Yoga X

Well.  Here we are.  Almost done with P90X.  And I’ve gotta confess…I’m feeling a bit Stockholm Syndrome-ish about the whole thing.  I mean, how can I face the exercise world WITHOUT Tony?  Can I really continue with any sort of competent, self-directed exercise plan ON MY OWN??  How can he just abandon me after all we’ve been through together???  Whatever will I DO without my daily Tony Horton fix?!

But then I remember that I HATE Tony Horton.  So it can’t be Stockholm Syndrome after all.  It’s the lesser known “I Hate Tony and his Mother F***ing P90X” Syndrome.  So it’s a good thing this b.s. is wrapping up asap.

In the meantime, you know what is the most horrible thing in the world?  The fact that we have to do my most-hated routines (Core Synergistics and Yoga) twice EACH in this final, thirteenth (surprise!) week of P90X.  You know how I feel about Core Synergistics because I’ve already blogged about it here and here.

But we never did get to discuss Yoga X, did we?  Until NOW!  (mwa ha ha – evil laugh)

First off…Yoga X is the most dreadful hour-and-a-half on the face of the earth because it takes AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!  Kiss my fat, untoned a$$, Tony!  I do NOT have that kind of time to spend with you!!

Secondly.  If you make me do one more of your deadly Vinyasas?  I’m gonna shove it in your upward (AND downward) facing dog!!!

And speaking of dogs.  That part where we go from Plank to Chatarunga to Upward Facing Dog back to Downward Facing Dog?  Yeah – that part where Tony said we could do push-ups in between all of those moves – or not??  Uh….I always chose NOT!   Duh.  That was a no-brainer.

In fact, if we skipped all of the parts where you could do a move – or not – we could essentially wrap the whole thing up in 16 minutes.  Instead, Tony drones on and on in his creepy kindergarten-teacher-fighting-for-calm voice.   Ooooh-kaaaaaay boooys annnnnddd girrrrrrlllllzzzz.  Time stands still.  And I feel like I’m caught in a never-ending New Year’s Eve countdown.  I glance constantly at the time countdown clock in the corner of the screen.  Which never actually seems to move…….

“Nowwwww Kidddzzzzzz, place your left foot on the greeeeeen circle and your right hand on the redddddd circle and reach underneath yourrrrr legggg and grab your Thirrrrd Eye.”  At this point I remember that I can’t do this move because…that’s right…I’m not a FREAK in the TONY HORTON FREAKSHOW!!!

Gaaaah!!!

There’s even this one part where you literally feel like you’re balancing yourself on your pinkie finger and pinkie toe (of your right hand and right foot…not even a right hand/left foot “alternate sides” sort of thing – which might give you a little stability for fu**’s sake) and you’re sweatin’ like a MOTHER and you’re pretty sure there’s a spider running in between your boobs (of course, you’re HOPING it’s just a trickle-of-sweat, but it sure-as-hell FEELS like a spider) and that circus music starts in your head.  Slowly at first.  And then it builds to a crescendo.  Duhn   duhn   duh    duh    duh    duh    DUHN    duhn  duh duh….DUHN duhn duh duh duh duh DUHN duhn duh duh.  DUHN da da DA!  DUHN da da DA.  Duhnduhduhduhduhduhduhn!!!!  And you’re wobbling back-and-forth like an SOB and now you know for a FACT how that poor elephant feels.

Which elephant?  You know.  That elephant-in-the-circus-who-precariously-teeters-around-on-that-little-ball-for-everyone’s-amusement??  Yeah.  That one.

At which point Tony’s voice breaks into your revery,  “And that’s the end of moving poses.  Now we’ll do FORTY MINUTES of Standing Poses.”

Whaaaaa?!  Whaaaa the FAAAAAHHHHHH?!??!  BLEEP!!  BLEEEEEEP!!!!

Despite my reaction, Standing Poses are not (really) that bad.  It’s just that you’ve gotta do them for forty minutes.  After you’ve already done MOVING poses for FIFTY!!!  And while I can do Tree Pose “all day long” (Tony’s words, not mine), Royal Dancer is actually my fave.  During Royal Dancer, I begin to smell this fug coming off my clothes which is reminiscent of the fug associated with a three-day strep throat fever.  [No, the smell ISN’T my favorite part of Royal Dancer.  Wait for it…WAAAAITTT for it…..]

It’s the music.  In my head.

Because once we get into Royal Dancer Pose, Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” song starts playing in my head.  [NO!  It’s not from the 80’s but do NOT mess with me here!!  I will jack you up!!!  I am NOT zen.  NOT ZEN!!!  So SHUT it.  SHUT!  IT!!!]

The song continues (hold me closer tiiiny daaancer) until Tony messes with Audra’s “chi” (he claims he doesn’t, but we know differently because Audra flinches) and we all come out of Royal Dancer Pose (seee the headlights on the HIGHway) in sympathy with Audra against that chi-busting Mo Fo, Tony.

But the very BEST part of Standing Poses?!?  No.  Not the Child’s Pose, even though I do love me some Child’s Pose.

It’s the Shavasana.  Or Corpse Pose.  ‘Nuf said.   Also?  Tony actually SHUTS UP.  FOR A FULL MINUTE!!

After which we curl up on our sides into Fetus Pose.  And weep quietly into our smelly yoga mats which do not absorb sweat and whose antimicrobial properties have long since died a quiet death.

AND WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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