{"id":1245,"date":"2013-04-24T09:52:09","date_gmt":"2013-04-24T15:52:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1245"},"modified":"2013-04-24T11:20:02","modified_gmt":"2013-04-24T17:20:02","slug":"martha-stewart-craft-zombie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/?p=1245","title":{"rendered":"Martha Stewart Craft Zombie"},"content":{"rendered":"

I got an urgent email from Michael’s yesterday.\u00a0 [Ya know.\u00a0 Michael’s.\u00a0 It’s a craft store.\u00a0 Because I’m a crafter.\u00a0 And sometimes there’s urgent craft news.<\/em>]<\/p>\n

It simultaneously got me excited and made me feel bad.<\/p>\n

I felt bad because: No, I’m not following Michael’s\u00a0on Pinterest.\u00a0 I just can’t bring myself to do the Pinterest thing.\u00a0 I’m afraid I might go overboard and no one would EVER be able to haul me back into the boat.\u00a0 So I totally avoid it.\u00a0 Which is the same approach I use with coupons.\u00a0 Because if I ever started, I would quickly go “extreme” and that would be all she wrote.<\/p>\n

But by not following them on Pinterest – Michael’s tells me that\u00a0I’m “missing out.”\u00a0 Gaaah!\u00a0 That makes your stomach drop too, right?\u00a0 Don’t YOU hate to miss out??\u00a0 Especially on perfect Mother’s Day gifts…FOR LESS<\/strong>?!??<\/p>\n

However.\u00a0 On a positive note, there were some fun crafts listed in the email.\u00a0 The one that caught my eye was the “Martha Stewart Crafts (trademark thingie)\u00a0Mother’s Day Terra Cotta Pots.”<\/p>\n

Now…if you recall…Martha and I have a love\/hate relationship.\u00a0\u00a0I mostly hate her and she has no idea who I am.\u00a0 But once in a while I fall for her insidious lies and I think I love her again.\u00a0 Case in point?\u00a0 The Mother’s Day Terra Cotta Pots.\u00a0 I was mesmerized by them.\u00a0 Compelled by them.\u00a0 Drawn to them the way a zombie is drawn to the smell of humans.\u00a0 Stumbling and bumbling after them through the woods even though they are moving WAY faster than I am.\u00a0 And are carrying torches (which can burn.\u00a0 Torches BAAAD<\/em>.).\u00a0 Then we get to the house with the boarded up windows and…I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!\u00a0 LET ME IN!!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

Like the sucker-for-all-things-Martha-Stewart craft zombie that\u00a0I am…I tripped through the woods after her\u00a0and her terra cotta pot nonsense.\u00a0 I mean, these things are DARLING!\u00a0 Creamy white.\u00a0 With muted floral stencils on them!!\u00a0\u00a0I WANT THEM!\u00a0 I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE…LET ME IN!!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

I already have a gift for my mother…but I could plant herbs in the pots and place them on my OWN windowsill.<\/p>\n

[Side Note:\u00a0 “I say HHHHERbs…because it’s the way the\u00a0English say HHHHERbs,” says Martha.\u00a0\u00a0See?!\u00a0\u00a0 Insufferable.\u00a0 You hate Martha a little now too, don’t you?\u00a0 And is anyone else picturing row-upon-row of balding accountants with their feet stuck in the dirt as they say HHHHERbs??\u00a0 No?\u00a0 Just me?!\u00a0 Anyway…you know what else I have to confess??\u00a0 I NEVER rotate my feather beds in all 20 of the bedrooms in my country estate every equinox-because-it’s-easy-to-remember.\u00a0 But shhhhh…don’t tell Martha.\u00a0 Just shoot her.\u00a0\u00a0Or shoot me.\u00a0 Either way, just shoot.\u00a0 Shoot to kill!]<\/em><\/p>\n

Anyway – I could plant HHHHERbs in pots and place them on my OWN windowsill.\u00a0 And I could be surrounded by darling HHHHErb pots\u00a0WHILE I’m cooking with fresh HHHHERbs.\u00a0 AND while I’m saving money by cooking with fresh HHHHERbs, I could be darling.\u00a0 Living a charmed, darling life.<\/p>\n

OR?\u00a0 I could give them to charming friends as darling birthday gifts filled with fresh HHHHERbs since the homemade scarf thing has run its course (and also it’s Spring, so wool-scarf-gifts don’t work anymore, let’s admit it.).<\/p>\n

The craft dream-of-what-could-be prompted\u00a0me to\u00a0read the “Project Sheet” which went a little something like this:<\/p>\n

Step 1: Buy three terra cotta pots and all the dumb, expensive Martha Stewart Craft (trademark\u00a0thingie) crap you can find in the paint aisle of Michael’s.\u00a0 And if it’s\u00a0called Wedding Cake, Beach Glass Satin, Spring Pasture, Scallion or Jonquil, then buy two.<\/p>\n

Step 2: Base coat all three pots with Wedding Cake.\u00a0 Allow to dry.<\/p>\n

Step 3: After boarding\u00a0the bus to\u00a0Stencil Crazy Town,\u00a0stencil\u00a0the smallest pot with a rose using Beach Glass Satin; then stencil the medium-sized pot with leaves (use Spring Pasture first and then layer a single leaf using Scallion – GAAAAHHH!\u00a0 What?!?); then on the largest pot, stencil a rose in Jonquil (Wait!\u00a0 A rose OR a jonquil??\u00a0 No, a rose IN Jonquil, which is a\u00a0Martha Stewart trademarked color.\u00a0 SHOOT ALREADY.\u00a0 SHOOOOOT!!!!<\/em>).\u00a0 When dry, stencil the stems ON the Jonquil ROSE\u00a0with Spring Pasture.\u00a0 (Oh. Em. Gee!!!\u00a0\u00a0Why is there so much stenciling?!???\u00a0 Why are the paint colors named such annoying names???\u00a0 Why do I fall for this crap EVERY TIME?!??\u00a0 Why has no one taken aim yet?!?)<\/p>\n

Step 4: Once you’re done with the total B.S. of Martha Stewart Crafts (trademark\u00a0thingie) and her nonsensical paint names and her stencil crazy town, then…Oh.\u00a0 Wait.\u00a0 Hmmmm – I don’t think I’ll be making these after all.\u00a0 Because.\u00a0 That’s right.\u00a0 I HATE MARTHA STEWART!!!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I got an urgent email from Michael’s yesterday.\u00a0 [Ya know.\u00a0 Michael’s.\u00a0 It’s a craft store.\u00a0 Because I’m a crafter.\u00a0 And sometimes there’s urgent craft news.] It simultaneously got me excited and made me feel bad. I felt bad because: No, I’m not following Michael’s\u00a0on Pinterest.\u00a0 I just can’t bring myself to do the Pinterest thing.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1245"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1245"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1245\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1256,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1245\/revisions\/1256"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1245"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1245"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1245"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}