Thanks, but no thanks

There’s this “thanks, but no thanks” letter I get from companies I’ve applied to.

These letters accomplish two things: 1) They convey in clear and concise language that I…uh…didn’t get the job.  [Yeah.  No sh%#, Sherlock!  If I HAD gotten the job, you wouldn’t have sent a rinkydink letter.  You would have sent a welcome team armed with flowers and balloons!]  And 2) They get the voices chattering in my head.  Despite the tinfoil hat I wear to block said voices, they still seem to come through loud and clear, particularly when one of these letters arrives.

[As a side note:  Screw the tinfoil!  SCREW IT!  It doesn’t work.  But I really wish it did.] 

So without further ado…I bring you the letter I frequently makes me sound like a loser, let’s just say I sometimes get from companies I apply to:

Dear You, [DEAR??  Let’s not pretend I’m “dear” anything to you.]

Thank you for expressing an interest in the XYZ position.  [uh…you’re…welcome?  But I have a bad feeling that I won’t be “welcoming” you much longer.]  We regret to inform you that [WHAT?!?  That someone’s DIED??  Give it to me straight, I can take it] after reviewing your application, we believe your skills and experiences [which skills and experiences would those be?!  My two bachelor’s degrees?  My MBA??  My 25 YEARS of progressive work experience complete with a dozen plus promotions, various awards and certifications??  THOSE SKILLS AND EXPERIENCES?!??] do not meet the job requirements.  [WHAT??!  Are you KIDDING me?!?  Are.  You.  KIDDING ME???  ‘Cause I kinda thought THEY DID!  THAT’S WHY I APPLIED FOR YOUR STUPID JOB!!!]

Again, thank you for taking the time to pursue this opportunity.  [Which I’m now TOTALLY glad I didn’t get because I can tell that it would have been horrible to work for you.  HORRIBLE!  You can just take your self-important death notice letter and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!]  

We encourage you to visit our website where we have more jobs to explore within our company [Oh?  MORE jobs??  Ones that would be perfect for UNEMPLOYED BLOGGERS, perhaps?!?  If I applied to THOSE jobs, would I still get a total crap letter from you?  Maybe you just LIKE sending crap letters, is that it?  Maybe you’ve made your whole CAREER outa sending crap letters, you crappity crap crapper!]

We wish you the very best in your career endeavors [Yeah, yeah.  Puh-lease!  I’ve heard it all before.  You can just ZIP IT with your wishes ’cause there ain’t no one wishing harder than me!  That’s for DARN sure!!]

Sincerely,

ABC Recruitment Team [Don’t you actually mean “Recruitment Team for JOB HOBOS from WHACKADOODLE TOWN”?!??  Isn’t that what you REALLY mean?  ISN’T IT?!??!  So just say it already.  SAY IT!!!!  SAY!  IT!!!]

So….do you see why I really, really, REALLY wish the tinfoil hat worked?  These letters [VOICES] are exhausting.

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