We continue our celebration of Week 12 of P90X by taking a closer look at:

World Famous Karen Potstirrers…

[I can see the surprise on your face; you didn’t see this coming, did you?]

When you’ve targeted your “glamour” muscles enough (shoulders, eyelashes, biceps etc. – Hey!  I didn’t name them the glamour muscles.  T-dog did.) and they’re cramped and  even your fingers can no longer go on…you throw in some World Famous Karen Potstirrers to loosen everything up.

I don’t know who Karen is.  I don’t think we meet her in any of the dvd’s.  But she must be awesome to have a stretch named after her!  Just friggin’ awesome.

Karen’s Potstirrers consist of us bending at the waist.  We pretend that first-the-left-arm-then-the-right-arm is stirring an entire vat of soup.  What makes this stretch so enjoyable is that Tony and his Flying Monkeys always do this shtick wherein they NAME the soup they’re stirring.  It’s so funny I forgot to laugh.

Tony will ask, “what kinda soup ya makin’?” and the cute, greasy-haired German girl will reply with a flawless “vee vill ask zee qwestions” accent, “German Potato Soup, Sieg Heil!”

Then some buff dope in the back will say “Okra Stew.”

[Shut it!]

Then Tony will say, “Lobster Bisque.”

[Really?!  Who are you kidding?  You haven’t had dairy since 1987.  And there’s no way you’d ever MAKE or EAT lobster bisque.]

You know what I’m stirring up?  For a change-of-pace I’m stirring up some PIE.  So that I can shove it in your pie-hole, Tony, and shut you up already!!!

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Food Update: (why am I doing a daily Food Update?  If you recall, I shot my big mouth off and said I could go TWO WHOLE WEEKS without going to the grocery store.  Now I’m not even a week into this and we’re down to our last gallon of milk and I’m starting to feel a vague sense of panic.)

• Breakfast – I had a yogurt and 11 cups of coffee.  It was a snow day for the kids so they were on their own while I was locked in the computer room doing the taxes.  But judging from what was left on the table THAT NO ONE CLEARED AWAY EXCEPT FOR ME, I believe they each had a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice.  Husband?  No idea what he had.  He slipped out the door after he shoveled the driveway.  And disappeared into thin air so he wouldn’t have to get involved with the snow day nonsense.
• Lunch – Pulled pork sandwiches on from-the-freezer-to-the-table-in-5-minutes freshly baked rolls, grapes and chocolate ice-cream cone carrot sticks (this is a fun way to dress up plain ol’ carrot sticks by placing a black olive on the end and calling them “chocolate ice-cream cone carrot sticks.”  It’s cute and creative, right?  Right?!)
• Dinner – Individual shepherd’s pies served in french onion soup crocks.  Am I awesome or what?!  In the process, I used up left-over: sloppy joe meat AND pulled pork, frozen mashed potatoes, frozen corn-on-the-cob from last summer, frozen peas.  Served it with freshly baked bread (dough thawed from the freezer that a.m.).  Had home-made apple crumble topped with vanilla ice-cream for dessert.  Again…am I good, or am I good??!  I think that might have been a swan song of sorts because now I’m wondering if I should have SAVED the ice-cream so I could melt it down to make milk if we run out of milk?  But we’re kinda low on the ice-cream now too.  So maybe I could melt down cream cheese instead?  We have plenty of that.  But it might be kind of thick…so I might mix it with water.  Just throwing out some ideas.  Not making any decisions yet.  We’ll see how the milk holds up first.

[Remember to act surprised, dammit!]

We continue our celebration of Week 12 of P90X with a deep-dive into Ballistic Stretches.  Or as I call them: Total B.S.

Clearly Tony has run out of things to do to occupy us, so he’s just throwing in some Total B.S. to fill up time.

It completely reminds me of “Stations” in highschool gym class.   “Stations” was the day – once a semester or so – when the gym teachers were so exhausted from intro-ing us to square dancing, jazzercise, badminton etc that they just gave up and had nothing planned.  Instead, they set up “Stations” around the gym.  Which basically consisted of 1) that metal contraption that houses the basketballs placed by ONE basketball net pulled down from the rafters; 2) some orange cones lined up in the other corner of the gym for scooter races (but no scooters); 3) some mats set on the floor by the “ropes” (not that we would EVER voluntarily do anything THERE!).

I always preferred the unofficial “Station” located on the bleachers.  Huddled with the other Senior girls.  Where we compared hairstyles and talked about all the kids dopey enough to actually change into their gym clothes during “Stations.”

I mean, really.  What a waste of time!!!

Which is what Tony is doing when he throws in some Ballistic Stretches – which are basically just circles-in-the-air you make with your arms, and/or arm-wrap-arounds applied to your upper body.  Or as Tony calls it, “the lovin’ and the huggin’ of thyself.”  Said in his demented, faux-preacher voice.  Gaaah!  It’s just so horrible I can’t even talk about it anymore.  Other than to say that I’m a total dumba$$ for having gotten changed into my gym clothes for this B.S., Tony.

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Food Update (from Monday):

• Breakfast – cinnamon french toast stick things, bacon, juice.
• Lunch – I packed the kids noodle cups, clementines, Easter candy.  I met some girlfriends for lunch at a Mexican restaurant (which is not a grocery store so I’m still flying within the established parameters.  Eat it, Yoshi!).  I have no idea what Hubby did for lunch.  Not my problem.
• Dinner – nachos, bean-and-cheese burritos, pea-pods, orange creamsicle frosted cookies.  Yes, a bit on the lame side…but I finished strong and that’s all that matters.

[Remember: Act surprised.]

This is it, Folks…Week 12 of P90X!!!

And to celebrate, I’ve decided to take a deep dive into some of my favorite exercises.

First up, Star Blocks.

This fun time can be found in the Kenpo X dvd.

It’s a series of FIVE arm moves which are REALLY confusing.  First we stab the corner of the room (Tony’s words, not mine), then we stab the other corner of the room.  [Then I stab Tony Horton AND Wesley lurching around in the back.]  Those are MY words this time.  Too violent?  Naw!

Then swish, swish, swish and step forward.  Whaaaaa?  Whaaaa was that?!?  I was too busy stabbing people with my homemade Jersey Girl shiv and missed all of that.  Ok, focus.  Focus.

First we stab the corner of the room (Tony).  Then we stab the other corner of the room (Wesley).  Then swish, swish, swish and this time our left arm ends up below our waist by our upper thigh.  Wait.  Whaaaaa?!  Why am I TWELVE WEEKS into this and I still can’t get this move?!??

So instead of stabbing all the people I want to stab, I fly away in my head to my Jane Fonda aerobics glory days.  She’s wearing a black leotard with a belt, over top of black lacy tights.  And black suede ankle booties.  It’s the most ludicrous work-out outfit in the history of time, but put a little 80’s dance beat with the moves?  And I catch on to every one (and they’re still stored somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain; wonder what else may have fallen out in the meantime).  I mean, I could aerobicize with Jane to hell and back and rock it all the way.  In fact, I’m doing it right now until all the stabbing is over.

When I’m with Tony?  I can NOT catch on to this sh**.  It’s like I’ve gone to hell.  And I haven’t come back.

So Tony?  Here’s some advice for you.  Take THAT.  And THAT!  And even THAT!!!

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FOOD UPDATE for Sunday (Remember?  I’m not going to the store for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!):

• Breakfast – Donuts bought at the local donut shop as a final good-bye to Spring Break. [THE DONUT SHOP IS NOT CONSIDERED A GROCERY STORE SO ZIP IT!]
• Lunch – Picnic at the park (ham sandwiches made with ham leftover from Easter, pickles, clementines, chips, Easter candy).
• Dinner – Individual pepperoni pizzas with a nice salad followed by baked bananas topped with melted Hershey’s kisses, marshmallows and vanilla ice cream.  Like Mom always said: end with a great dessert and nobody knows the difference!  A healthy approach I’m determined to follow.  Rockin’ it!!!

It’s come to my attention that some Spring Breaker on this end has been screwing around with the computer and has been inadvertently publishing unfinished draft blog posts.  Which you may have been getting delivered  directly to your inbox.  Which may have puzzled you since they were clearly unfinished.  And in DRAFT mode, complete with misspellings etc.

So…just wanted to clear that up and let you know that I haven’t lost my mind altogether.

And, three other things while I have your attention:

1. Screw the Staycation concept!  It’s a bunch of CRAP!  I’m trying to put a positive face on the whole thing, but it is in NO WAY comparable to actually being on the white sand beaches of Mexico.
2. Act surprised next week when I post a series of insightful P90X comments aimed at celebrating Week 12 of my efforts in this area (ooooh – what’s it gonna be?!  Can’t wait!).
3. If you haven’t already, please sign up to receive my blog posts delivered directly to your email inbox.  It’s a non-stop party.

Thank you.  And you are now free to move about the cabin.

Did anyone see this latest season of Biggest Loser?  I did.  Well, actually, only one episode.  But it was a gem – filled with life lessons and pratfalls.  Just the way I like it!

In this particular episode, one of the chicks has finished up her grueling workout on the treadmill.  Celebrating her success…she made it through!  Rockin’ it!!!!

The trainer dude walks away from her while tossing off the comment, “The treadmill is still running.”  Treadmill Chick acknowledges, wipes her brow and then steps RIGHT ON THE TREADMILL THAT’S STILL RUNNING!

BA-BOOM!!! 

She crashes to the ground and rolls around on the floor like a turtle with its soft underbelly exposed.

This whole scene is a perfect metaphor for my New Stay at Home Mom life.  I’m rockin’ it.  What up, what up?!  Home Mom in the house!  Doin’ it all AND savin’ money.  Wow!  I’m good.  7+ months into this gig, and maybe I’ve made it through the rain?  I know I kept my point of view.  I made it through the rain…and found myself respected…by the others WHOOO got rained on TOO and made it throooooooogh! (Barry Manilow, late 1980.  Once again I’ve proven my point that there’s an 80’s song for every moment of life.  Eat it, Yoshi!)

BA-BOOM!!!

Whaaaaa?  Whaaaaaaa happened?!??  [tweet, tweet, tweet go the birds circling around my head]

My grocery bill was HOW MUCH?!!?  $258?!??!!  Oh-Em-Geeeee!!!!

Ok.  Something has to change RIGHT NOW!  I canNOT incur another bill like that.  That’s ridiculous.  We don’t need MORE food in this house.  I’m like the Doomsday Prepper of food, for Heaven’s sake!  My family could live on what we have in our fridge/freezer/pantry for 2 weeks ALONE (if not even longer) without me going to the store again.

What’s that?  Challenge extended??!

And???…

Challenge accepted!

Starting now, no trips to the grocery store.  Two weeks.  We’re living off the fat of our land…uh, house.  And for fun?  I’ll document our success via this blog.

Yesterday’s meals:

• Breakfast = cinnamon raisin bagels and cheesy scrambled eggs mixed with leftover Easter ham.
• Lunch = kids were at Staycation camp learning golf and got a “free” lunch there.  Hubby and I went to Freddy’s for a burger and fries.  Whaaa?!?  Whaaaa happened?!?  Ok, starting now!  No NOW!!
• Dinner = I served the family mac n’ cheese, peas and applesauce.  I ate half a turkey sandwich left over from Best Day Ever lunch.  Dessert was Bananas Foster over vanilla ice cream.

Rockin’ it.  Home Mom in the house!  What up, what up?!??

Sonny and I took a nice, long walk with the dog.  During which he updated me on the golf camp he and Sissy are taking as part of our Spring Break Staycation.  He has never taken an official golf lesson before – or played any real golf.  Below are his musings on the topic:

“The people make it look WAY easier than it really is.”

[Mmm hmmm, that they do!  This is all part of the problem with golf.]

“And you think you’re gonna hit the ball really hard…but then it just goes ‘boop’.” (here he holds up his thumb and forefinger and shows me a distance of two inches)

[Yes, the “boop effect” is also part of the golf problem.] 

“But they have all these sharp sticks.  As many as you want or can put in your pockets.”

[Bonus!  I knew there was a silver lining with golf.]

ME:  “The sharp sticks have a name, do you know what they’re called?”

Sonny:  “Tees.”

ME:  “Good.  Do you know how that’s spelled?”  (They’ve been working on homophones at school so I was thinking he was going to mistake the spelling for t-e-a-s-e.)

Sonny: “T”

[Another problem id’d with golf.  Too much tricky spelling.  Dumb it down already.]

Still Sonny:  “And you know what else, Mom?  Don’t try to sharpen a pen in the pencil sharpener.  Ink squirts out the back.”

[And there you have it.  Everything you need to know as a Golf Newbie.  Especially that part about the ink.  Don’t do that.  That sounds like a bad plan.]

In honor of a favorite Sponge Bob Squarepants’ episode of ours entitled “The Best Day Ever”…for Spring Break, we decided to create  our OWN best day ever.  The day consisted of:

• Watching cartoons in p.j.’s all morning
• Going indoor skydiving
• Going to lunch at Red Robin and getting milkshakes
• Watching videos of the kids as babies
• Taking the dog for a walk (reality has to intrude sometime)
• Jumping on the neighbor’s trampoline (It’s fine; it’s NOT a lawsuit waiting to happen.  In fact, they encourage the kids to come to their trampoline by lining it with sharp rocks.  See?  Totally fine.)
• Having junk food night (where you eat all junk all the time – a variety of chips, Easter candy, cookies etc. until you’re sick to your stomach.  Good times.)
• Having movie night (simultaneously WITH junk food night.  It doesn’t get any better than that!)
• Going to bed without taking a shower

The best day ever, 9-and-10-year-old-style.

MY best day ever?  Would consist of sleeping until noon.  Staying in my p.j.’s all day.  Taking a nap from 2 to 4.  Getting started with junk food slash movie night as soon as the nap was over (the kids are on to something with this one-two punch).  I’d totally skip my date with Tony Horton and I’d maybe fit in reading a trashy romance novel.  Who’s with me??!  It’s the besssst daaaaaay EeeeVVVVEEERRRRR!

Don’t get me wrong.  I actually LIKE this P90X dvd.  It’s just that we have Wesley in the back of the gym who’s acting like Frankenstein fresh out of surgery.  And I worry the WHOLE time that he won’t be able to swing his arms around in time to complete the jab-hook-cross-uppercut sequence.  I mean, it’s SOOOO distracting I can’t focus on anything else.

Except for the repetition-countdown-clock in the lower left corner of the screen.  That I watch like a FRIGGIN’ HAWK!  And ya know what?  Tony spends the whole time trying to pull a fast one on us.  He constantly does one or two more reps than we’ve accounted for.  CUT THAT CRAP OUT RIGHT NOW, Tone-ster.  None of us are here to challenge ourselves.  We’re here to survive.  And in Wesley’s case, he’s busy just trying to remember where he left his black orthopedic shoes and turtleneck.

Instead of your rep-rip-off scam, Tony, why don’t you focus more on coming up with creative Kenpo-specific exercises?

You see, there comes this point in the dvd where he clearly runs out of things to do and it suddenly becomes “X Time.”  Basically “X Time” is an airborne spread eagle done over and over again.  There may be some “power noises” we’re also required to make during “X Time.”  My power noises may sound suspiciously like swearwords aimed specifically at Tony’s manhood.  But aside from the “power noises” I’m not sure what the rest of “X Time” has to do with martial arts.  So KNOCK IT OFF!  It’s way too pee-provoking and I don’t care if we’re trying to buy Wesley some time as he lurches around in the background towelling off.  More karate, less jumping.  Now back to work!

And speaking of WORK, if I had a job I wouldn’t be doing ANY of this nonsense.  So…more jobs, less nonsense!

But until that job arrives…while I’m mostly focused on Wesley (and Tony natch), I do have to mention that there are two other folks in this dvd.  One is a red-haired chick named Vanessa.  All I know about her is that she’s engaged to a dude in another P90X dvd.  In fact, I think he’s in the Ab Ripper X dvd.  So I see him quite frequently.  Perhaps more frequently than Vanessa does?  Either way, it’s best that they’re together.  I find that fit, Tony-Hortonish people should marry and have fit, Tony-Hortonish babies and leave the rest of us out of it.

Finally, there’s Tony 2.  He’s #2 because he’s also super fit and fanatical about it?  No.  Oh, he’s ALSO named Tony!  Noooo.  That’s not vain in any way, Tony 1.

And Tony 2 is of the Dominic from the Plyometrics dvd school of torture.  Everything he does is way over the top and executed with military precision (he’s a former marine who looks and acts like Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame).  So unlike Dominic, he might actually put up a fight when we jump him in the parking lot after class.  But that’s ok.  I almost have my jab-hook-cross-uppercut sequence perfected.  Wesley won’t be joining us.