Sonny has my old P90X pull-up bar installed in his room. The difference between the two of us is that he can actually DO pull-ups on it. I never could. Ratbastard P90X, if I EVER see you again, it’ll be too soon!!! [She said with a hate-filled voice, dripping venom. And diamonds.]
So when I went upstairs last night, it came as no surprise that he had just been using it, “Hey Mom. Look at my abs!”
“Yep, sweetie. Good job.” What pull-ups have to do with abs, I don’t know. And speaking of abs, there were none present, just really more strategic “lines” that give the odd resemblance to abs when viewed in low-light.
Sonny and I both knew what was what, so then he says, “When I hit puberty, will I get real abs?”
Like…all-of-a-sudden, a six-pack is gonna sprout on his stomach overnight.
“Well, abs are something you have to work really hard at, whether you’ve hit puberty or not.” But now my spidey-senses are tingling. Puberty?! Let’s discuss…
And because I’m a good mother, filled with wisdom and a stellar sense of timing, I launch into a speech on “How your body will REALLY change once you hit puberty.”
This conversation is akin to a plane completely stalling out, then plummeting towards the ground.
When I pause to take a breath from the “hair” portion of the presentation, Sonny says, “Wait a second. So hair will grow OUT of my belly button?”
Pull. UP. PULL! UP!!! “Well…not exactly.” So then I’m forced to clarify what I just said, because admittedly, it was totally confusing. And as I’m “clarifying,” I can tell it’s not going any better than the original explanation…
OH. MY. SWEET. LORD!!!!! This is awful. This is truly AWFUL!!! I’m the one SAYING it and I just want it to stop. And let’s pause right here and come to a consensus that small words like “on” and “around” really do make all the difference when discussing hair, don’t they?
I’ve misspoken one of those words, and I can tell Sonny is now picturing himself – once he hits puberty – having to go WITH the dog to the groomer to get all of the hair completely COVERING his penis trimmed.
The plane has crashed into the ground at this point. There are no survivors.
Another big pause…processing, processing…then Sonny says, “Sometimes when we have to sit criss-cross applesauce in class, you can see Charlie’s butt crack.”
Oh, thank you! ThankyouTHANKYOU! I’d MUCH rather talk about Charlie’s butt crack when he sits criss-cross applesauce!!! YES, LET’S DO IT!!!
And so we leave our happy mother-son couple, chatting about Charlie’s butt crack…
And this has been another presentation of “How to talk to your pre-pubescent son in a completely irrelevant yet confusing and most likely mentally scarring way.”
Thanks for tuning in.