I start out the chiropractor appointment with, “My crochet elbow isn’t getting better, Doc. It now connects from a spot in my neck, through to my shoulder-blade and all the way down to my elbow. I think it’s because I hold my fingers like this when I crochet.” [I’m now pointing a left-handed finger gun at him. Cool, right?]
He looks at me kinda puzzled [was it that part about: the neckbone connects to the backbone, dem bones dem bones gonna walk around that threw him off?] but then he says, “Actually I’ve had truckers with this same problem.” Oh? Do tell. “They point their finger when they shift their rig. It causes an injury with the tendons on the front of the elbow which connect to the muscles of the forearm. Lie down.”
Then he proceeds to touch my boobs to see if they hurt too. KIDDING! Jeez, I was totally kidding!!
But he does have me lie flat on a massage bed while he attaches some electrodes to my forearm. And I find out after he’s left the room, and I’m fixing my ponytail-made-uncomfortable-due-to-the-prone-position, that he also stuck a piece of metal in my head. Stop surprising me like THAT with the acupuncture needles, already!!!
When he comes back to check on me, I ask him what’s up with the needle in my head?! And he explains that it’s to tap into my relaxation centers. Uh…weird much? He mentions that this is the one treatment he does to his wife to relax her. Weirder and weirder. When I ask if he does it without her knowledge too, he just looks down at me with a lopsided grin and extends his arm like an olde tyme gent requesting a stroll. Weird Level One-thousand-and-one!
After he helps me up, we go into the treatment room and he proceeds to strip my elbow tendons.
MO*%^$ FU#^&*!!!
Do you remember that time when you were two weeks overdue with your 9 ½ pound firstborn? Mommy wants to meet you. So…GET. OUT. ALREADY!!! And the OB/GYN “stripped your membranes” to encourage labor?? Yeah, remember that?!? And then you kicked her teeth out because of the exponential pain factor??!!!
Yeah. It was just like that. ‘Cept in this instance I woulda PUNCHED the doctor’s teeth out if he hadn’tuv been holding on to my punching device with a firm grip while PRESSING all of the very SOREST spots.
Gaaaah! GAAAAH!!!! Can’t. Take. Much…more……
And then it’s over.
When I come out of the office to find that someone has rear-ended my car in the parking lot and pushed it a good three feet, I’m surprisingly calm about the whole thing. And my arm feels amazeballs!!
Huh. Maybe there is something to that metal-in-the-head approach, afterall. In fact, I now recommend it to everyone. Barkeep: a round of head metal for allll my friends!!!