{"id":1326,"date":"2013-05-14T08:12:11","date_gmt":"2013-05-14T14:12:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1326"},"modified":"2013-05-14T08:17:48","modified_gmt":"2013-05-14T14:17:48","slug":"im-all-pooped-out-from-yardwork","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1326","title":{"rendered":"I’m all pooped out (from yardwork)."},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Here is a little tale I wanted to tell you about yardwork…<\/p>\n

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived in a house with a yard.\u00a0 (We won’t go into how beautiful and princess-like\u00a0she was\/is.\u00a0 You get the picture.)\u00a0 But her husband traveled ALL the time…so if she wanted the yardwork done, she would have to do it herself.\u00a0 The most pressing matter was the weeds.<\/p>\n

So one fine day – after a fine, fine rain – the time for weedpulling had come.<\/p>\n

She gathered her tools and put on her sturdy gloves and stepped out into the dripping backyard.\u00a0 She wandered down the brick path, under the pine tree and promptly stepped into a huge pile of dogpoop.\u00a0 Which squished up and over her $120 running shoes and got on the trailing hem of her yoga pants.<\/p>\n

GAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!\u00a0<\/em> She immediately started gagging and running around the yard hydroplaning on her poop shoes, all the while trying to dislodge the oddly mustard colored crap and screaming at her children (who weren’t there) about how they promised, PROMISED to pick up after the dog.\u00a0 They begged\u00a0and BEGGED and BEGGED<\/em> for a dog.\u00a0 And PROMISED, PROMISED<\/strong>, PROMISED<\/em><\/strong> to feed him and walk him and PICK UP AFTER HIM<\/strong><\/em>!<\/p>\n

And she believed them.\u00a0 And she got them a dog.\u00a0 And they had done absolutely ZERO of the things they promised they would.\u00a0 The naughty, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY<\/strong><\/em> children.\u00a0 (Where’s the witch who’s in\u00a0charge of gobbling up children\u00a0when you need her?!??)<\/p>\n

So now?\u00a0 Now she DOESN’T believe them.\u00a0 And also now?\u00a0 Now THERE’S YELLOW POOP ON HER SHOES AND ON HER YOGA PANTS!!!!!!<\/p>\n

GAAAACK!\u00a0 GAAAAAAAACCKKKKKK!!!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

And in the naughty children’s absence, she turned her ire on the dog, who was there and thought it was all a big poopy chase game.\u00a0 He ran from her and in the process ran his furry paws through all the poopy smears on the lawn which had been created as the beautiful, princess-like woman furiously tried to WIPE OFF all the poop that was SMOOSHED\u00a0into\u00a0the grooves of\u00a0her running shoes.\u00a0 Her efforts –\u00a0combined with the dog’s mad dash and the recently rained on\u00a0grass –\u00a0created an impromptu\u00a0poopy slip-n-slide\u00a0in the side yard.<\/p>\n

At which point, barely holding on to her rising gorge, the woman retired from the game and\u00a0returned to the house.\u00a0 Using as few\u00a0fingers as possible, the woman\u00a0took off her shoes\u00a0and THREW them out the back door.\u00a0 She then immediately removed her poopy yoga pants and ran through the house screaming, pantless, up the stairs.\u00a0 All the while making GAAAACK-gaaaaAAAAAACKing<\/em> noises.\u00a0 There may have also been swear words.\u00a0 A lot of swear words.<\/p>\n

The dog and his poopy paws were\u00a0last seen frolicking through the poopy yard with a poopy running shoe in his mouth.<\/p>\n

The end.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here is a little tale I wanted to tell you about yardwork… Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived in a house with a yard.\u00a0 (We won’t go into how beautiful and princess-like\u00a0she was\/is.\u00a0 You get the picture.)\u00a0 But her husband traveled ALL the time…so if she wanted the yardwork done, she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1326"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1326"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1326\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1335,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1326\/revisions\/1335"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1326"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1326"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1326"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}