I had my dental hygiene check up this\u00a0morning.\u00a0 With Marge*.\u00a0 She was the “first available” hygienist since I had to cancel my previous appointment.\u00a0 It’s now\u00a0totally obvious to me why she was “first available” and why she won’t ever be “first available” for me again!<\/p>\n
Marge\u00a0is no less than 80.\u00a0 And\u00a0smells like smoke.\u00a0 Perhaps she’s actually 60 and just LOOKS\u00a080 because\u00a0she smokes?!?\u00a0 Either way, this is her second career and she comes in once a month to work with Dr. Chew.\u00a0(How funny is that?\u00a0 My dentist’s name is ACTUALLY Dr. Chew.\u00a0 I choose my dentists the way I choose my racehorses.\u00a0 All based on name.\u00a0 I find this to be a sound practice.)<\/p>\n
And Marge spent the first 5 minutes of the appointment SNEEZING INTO MY MOUTH!\u00a0 Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!<\/p>\n
She claimed she was allergic to\u00a0the mask (thank God she had a mask on.\u00a0 But STILL!) so she went to change masks.\u00a0 Then\u00a0proceeded to breathe heavily through the new mask as if she were in a P90X yoga class.\u00a0 I mean, she was LOUD.\u00a0 In fact I had to glance up at her a few times to make sure she hadn’t fallen asleep and was SNORING instead.<\/p>\n
Nope.\u00a0 Wide awake and looking down at me.\u00a0 Filling my entire field of vision with her ill-fitting goggles which\u00a0she had to keep pushing up on her nose.\u00a0 (Uh – Marge, I wasn’t ok with you sneezing into my mouth and now I’m ALSO not ok with you touching your nose\u00a0and putting your hands back into my mouth.\u00a0 Please get better goggles.\u00a0 And also?\u00a0 I’m not sure what you’re so worried will hop out of MY mouth and get you in the eye, but you should be LESS worried than I am.)<\/p>\n
Then we did\u00a0this gum-counting-thing where she checks every tooth with her dagger device and\u00a0shouts out numbers.\u00a0 (Let’s see, the super annuated perineum tooth is a 2-2-3.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It’s a 2-2-4!\u00a0 Oooh.\u00a0 4!!\u00a0\u00a0 Apparently 4 is bad and means my death-from-gum-disease is imminent.\u00a0\u00a0Oops.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Got that wrong.\u00a0 That tooth has always been a 4.\u00a0 Just loose gums on that particular chopper I guess.\u00a0 Phew!\u00a0 Good thing we cleared that up.)\u00a0 And she also checks for bleeding gums during this process.\u00a0 (No SH** my gums are bleeding, Marge.\u00a0 You’ve been POKING THEM WITH A DAGGER!!)<\/p>\n
But now\u00a0SHE’S DEMONSTRATING HER SMOKER’S COUGH…DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH!!!!!\u00a0\u00a0 GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!<\/p>\n
And I can’t flinch\u00a0my head away because she snuck\u00a0up from behind and literally has my head in that head-lock move they had to put Dr. Hannibal Lechter in BEFORE they put that face mask on him.\u00a0\u00a0Is this even a REAL hygienist move learned at a REAL school and sanctioned by the Dental Hygienists’ Union??\u00a0 Or has Marge just “been around teeth” so long that they let her work on them any-old-way\u00a0for minimum pay once a month?!<\/p>\n
But I have to say the head-lock move was SLIGHTLY better than the “gold watch pressed (PRESSSSSSSED) into the forehead” move the dentist from my youth used to use.\u00a0 (Hi Sissies!\u00a0 Remember we were just talking about this?)<\/p>\n
And the gold watch\u00a0move was a MILLION times\u00a0better than the “resting the right forearm across my chest” move Marge employed shortly after the headlock.\u00a0 I couldn’t concentrate on all her\u00a0coughing because I was worried I was being molested;\u00a0And\u00a0was too busy with all my subsequent\u00a0self-talk about\u00a0lines-not-to-be-crossed.\u00a0\u00a0As in, “ok, if her arm goes ANY further, she’ll get nipple and then I’ll KNOW I’m being molested and then I’ll have to say something.\u00a0\u00a0 But only then.\u00a0 Not now.\u00a0 Her arm is still in a (perhaps\u00a0reasonable and authorized) chest slash top-of-breast area.\u00a0 No nipple yet.\u00a0 Still no.”<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 At which point she claimed someone has taken her polisher and that she would be “right back.”\u00a0 She was\u00a0actually gone\u00a05 minutes and\u00a0smelled even MORE like smoke when she got back.<\/p>\n “Ok.\u00a0 Did she just take a SMOKE break?!?\u00a0 While pretending she was looking for a machine part?\u00a0 I don’t think this can be right.\u00a0 Are they allowed to take SMOKE BREAKS?!?\u00a0 Right NOW???\u00a0 If she takes another one, I’ll have to say something.\u00a0 Not now.\u00a0 Not right now.\u00a0 Still no.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n But I do have something positive to share about the whole experience.\u00a0 Marge\u00a0was the FIRST hygenist who actually wiped OFF of my nose and face all the crap she splattered ONTO my nose and face.\u00a0 Usually they just let me\u00a0walk\u00a0out with toothpaste\u00a0flecks\u00a0and flossing detritus all over me.\u00a0 Not cool.<\/p>\n What’s also not\u00a0cool?\u00a0 While Marge got my nose (she was oddly\u00a0thorough with my nose.\u00a0 So thorough in fact, that I thought we might have entered a\u00a0“bonus facial” portion of the visit), she totally missed the bloody gum-chunk sitting right on my neck.\u00a0 GAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!<\/p>\n (NOTE TO SELF: Don’t wear\u00a0cowl necks to\u00a0the dentist.\u00a0 And don’t see\u00a0Marge at the dentist.\u00a0 And pick a different dentist.\u00a0 The way you pick dentists is dumb.\u00a0 Totally, totally dumb.\u00a0 In fact, screw the teeth.\u00a0 Go get a facial instead.)<\/p>\n *Marge’s name was changed to protect the innocent.\u00a0 Her real name is\u00a0Lucy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I had my dental hygiene check up this\u00a0morning.\u00a0 With Marge*.\u00a0 She was the “first available” hygienist since I had to cancel my previous appointment.\u00a0 It’s now\u00a0totally obvious to me why she was “first available” and why she won’t ever be “first available” for me again! Marge\u00a0is no less than 80.\u00a0 And\u00a0smells like smoke.\u00a0 Perhaps she’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1039"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1049,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039\/revisions\/1049"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1039"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1039"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newstayathomemom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1039"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}