I have received no less than three mailed letters informing me that, due to federal budget cuts on or after April 28, 2013*, my unemployment compensation will be reduced by 18.2%.

Uh…ok.  18.2%?  That’s pretty specific.  Methinks someone’s been feverishly doin’ some math in the back room.

In which case, here’s an open notice to the math wiz:  HOW ABOUT STOP SENDING STUPID EXPENSIVE LETTERS THROUGH THE MAIL AND KEEP MY UNEMPLOYMENT COMPENSATION THE SAME?!??

I mean, come on!!  It’s not MY responsibility to keep the U.S. Postal Service in business.  Survival of the fittest, I say!  Darwinian theory!  Free market trade!!  Laissez-faire economics and ALL THAT JAZZ!!!

Who’s with me?  Revolt!  REVOLT!!!  Let’s add a smidge of that olde-time competition into the U.S. Postal Service mix and see what happens as stamp prices drop and service improves.  After all, this concept is what our great country is founded on.  That – and having the unemployed on the dole.

Speaking of which…enough about our great country…back to me…

Here is an example of one of the three mailed letters I recently received.  I have not changed a single, solitary word:

NOTICE OF DECISION [Oh, ok.  I didn’t even know anything was being DISCUSSED!  So it comes as a bit of a shock that you’ve arrived at a DECISION already.  But nonetheless, I have a feeling in my bones that it’s going to be a good decision.  Because you ALWAYS make good, solid decisions.]

Section of Law Used:  Colorado Unemployment Security Act, Supp App Act 2008 T IV EUC PL 110-252 [Oh.  Ok.  In fact after reading THAT, I’m GLAD I didn’t know anything was being discussed ’cause I have NO idea what you just said.  Unless it was in Spanish?  In which case, I need to press numero uno to get someone English-speaking on the line.  How much are we paying for THAT nifty feature, I wonder?!]

Decision:  [Oh my goodness!  Oh my GOODNESS!  Here we go!  HERE WE GO!!!  This is gonna be good.  But first, what’s up with all the caps?!?  Don’t my peeps at the Department of Labor know that “all caps” conveys a shout-y tone of voice?  Which is kinda de-motivating in the way the teacher’s red pen marks on your test are de-motivating.  In fact, they should have just done their “all caps” in a nice bright red to get the horror out-of-the-way all at once.]  WE CAN STILL PAY YOU FEDERAL EXTENDED BENEFITS (ALSO CALLED EMERGENCY UNEMPLOYMENT COMPENSATION OR EUC).  BY LAW, WE HAD TO CHECK WETHER YOU NEED TO SWITCH TO A CLAIM FOR REGULAR BENEFITS.  WE CANNOT PAY YOU ON A NEW CLAIM BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT GONE BACK TO WORK AND EARNED $2,000.  ONCE YOU RETURN TO WORK AND EARN $2,000, YOU MAY NEED TO SWITCH TO A CLAIM FOR REGULAR BENEFITS IF YOU ARE OUT OF WORK AGAIN.  AT THAT TIME, YOU MUST CALL US SO THAT WE CAN GO OVER YOUR CLAIM WITH YOU.  REMEMBER THAT YOU MUST MEET THE REQUIREMENTS OF THE LAW.

[What?!?  What.  The.  F^^^??!  Am I supposed to DO something??  Or just continue to sit here collecting the dole?!?  This is confusing.  Numero uno!  NUMERO UNO!!!!!!)

* What was happening BEFORE April 28, 2013?!?  Were most folks on the way to the post office doin’ the Charleston and singing, “We’re in the money!”??!