I have indicated for you\u00a0if this is something anyone else in the world would EVER want to have crocheted and given to them as a gift:<\/p>\n

1. Crochet Rain Boots – Seriously??!\u00a0 NO.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

2. Blueberry Pie Scarf – Possibly…but only if you can find the right yarn in those nice shades of deep, purple-y blue.\u00a0 If you can’t, then skip it.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

3. Gypsy Goddess Hat – AKA Dubai Turban.\u00a0 With the subtitle, you can picture it\u00a0now, right?\u00a0\u00a0And remember, it’s CROCHETED.\u00a0 In which case you’re agreeing with me that this is a total no.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

4. My Luxury Scarf – It looks like a\u00a0fringed scarf\u00a0that was\u00a0around the neck of a white stuffed reindeer my daughter got for Christmas one year.\u00a0\u00a0That scarf\u00a0looked and felt\u00a0like it was made with scratchy pink tinsel.\u00a0 And so does this one.\u00a0\u00a0No.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

5. Mom’s Favorite Baby Blanket – It looks like everyone’s nightmare of a crocheted baby blanket…so, no.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

6. Eliot Square – Total and complete crap.\u00a0\u00a0This is the stuff that gives crochet a bad name.\u00a0 Absa-frickin-lutely not.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

7. Quickest Crochet Hat Ever – Well…this actually DOES have\u00a0potential, especially with the jaunty little flower on it.\u00a0\u00a0And it’s this type of stuff that keeps me coming back to crochet.\u00a0 But I digress.\u00a0 We must continue on with our brutally honest look at the rest of the list.\u00a0<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\n

8. African Flower Motif – Barf!\u00a0 No.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

9. Millionaire Bag – This looks like the exact OPPOSITE of a millionaire bag.\u00a0 In fact, it’s actually a coupon bag.\u00a0 If I see anyone with their coupons in this bag.\u00a0 Ever.\u00a0 I will jump them in the parking lot.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

10. Chunky Braided Cowl – Chunky is the operative word here.\u00a0 You will look that way if you wear this.\u00a0 No.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

11. Papillion Scarf – Ho hum.\u00a0 Looks similar to the blueberry scarf ‘cept without the interesting blueberry color\u00a0smooshed all over it.\u00a0 Naw.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

12. European Goddess Tunic – There is exactly one extremely petite Asian woman in the whole world who could pull off this concept (a crocheted TUNIC?!?).\u00a0 So while the\u00a01X, 2X, 3X\u00a0upsizing on the pattern is super helpful – it’s completely unnecessary because if you have to upsize the pattern on this,\u00a0you shouldn’t be wearing it.\u00a0 Nope.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

13. Magnolia Afghan – This involves crocheting AND sewing.\u00a0 No.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

14. Waltzing Fans Shawl – This is the most droopy lookin’ Granny doily thing that some moron repurposed as a shawl.\u00a0 NO!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

15. Crochet Fall Headband – Again, this is the thing that makes me think I might be right back into wanting “Crocheter” on my business card.\u00a0 So yes!\u00a0 Yes to this one.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

But then the sidebar on the email catches my eye.\u00a0\u00a0There’s a\u00a0lady there modeling a Wonder Woman headband.\u00a0 A CROCHETED Wonder Woman Headband.\u00a0 Complete with a crocheted star which has been\u00a0crocheted onto the crocheted crown-y type foreheadband.\u00a0 And?\u00a0 And I’m right back to…no.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Get “Crocheter” OFF the business cards.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Somehow the Crochet Gods found out I put “Crocheter” on my business card, and they’ve begun sending me a daily email entitled “Hooked on Crochet.”\u00a0 (hardy har har) This email has single-handedly made\u00a0me realize that I DON’T actually want “Crocheter” on my business card because them crochet chicks is wack. Here is a selection of\u00a0“much-loved […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1788"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1788"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1788\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1795,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1788\/revisions\/1795"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1788"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1788"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1788"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}