Me to Hubby:\u00a0\u00a0“How do I look?”<\/p>\n
Hubby to me: “Fine.”<\/p>\n
I look absolutely ANYTHING but fine.\u00a0 But this man will not be phased.\u00a0 He uses\u00a0“fine” for just about everything – from how I looked on our wedding day to that time I was\u00a0shuffling to the bathroom before my in-and-out throat surgery.\u00a0 The bathroom is\u00a0totally visible to all the other patients sitting in their little partitions-open-to-the-front.\u00a0 I’m using one hand to push my I.V. along and the other to hold\u00a0my hospital gown closed;\u00a0I turn\u00a0to him and ask him if you can “see anything.”\u00a0 He says, “No, you’re\u00a0fine.”\u00a0 At which point I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror that’s mounted along one entire wall\u00a0of the day-surgery area and see my ENTIRE A$$\u00a0HANGING OUT OF MY HOSPITAL GOWN!!!\u00a0\u00a0“Yeah, folks.\u00a0 Bow-chic-a-wow-wow.\u00a0 Enjoy\u00a0the show.\u00a0\u00a0Me and my ‘fine’ a$$ have\u00a0to pee!”<\/p>\n
While that was a LONG time ago, nothing has changed.\u00a0\u00a0I still look “fine” to him.\u00a0 I’m wearing a silver hat with faux black fur poking out the front.\u00a0 It has ear flaps that snap under my chin.\u00a0 It’s complimented by a hand-crocheted green cowl scarf wound twenty times around my neck , a jacket that makes me look like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man\u00a0(‘cept in black), massively big exercise pants worn over top of my actual exercise pants and tucked into silver boots that have shiny black toes.\u00a0 Alpaca mittens with little alpacas on them cap off the look.\u00a0 For good measure I wear big movie star sunglasses to add a dash of mystery and glamour to the whole ensemble.<\/p>\n
It’s 9 degrees out and I’m getting ready to walk the new puppy.\u00a0 This is akin to walking a stuffed animal on a piece of a string.\u00a0 It mostly consists of dragging it along behind you, with the odd throw-it-out-in-front-and-then-catch-up-to-it manuever added\u00a0for fun.<\/p>\n
No, all you dog lovers, I don’t ACTUALLY pull the dog along behind me (much), so don’t report me.\u00a0 But the whole thing IS an exercise in tedium.\u00a0 Long catatonic pauses followed by\u00a0five-foot mad dashes are not my idea of fun.\u00a0 Added to\u00a0the fact that the dog is scared of absolutely EVERYTHING (the pine tree, car tires crunching on the snow, the\u00a0tiny, pretend-dog that exhorts him not to poop in that yard, the fifty MILLION birds that live in every other yard) and it’s no wonder\u00a0I long to get this over with and get at\u00a0the\u00a0day’s P90X assignment.<\/p>\n
And when it finally IS over?\u00a0 It looks like I’m returning from\u00a0a\u00a0demented shopping trip to the poop store, swinging my purchase jauntily from my wrist.\u00a0\u00a0“Yes, please, sir.\u00a0 I’ll have a half-pound of poop, sliced thin and wrapped up tight\u00a0to-go.\u00a0 And we’ll be back tomorrow!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Me to Hubby:\u00a0\u00a0“How do I look?” Hubby to me: “Fine.” I look absolutely ANYTHING but fine.\u00a0 But this man will not be phased.\u00a0 He uses\u00a0“fine” for just about everything – from how I looked on our wedding day to that time I was\u00a0shuffling to the bathroom before my in-and-out throat surgery.\u00a0 The bathroom is\u00a0totally visible […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1066"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1066"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1066\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1072,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1066\/revisions\/1072"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1066"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1066"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1066"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}