Me: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…who is the LEAST crafty mom of all?
Mirror: YOU ARE, NEW STAY AT HOME MOM!
To set the scene: Daughter had a Sock Hop Sunday night. I checked around with all the neighbors to see if they had a poodle skirt we could borrow. Bust. I checked with various same-sized-daughter friends to see if they had a poodle skirt we could borrow. Bust. I traveled to D.C. for my mother’s birthday party and in the process raided TWO nieces’ closets in the hopes of finding a poodle skirt. Big FAT FLIPPIN’ BUST!!!!
Duh-duh-duh-daaaaah. Not to fear! Least crafty mom is here!!
“Hey, I have TIME! AND an MBA…I’ll make a poodle skirt. How hard can it be?! I’m sure there’s something on the internet I can use.”
Turns out people BLOG about poodle skirts. Super. Easy. Poodle skirts!!! No less than a dozen blogs later and I still can’t figure out how the math symbol PI has anything to do with anything and I’m busy collecting the parts of my brain that juiced out of my ears after my head imploded. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH MATH INVOLVED IN MAKING A CIRCLE SKIRT?!??! Screw you, CIRCUMFERENCE! AND the horse you rode in on!!!
And all you poodle skirt bloggers out there? GET JOBS! You SUCK!!!
Because it turns out that taking a waist measurement and dividing it by 4 and then cutting out a waistmeasurementdividedby4 smaller circle on top of the howlongyouwanttheskirttohang bigger circle (which is already too short because I cut it out using a big, dumb, jerry-rigged protractor on the short side of the fabric instead of the LONG side. GAAAAHHhhh!) doesn’t ACTUALLY RESULT in an appropriately sized, no-sew waist. It results in a waist that slips down over the head and keeps right on going to the floor where it lands with a plop and looks like the waist of a Christmas Tree skirt!!!! At which point the easy, no-sew skirt becomes the massive sewing project of the century.
Poodle applique: $3.78 (using a 40% off coupon at Jo-Anns)
Ribbon: $0.58 (full-price. Screw it. I can’t be bothered to find a coupon for 50 cents)
Felt: $4.02 (40% off coupon at Jo-Anns. Separate trip from the poodle applique trip. BLEEEEEEP!)
Elastic waistband: $3.93 (40% off coupon at Jo-Anns. Yes, a THIRD trip for this crap. AND? They wouldn’t honor my 50% off coupon because THIS WASN’T CONSIDERED A FABRIC!!!)
Thread: $1.46 (25% off entire purchase. ALSO purchased at Jo-Anns. Don’t even say it. I’m warning you.)
My time: 5 HOURS/$250 (5 hours x the $50 per hour I COULD have been making as a Principal Product Marketing Manager and MBA graduate)
% of brain now missing: 99%
I could have just gone to the party store and BOUGHT a #%-#^*& poodle skirt for all the time and trouble it’s taken me to make one.
And the best part? The f*#^ing thing was SEE-THROUGH!!! So I had to run to Kohl’s and get a slip. Gawd, I LOVE Kohl’s. The slip cost $15.00 but I had $10 in Kohl’s cash (oh, no reason I had Kohl’s cash. None. Stop asking.). And I had a 30% off coupon that expired last week BUT WHICH THEY HONORED ANYWAY! So that whole effort cost me $3.78. Have I mentioned that I LOVE YOU, Kohl’s?! Pay no attention to anything previously stated about you here or here or even here.
After I helped my daughter into her skirt (which we couldn’t pull UP over her soccer-player thighs because there was something really, really wrong with the no-sew waistband [which I renamed “the waistband of tears which had to be sewed anyway”] – so we had to pull it DOWN over her head with the usage of circus-freak contortions of her upper body while lots of weird ripping noises came from the waistband-of-tears-which-had-to-be-sewed-anyway), she said, “Wow, Mom! You should make clothes for people.”
Uh. No. I shouldn’t. The mirror, mirror doesn’t lie.