When you hug your son, and he smells like the dog after it’s just expressed its own anal glands, you know something’s up.

And when the son in question says that he has that SAME smell “stuck in his nose” and it won’t go away?  That’s clue #2.

Finally, when the principal of the son’s school approaches you at a parent brunch you’re hosting to tell you that your son had to leave a school function to go to the nurse’s office because there was pus flowing outta his ear, that should be third time’s a charm, my friends.  And you should clue the frick in, already.

Because everything I’ve mentioned is a SIGN that your son is literally sick in the head – specifically in the ear-ish region.  And that you’ve done absolutely NOTHING about it but sit around wondering what that smell was.

The phone call that starts with, “Hey, Doc!  Remember that ear culture we took….ohhhh…5 weeks ago?  We should probably check it again for signs of dirty fish tank disease, because I think Sea Monkeys are now living in Sonny’s ear and pooping everywhere,” really gets the ball rolling.

And?  Turns out there’s a fungus amongus.  Which one has a fungus? 

Sonny, of course.  In his ear.  And no wonder why he’s been wheezing and coughing all spring.  He’s allergic to his own self.  His fungus has gone systemic and is floating around his body. 

A quick trip to the doctor’s office in which we got to the bottom heh, heh, heh of the mysterious smell also allowed Sonny to get all of the “vanilla pudding” scooped out of his ear while I watched on the Jumbotron.  That was the second most fun moment of the whole thing.  Otherwise it’s just been a smelly, painful, expensive mess.  The first most fun moment was when I asked Hubby to hop up in the chair and get HIS ears scooped out after Sonny was all done.  Because for some reason Hubby can’t hear me when I ask him to do stuff around the house.  The doctor said that there wasn’t gonna be anything IN Hubby’s ears; He just can’t hear me because it’s “a gender thing.”  Mystery solved there as well.  Awwww – wasn’t that fun?!?  So fun.   

So I’m keeping the doctor’s office visit – and that “high” I got when ALL the mysteries were solved – in mind as I run around town looking for jock itch cream (but in liquid form which is completely impossible to find) because I’ll have to start squirting it into my son’s ear for the next 10 days.  And the folks at the pharmacy must think Sonny’s got a…er…bizarre manparts infection to beat the band, what with the 7-day diflucan prescription he’s got comin’ his way.

Not really sure why I’m telling you any of this.  Other than to further underscore the point I’ve been making all along.  Which is that little boys aren’t really human.  They are mostly monkeys.  Who leave you wondering what exactly they’ve been putting in their ears to give themselves a fungus infection in there.  My vote is for all the goofing around with the baseball cup and answering it like a telephone (Yeah, he’s right here.  It’s for you!) that may have gotten fungus in places where fungus shouldn’t be.   But who really knows with monkeys.  

And before we leave here today, I wanted to mention that I’m a helper (and a do-er, but that’s another blog).  And because I’m a helper, I’m gonna help you here with a word to the wise: If your son’s ear smells like a$$, totally check into it…‘kay?