Well.\u00a0\u00a0Here we are.\u00a0\u00a0Almost done with P90X.\u00a0\u00a0And I’ve gotta confess…I’m feeling a bit Stockholm Syndrome-ish about the whole thing.\u00a0\u00a0I mean, how can\u00a0I face the exercise world WITHOUT Tony?\u00a0 Can I really\u00a0continue\u00a0with any sort of\u00a0competent,\u00a0self-directed exercise plan ON MY OWN??\u00a0\u00a0How can he just abandon me after all we’ve been through together???\u00a0\u00a0Whatever will I DO without my daily Tony Horton fix?!<\/p>\n
But then I remember that I HATE\u00a0Tony Horton.\u00a0 So it can’t be\u00a0Stockholm Syndrome after all.\u00a0 It’s the lesser known “I Hate Tony and his Mother F***ing P90X”\u00a0Syndrome.\u00a0 So it’s a good thing this b.s. is wrapping up asap.<\/p>\n
In the meantime, you know what is the most horrible thing in the world?\u00a0 The fact that we have to do my most-hated routines (Core Synergistics and Yoga) twice EACH in this\u00a0final, thirteenth (surprise!<\/a>)\u00a0week of P90X.\u00a0 You know how I feel about Core Synergistics because I’ve already blogged about it here<\/a> and here<\/a>.<\/p>\n But we never did get to discuss Yoga X, did we?\u00a0 Until NOW!\u00a0 (mwa ha ha – evil laugh)<\/p>\n First off…Yoga X is the most dreadful hour-and-a-half on the face of the earth because it takes AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!\u00a0 Kiss my fat, untoned a$$, Tony!\u00a0 I do NOT have that kind of time to spend with you!!<\/p>\n Secondly.\u00a0 If you make me do one more of your deadly Vinyasas?\u00a0 I’m gonna shove it in your upward (AND downward) facing dog!!!<\/p>\n And speaking of dogs.\u00a0 That part where we go from Plank to Chatarunga to Upward Facing Dog back to Downward Facing Dog?\u00a0 Yeah – that part where Tony said we could do push-ups in between all of those moves – or not??\u00a0 Uh….I always chose NOT!\u00a0\u00a0 Duh.\u00a0 That was a no-brainer.<\/p>\n In fact, if we skipped all of the parts where you could do a move – or not – we could essentially wrap the whole thing up in 16 minutes.\u00a0 Instead, Tony drones on and on in his creepy kindergarten-teacher-fighting-for-calm voice.\u00a0\u00a0 Ooooh-kaaaaaay boooys annnnnddd girrrrrrlllllzzzz.\u00a0 Time stands still.\u00a0 And I feel like I’m caught in a never-ending New Year’s Eve countdown.\u00a0 I glance constantly at the time countdown clock in the corner of the screen.\u00a0 Which never actually seems to move…….<\/p>\n “Nowwwww Kidddzzzzzz, place your left foot on the greeeeeen circle and your right hand on the redddddd circle and reach underneath yourrrrr legggg and grab your Thirrrrd Eye.”\u00a0\u00a0At this point I remember that I can’t do this move because…that’s right…I’m not a FREAK in the TONY HORTON FREAKSHOW!!!<\/p>\n Gaaaah!!!<\/p>\n There’s even this one part where you literally feel like you’re balancing yourself on your pinkie finger and pinkie toe (of your right hand and right foot…not even a right hand\/left foot “alternate sides” sort of thing – which might give you a little stability for fu**’s sake) and you’re sweatin’ like a MOTHER and you’re pretty sure there’s a spider running\u00a0in between your boobs (of course, you’re HOPING\u00a0it’s just a trickle-of-sweat,\u00a0but it sure-as-hell FEELS like a spider) and that circus music starts in your head.\u00a0\u00a0Slowly at first.\u00a0\u00a0And then it builds to a crescendo.\u00a0 Duhn\u00a0\u00a0 duhn\u00a0\u00a0 duh\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 duh\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 duh\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 duh\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 DUHN\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 duhn\u00a0 duh duh….DUHN duhn duh duh duh duh DUHN duhn duh duh.\u00a0 DUHN da da DA!\u00a0 DUHN da da DA.\u00a0 Duhnduhduhduhduhduhduhn!!!!\u00a0 And you’re wobbling back-and-forth like an SOB and now you know for a FACT how that poor elephant feels.<\/p>\n Which elephant?\u00a0 You know.\u00a0 That elephant-in-the-circus-who-precariously-teeters-around-on-that-little-ball-for-everyone’s-amusement??\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 That one.<\/p>\n At which point Tony’s voice breaks into your revery,\u00a0 “And that’s the end of moving poses.\u00a0 Now we’ll do FORTY MINUTES of\u00a0Standing Poses.”<\/p>\n Whaaaaa?!\u00a0 Whaaaa the FAAAAAHHHHHH?!??!\u00a0 BLEEP!!\u00a0 BLEEEEEEP!!!!<\/p>\n Despite my reaction,\u00a0Standing Poses are not (really) that bad.\u00a0 It’s just that you’ve gotta do them for forty minutes.\u00a0 After you’ve already done MOVING poses for FIFTY!!!\u00a0 And while I can do Tree Pose “all day long” (Tony’s words, not mine), Royal Dancer is actually my fave.\u00a0 During Royal Dancer, I begin to smell this fug coming off my clothes which is reminiscent of the fug associated with a\u00a0three-day strep throat fever.\u00a0 [No, the\u00a0smell ISN’T my favorite part of Royal Dancer.\u00a0\u00a0Wait for it…WAAAAITTT for it…..]<\/p>\n It’s the music.\u00a0 In my head.<\/p>\n Because once we get into Royal Dancer Pose, Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” song starts playing in my head.\u00a0 [NO!\u00a0 It’s not from the 80’s but do NOT mess with me here!!\u00a0 I will jack you up!!!\u00a0 I am NOT zen.\u00a0 NOT ZEN!!!\u00a0 So SHUT it.\u00a0 SHUT!\u00a0 IT!!!]<\/em><\/p>\n The song continues (hold me closer tiiiny daaancer<\/em>) until Tony messes with Audra’s “chi” (he claims he doesn’t, but we know differently because Audra flinches) and we all come out of Royal Dancer Pose (seee the headlights on the HIGHway<\/em>) in sympathy with Audra against that chi-busting Mo Fo, Tony.<\/p>\n But the very BEST part of Standing Poses?!?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Not the Child’s Pose, even though I do love me some Child’s Pose.<\/p>\n It’s the Shavasana.\u00a0 Or Corpse Pose.\u00a0 ‘Nuf said.\u00a0\u00a0 Also?\u00a0\u00a0Tony actually SHUTS UP.\u00a0\u00a0FOR A FULL MINUTE!!<\/p>\n After which\u00a0we curl up on our sides into Fetus Pose.\u00a0 And weep quietly into our smelly yoga mats which do not absorb sweat and whose antimicrobial properties have long since died a quiet death.<\/p>\n AND WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Well.\u00a0\u00a0Here we are.\u00a0\u00a0Almost done with P90X.\u00a0\u00a0And I’ve gotta confess…I’m feeling a bit Stockholm Syndrome-ish about the whole thing.\u00a0\u00a0I mean, how can\u00a0I face the exercise world WITHOUT Tony?\u00a0 Can I really\u00a0continue\u00a0with any sort of\u00a0competent,\u00a0self-directed exercise plan ON MY OWN??\u00a0\u00a0How can he just abandon me after all we’ve been through together???\u00a0\u00a0Whatever will I DO without my daily […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1223"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1223"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1223\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1230,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1223\/revisions\/1230"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1223"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1223"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1223"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}