5 bucks

Let me tell you a bedtime story about the worst 5 bucks I never spent.  That’s right, never.

It goes a little something like this:

  • Must, must do something about the scuzzy shower door.
  • Have heard the squeegees everyone’s talking about might do the trick!
  • Lucky day – $5 off a $15 purchase coupon to Bed, Bath & Beyond (say it the way Buzz Lightyear would say “To Infinity and Beyond!” and it’s much funnier.  I’ll go first, “Bed, Bath and Beyond!”)
  • But cheapest squeegee only costs $10!  (what to do, what to do?)
  • Buy a more expensive squeegee?
  • I’m not convinced the squeegee concept will even work so that’s a big no.
  • Buy another 5 bucks of nonsense instead and STILL only spend $10 with aforementioned coupon?
  • Why yes.  Yes, indeed.  A seemingly excellent plan.
  • Searched and searched and found…a sweater brick for $5.99 (ok, sometimes the math gets rough.  Give me a break.)
  • Sweater brick is a black, pumice-type thingy in the shape of a brick that’s used to get all those nasty pills off of sweaters without chopping holes in them like that annoying sweater shaver does.  It employs a more manual-labor approach by “scrubbing” the pills off.
  • It also works on pill-y blankets
  • 4 (very) pill-y Christmas blankets later and the sweater brick is worn to a nubbin.  Where did it go?  Did it evaporate??
  • And something smells like rotten eggs.
  • I smelled the carpet in the family room where I was working and it only smelled like dirty socks and sweaty boy, not rotten eggs.
  • And I don’t think it’s my breath huffing out of my mouth because I surreptitiously breathed into my shirt and my breath only smells like my deodorant and Sweet Pea body mist.
  • Lint and fluff scrubbed off of the blankets drops all over the rug, and really everywhere AND follows me to the laundry room AND drops all over the laundry room floor.
  • Project now seems way more annoying and involved than originally anticipated.
  • And…WTF?!!…it looks like someone carried a blanket into the laundry straight off the beach!  A black beach in Hawaii!!!
  • CRAP!!!  That’s where the sweater brick went!  It dissolved into sand and is now buried (scccrrruuubbbed as hard as my aching arm could scruuuub) in the blankets.
  • And Holy Mother!!!  All this black sand SMELLS!  It smells like rotten eggs!!
  • Ack!  Acccckkkkkkk!!!!!

And that, Folks, is the story of the worst 5 bucks I NEVER spent.

Good night.

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