I saw this intriguingly titled article recently and assumed it would provide me with all the skinny secrets of the world.  Then, eventually I would become skinny too!  Right?!

But guess what?  BULLS**T!  [Insert coughing noise that sounds suspiciously like BULLS**T! here.]

Because artichokes?  Really?!?

Preparing artichokes is like preparing tree bark for consumption.  It’s so tedious and time-consuming and the return is minimal.  And that’s why people don’t eat tree bark.  Nor should they eat artichokes.  Scraping a quarter-inch of “good stuff” off with your bottom teeth?  See coughing noises above.  Plus, by the time you’ve gnawed your way through the nonsense, night has fallen and you just wanna go sleepies. 

The list has started out poorly and number one on said list leaves you thinking that skinny a$$holes only eat mind-numbing, nap-producing crap, right?

But no!

Because number two on the list is “Plain ‘Ol Water.” 

Which assures you that not only are skinny people skinny, they are also moronic.  Because – news flash, slow boats – you don’t EAT water!  And if the secret to skinny success is nummy, num, num waawaa for snackypoo, then I suggest you keep your “Feelin’ Fancy” fruit-infused water (AND your $25 Fruit Infusion Pitcher) and shove it in your piehole.  Give me some PIE for my piehole at snackypoo time and we’ll call it even.

Next up?  Chocolate.  Anyone who has eaten melted, re-congealed Rolos off the wrapper knows this is not an adequate foodgroup.  Skinny people are liars now too.

Fourth on the list is almond butter.  Hmmmm.  Maybe.  But then the article shows a teensy bit smeared on that annoying brown bread.  That kinda bread leaves me feeling like I just worked my way through a sack o’ oats.  Hate it.  Movin’ on…

Fifth is cottage cheese.  Oy.  It only tastes good if you add canned-pineapple-in-heavy-syrup to it.  Which I think defeats the whole purpose and that could be why the pineapple trick isn’t mentioned once in the article.  So…no go.

Avocados.  NOW we’re cooking with oil!  Which isn’t recommended by skinny people.  They recommend the non-fat cooking spray.  But oddly enough, nowhere does it mention that you should mash up the avocados and consume them with half a bag of tortilla chips.  Either it’s an error of omission.  Or the skinny people are now sending me subliminal signals of the “fly, be free!” variety.  I sense the skinny people want others to be happy, so I’m going with the signals theory. 

Raspberries.  Uhhhhhh…ok.  If we HAVE to.  But those seed things jack up my back teeth.  Which might be part of the plan.  To make the eating process so painful that you stop eating?  Fool’s errand, my skinny friend.  I tend to eat THROUGH the pain.

Number eight is eggs.  Snooze.  And for anyone who ever did Atkins, snooze AND barf!  Can I get an Amen on that?!  Because about a week into Adkins (and, funny enough, for the rest of your life), the smell of eggs makes you wanna gag.  Plus?  While on Adkins, you’d KILL for an apple.

But you know what you’d NEVER kill for?  Spinach, number nine.  Because why you would aspire to be a one-good-eye sailor who smokes and has oversized forearms is beyond me.  Popeye much?  Guh-guh-guh-guh-guh.

TEN?  Pickles.  If served atop a bacon cheeseburger, yes.  By themselves?  A plate full of pickles?!?  Completely wack.  This proves the “These People are Insane” theory and I suspect they may have a sodium overdose issue.

Ok.  Well – that was an interesting list. 

It only took me four snickerdoodles to get through, and I’ve come to the conclusion that skinny people can keep their skinny.  Clearly their parties are boring. 

At my parties, our lime-infused “water” tastes suspiciously like margaritas.  And we serve our avocados guacamole-style.  With…gasp!…chips. 

Signals received.

I may not be skinny.  But I am FUN!