Steve Martin Calling

Steve Martin the comedian has been calling my home phone.  I don’t ever actually talk to him, he just leaves a message…but I KNOW it’s him because A) he SAYS it’s Steve Martin and B) he puts on an Indian accent and does this hilarious shtick about how I’m wanted by the U.S. Treasury for some “enforcement action.” 

U.S. Treasury?!?  Ohhhh, so funny.  What: Is the U.S. Treasury gonna GET ME ‘cause I had that random thought that one time when I saw the commercial about the Special Collector’s Buffalo 24 karat Gold Coins and wondered who actually buys them?!? 

Admittedly, it would have been even funnier if Steve had said that the U.S. Treasury AND the Thought Police will put me in front of a grand jury as a federal criminal for ignoring his phone call.

But he’s the pro, so we’ll let him say whatever he wants.  Though you have to admit “Thought Police” would have been a gas.  Then he tips his hand by mentioning that my ignoring his call will be considered an “intentional second attempt to avoid appearing before a magistrate judge.” 

Not only is this quintessential Steve Martin, but it also reveals that he’s now speaking in code and he clearly wants to offer me a job in his next movie.  Since, as we all know, magistrate judges are wig-wearing, black-robed judge-y types in England and not America, I’m pretty sure the movie will be a period piece filmed in England.  Most likely involving Hugh Jackman. 

This will be a great personal and professional opportunity, in which case I’m totally gonna call Steve back.  So it’s convenient that Steve repeats his number twice so I can make sure I get it right.  Because when yer gettin’ on the horn to give someone a jingle about a job, you wanna make sure you get it right.  “My number is 562-398-3824. I repeat 562-398-3824.”

I’ve included Steve’s number here in case you want to be in the movie with me.  We could always use extras in the big, sweeping English period pieces Steve and I (well, and Hugh) are always filming together.  But hands off Hugh.  He’s mine.  I just thought it would be helpful to give you a fair warning on that.

Or – put in Steve’s own words as he wraps up his voicemail messages to me, “I’d like you to cooperate with us and help us to help you.”  Whataguy.  Words to live by, I think we all agree.

So call Steve!  Call him NOW!!!  And tell him you want a part in his film.  He’d appreciate it.  I’d appreciate it.  But that’s just us – Steve and me (well and Hugh too, but HANDS OFF HUGH!) – that’s just what we’re all about: always trying to help us help you. 

Thank you and you’re welcome.  And this is not a scam.  This is totally for real.  

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