My daughter has been challenging me to rap battles lately. Is this what all lovely young ladies her age are doing with their mothers?!  Because – and I say this with nothing but the greatest of maternal affection – she’s really, really bad at rap. Her raps usually last for one line and then just turn into rhyming noises, not even actual words.

But I?  Being a time traveler from the 1980’s, I have a serious stockpile of the three rap songs to come out of the decade. And as a result, I’m able to beat her in battle.  Every.  Time.  And yes, yes, I’m counting.

Example A:

Sissy throws it down with, “The car goes rahr…duh, duh, duh, duh, dahr!”

And since it’s on like donkey kong about the car theme, I naturally reply with, “You get in your car and you drive real far and you drive all night and then you see a light and it comes right down and lands on the ground. And out comes a man from Mars. And you try to run but he’s got a gun. And he shoots you dead and he eats your head…”[1]

At which point Sissy says, “Stop, Mom. No. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” like I didn’t just winner winner chicken dinner all over her with the Man from Mars biz.

Example B:

We’re going somewhere & the car radio’s playing. Sissy looks over at me and starts in with, “I don’t like this song on the rad-i-OH!  It’s badie, daddy, dad-i-OH!  Wucka wucka wucka.”

To which I say, “A hip hop, hippie to the hippie. The hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop, a rock it. To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie. To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!”[2]

Sissy, open-mouthed (I say in awe, she would probably say it was total disgust) says, “No, absolutely not. That’s totally dumb.” Look who’s talkin’…

Example C: 

This past week-end I walk into the family room and Sissy starts in with something awful along the lines of, “The light above your head means that you’ll soon have to go to bed, vuffee, vuffee, vuff!”

To which I reply, “Superman looked up at me; he said you rock so naturally. Jam on it. Jam on it. Ja, ja, jaja, jam on it!”[3]

This particular mother/daughter Rap Throw Down is Hubby’s first witness to the magic. So for a second he sits there stunned.  Then he says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t battle unless it’s your own original stuff!”

Huh?!?  Who knew?!  Who knew there were even RULES for Rap Battles?!?  Not me.

And just like that, Rap Battles in our house?? Done.  Because Home Girl ain’t gonna play if Home Girl can’t win with her professionally written 80’s raps.

Wucka, wucka, wucka.  Vuffee, vuffee, vuff!

[1] “Rapture” by Blondie released January 1981.

[2] Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” peaked at 36 on Billboard 100 in January 1980.

[3] “Jam on it” by Newcleus released on 1984.