Hi, 80’s?\u00a0 It’s me,\u00a0New Stay at Home Mom, calling.\u00a0 And you’ve got some ‘splainin to do.<\/p>\n
I mean, what were you thinking when you allowed that Flash Gordon movie to happen?!\u00a0 You had some really excellent stuff going on up to that point.\u00a0 I won’t even mention the music and the dance moves.\u00a0 Fuggedaboudit.\u00a0 And the brown\u00a0eye shadow?\u00a0 Which – when worn up to your eyebrows\u00a0– made you look both angry AND mean.\u00a0 Nicely done.\u00a0 And all of the stuff you did to cover the dawning belly pooch – paper bag waist jeans, low-slung belts, dropped waists?\u00a0 ‘Nuf said.<\/p>\n
Listen, I could go on-and-on here.\u00a0 But what I really called to say was that the Flash Gordon movie was a big mis-step on your part.\u00a0 The husband, kids and I caught some of it this week-end on t.v. and………Oh. My. Gawd!<\/p>\n
It is utterly atrocious.<\/p>\n
If you haven’t seen it in ….ooooh<\/em>….25 YEARS, you should go back for another look.<\/p>\n The costuming is so horrible that you can’t really tell who’s who and the kids spent the entire movie asking who\u00a0the bad guy was.\u00a0 “Is THAT a bad guy, Dad?”<\/p>\n “No, that’s King Vultan.”<\/p>\n King Vultan apparently is a GOOD guy with a bad\u00a0fake tan who\u00a0looks like the bearded strong man from an olde tyme circus – complete with gold baggy underpants and a wide belt.\u00a0 ‘Cept he’s wearing wings.\u00a0 Hawk wings.\u00a0 And a crown on his head with wings on it.\u00a0 There were so many wings going on, I thought for sure he was someone [pulled from the recesses of my brain<\/em>] called\u00a0Hawk Eye.\u00a0 But my husband informed me in that superior voice he adopts when he’s talking about Superheroes, that this\u00a0was NOT Hawkeye.\u00a0 Hawkeye was from Superman, not Flash Gordon.<\/p>\n Oh.\u00a0 Ok.\u00a0 Dork!<\/em><\/p>\n But then I found ways to make everyone say Hawk Eye because it totally sounds like Hot Guy.\u00a0 Which is funny.\u00a0 And you need to “funny” things up a bit (ok, alot) when you’re watching Flash Gordon.\u00a0 Otherwise you’d cry because it’s SO TERRIBLE!!!<\/p>\n The movie background – THE ENTIRE TIME – is an orange-ish sunset.\u00a0 Clearly they were relying on the costumes (not the background) to set the tone.\u00a0 And yes, the costumes do set a certain tone.\u00a0 A tone that should never, EVER have been set.\u00a0 There were\u00a0too many shoulder pads.\u00a0 And\u00a0too much gold lam\u00e9.\u00a0 And WAAAAAY too much skin.\u00a0 I mean, do people not wear clothes\u00a0in the future-which-may-not-be-the-future-but-which-may-actually-be-happening-now-but-on-another-planet???\u00a0\u00a0Everyone was wearing crazy\u00a0crap.\u00a0 Well, everyone except for Prince Baron (played by TIMOTHY DALTON I might add)\u00a0who was\u00a0wearing an outfit that looks like a cross between Robin Hood and Peter Pan.\u00a0 But mostly Peter Pan with no hat.\u00a0 He’s got no gold lam\u00e9, no inappropriate skin showing, no bizarre make-up of any kind.\u00a0\u00a0Just a cheesy, 80’s porno mustache which makes\u00a0it\u00a0hard to tell at first that it’s him.<\/p>\n Gawd.\u00a0 It’s horrible.\u00a0 There’s even this one part where Gordon’s love interest (Dale…wah, wah, waaaaaah – what a totally lame name for a superhero love interest) is wearing all gold lam\u00e9 with massive\u00a0SHOULDER PADS and is thrown into a room with a gold lam\u00e9 FLOOR.\u00a0 At which point she has a catfight with Ming-the-Merciless’ daughter who’s also wearing something horrible (‘cept it’s more of a gauzy I-Dream-of-Jeannie-meets-the-80’s type outfit) when a woman dressed like a jellyfish wearing a green bikini shows up to tell Dale (wah, wah, waaaaaah) that she must now prepare for her marriage to Ming.\u00a0 Fake knuckle biting ensues and Dale\u00a0cries (being careful not to actually cover her face too much nor muss her make-up with her\u00a0bad overacting) as she walks down the aisle to…a jazzed up version of “Here Comes the Bride”?!?<\/p>\n Which sounds like it’s being played by Queen.\u00a0 “Because it IS being played by Queen.\u00a0 The whole soundtrack is by Queen,” my husband informs me in his superior you-don’t-know-nuthin’-’bout-superheros-OR-Queen voice.<\/p>\n Gaaaah!!!<\/em><\/p>\n But all’s well that end’s well.\u00a0 Good triumphs over evil blah, blah,blah.\u00a0 The Hawkpeople (Hot People) come and a bad-special-effects laser battle (pew, pew!) ensues in front of an orange sunset.\u00a0\u00a0Flash helps out with this final battle by riding in on what looks oddly like a Sea-Do wave runner.\u00a0\u00a0There’s even this one special part where Hot Guy leading his Hot People (hee hee hee) yells “DIE” (in a Steve Martin die-you-gravy-sucking-pigs sort of way) but then all the Hot People plummet from the sky and land on their bellies (really?\u00a0 If you’re a Hot Person, wouldn’t you learn to land on your FEET, and not skitter in on your belly?!?).\u00a0 The kids and I thought the whole “DIE” thing was weird until Hubby informed us (you KNOW what voice he was using, don’t you?) that Hot Guy (hee hee hee) had yelled “DIVE” not “DIE.”<\/p>\n Oh.\u00a0 Ok.\u00a0 But it’s my opinion that it would have made a WAY better movie if he had yelled DIE!\u00a0 And it would have been EVEN BETTER if Steve Martin had been there in a white suit and an arrow through his head.\u00a0 It certainly wouldn’t have been any WORSE.<\/p>\n And now?\u00a0\u00a0Now my son is walking around\u00a0the house singing, “FLASH.\u00a0 AH-AAAAH!!!” (in that\u00a0faux operatic Queen style).\u00a0 You see, this\u00a0theme song from Flash Gordon which\u00a0has a total of two words –\u00a0one of which isn’t really a word – gets in your head AND WON’T GET OUT ALREADY!<\/p>\n So to sum up…..1980’s, you\u00a0were WAY\u00a0better than this.\u00a0\u00a0This was not your most shining moment.\u00a0 In fact, the entire movie should have been left on the cutting room floor.\u00a0 You shoulda said to yourself, “Flash??\u00a0 Nuh-AAAAH!!!”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hi, 80’s?\u00a0 It’s me,\u00a0New Stay at Home Mom, calling.\u00a0 And you’ve got some ‘splainin to do. I mean, what were you thinking when you allowed that Flash Gordon movie to happen?!\u00a0 You had some really excellent stuff going on up to that point.\u00a0 I won’t even mention the music and the dance moves.\u00a0 Fuggedaboudit.\u00a0 And […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1207"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1217,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207\/revisions\/1217"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1207"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1207"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1207"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}