The Traveler and the Berry

With a title like that, you’d think this blog would be about a man who voyages to a distant land where he eats a magical berry and falls into a deeeep sleeeep.

But you’d be wrong. Dead wrong.

This blog is about how I am the most snakebit person my husband knows. And when he married me, he became the second most snakebit person he knows – due to close physical proximity, he became infected with my snakebittedness. You’re welcome, Sweetie!

[And if you’re like me and thought being “snakebit” is code for “lovely young woman who gives off just the right amount of good-girl-gone-bad vibe,” you’d be wrong.  Dead wrong.  It means you’ve got bizarrely bad luck. Apparently boys from Colorado DO still say the word “snakebit” in this day and age to their lady loves.  So romantic, no?  No.]

Remember all that talk from the other day about how I wished I were wearing LaToya Jackson’s captain’s hat in my driver’s license picture because it would have matched perfectly with my shoulder pad/epaulet combo?!  That all had the unfortunate consequence of reminding me of that time, early in our marriage, when my husband & I had to get new passports…

Apparently, during the lamination process at Passports R’ Us, they accidentally caught some small, roundish piece of lint in between the hard plastic shell and Hubby’s picture.  So his passport came back looking like he had a mole the size of a largish blueberry on his face, right in the crevice between his cheek and the corner of his nose.

Try explaining words like “accidental lint” “during the lamination process” “feel the page, not my face, it even sticks out of the page” “it’s not a REAL mole!” in a foreign language to customs agents who are ready to cavity search you at the drop of a LaToya Jackson captain’s hat.  If you can picture that nonsense, then you’ll realize why it eventually just became easier for my husband to travel internationally pretending he had recently had cosmetic surgery to remove his berry.  This can be accomplished by blinking, nodding and making scissor cutting motions at your cheek.  It helps too if your wife supports the pantomime by doing her own scissor cutting motions at your face while smiling.

And THAT, my friends, is the Snakebit Take Two version of the tale of the Traveler and the Berry.  Sweetie, enough…you’re welcome already!

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