Have you seen this show?  It’s the best idea. EVER!

First off, the name alone means it’s gonna be great.  Cookery?!  ‘Nuf said.  Sooooo much more romantic than plain, ole’ American “cook-ing”.  And it’s filmed in Gordon Ramsey’s converted barn in some English countryside manor-home somewhere.  And it stars GORDON RAMSEY!

Hell, they could’ve called it Ripper Street Cookery Course (have you noticed that anything having to do with Jack the Ripper is still really HOT across the pond?  Weirdos.), but if it’s filming from Gordon’s window-y, converted barn AND Gordon is the star?  I’m in.  No questions asked.  I can’t get enough of his sensitive Yorkshire Ruffian persona.  But that may just be me.  I also think pirates are hot.

I digress.  Back to best idea.  EVER!  He’s gonna teach me!  Little ol’ jobless, home mom me (what up, what up!  Home Mom keepin’ it real in C to the O), how to gain cooking confidence.  AND?  He’s gonna share with me his top 100 recipes to make me a much better cook.

OMG!!!  Now I’m feeling like the screaming Beetles fan of cookery courses, all worked into a tizzy.

Simple, accessible recipes and Gordon’s gonna be “holding me by the hand” the whole way. (mmmmm hmmmmm – I am not opposed to accessible hand holding, you ruffian!)

But first off, he’s gonna teach me some quick tips on de-heading and de-boning our own salmon filet.  Whaaaaaa??!  Whaaaa the fuhhhhhh?!??

Ok, he pronounced it fih-lETT which is super cool, but I already KNOW how to de-head and de-bone a salmon fih-lETT.  It’s called going to Whole Foods and buying it de-headed and de-boned from the man-in-the-soiled-apron behind the counter.

[do you remember that Meatloaf song “I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That”?  Well, now it’s stuck in my head and my version goes like this: “I would do anything to cook with Gordon Ramsey, but I won’t do THAT!”]  We don’t do THAT in this country, Gordon.

So that segment was a bit of a bust, but we’re moving on to making spicy, home-made chutney you can keep in your icebox (Icebox?  Did you catch that?  Aaaaaahhhhh!  And CHUTNEY???  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  How quickly we transform from disillusionment back into screaming cookery superfan).

The whole chutney scene takes up most of the rest of the segment.  Stiiickky.  SpiIIICY.  CHUTNEY!!

And when it’s done?  Gordon lusciously serves…a tablespoon of it with three slices of ham on a plate.

Whaaaaa?!  A tablespoon of sticky, spicy chutney served alongside three slices of rolled-up ham on a plate??  Are you shi**in’ me, Gordon?!?

This is why you folks lost the war.